Tom did just what I said he’d do in bed. He not only didn’t want to get off, but he also seemed too scared to really get that into it. Of course, he made excuses and said he’d cum within the next few days. Sure he will! But again, I may have a few days here and there where I’ll miss not having a kid, but things have never been better as far as that goes and I thank God. I’ve always wanted to either not want a child or be OK without one, and I’ve never been this OK with not having one in a long, long time. I just feel absolutely no desire to go to a doctor, even if I could change fate. After what I’ve seen my brother, sister, and a million others go through, I just don’t want the hassles of a child. I meant it when I said I couldn’t handle one, and I value my freedom and time with Tom that much, that it’s OK for me to stay sterile and it’s OK for him to cum rarely.

I also only had a steak, a couple of fiber wafers, popcorn, and some Jell-O, just to have jumped up to 125 pounds. And I’m sick of being stuck every other day, too! Well like I said, I’m back to my old eating habits of just a few bites a day. It’s no problem eating as little as I do, but again, I’ll never be thin again and as frustrating as that can be, I’ve just got to accept it and live with it. A smoker’s heart rate and metabolism can never be that of a non-smoker’s. So, I may not eat much again, but my metabolism will never be fast again. After spending over a decade trying to quit smoking, I sure as hell ain’t gonna sit here and drive myself crazy by trying to lose this weight I can never lose. It’s weird, though, cuz it was always the weight that I could lose, but not the cigarettes. I’d never have thought in a million years that it’d be the other way around. I can keep from smoking, but I can’t lose that weight to save my life! And also like I said, if I lost it, I’d have to deal with something else. God doesn’t reward me for doing a good deed, making an accomplishment, or solving a problem. He just gives me a new problem to deal with. In fact, I’m gonna break for a bite to eat, and I’m gonna enjoy every single bite, too!

Later… 

Back from having some pancakes.

I talked with Andy, who says he had nothing to do with those letters. If he said that, then I believe him. So it was the freeloaders. The spelling was so bad in these letters (which I thought Andy did to throw me off since he spells well). They were like Fran bad. I can’t remember specifically (I threw them in the recycle bin and decided not to tell Tom so as not to worry him) but they’d spell something like straight as strate. Come to think of it, illiteracy and freeloaders seem to go hand in hand. These people are the laziest and most uneducated species alive. They don’t learn things, they don’t work for things, they have no goals, etc. All they know/do is violence, drugs, selfishness, and make others miserable. They give a shit about no one but themselves and they’ll step on their own kind, too. They’re just plain mean. They’re angry, hateful, and out to fuck anyone they can. If they have to burn their own families to get their way and to chew someone up and spit them out, they will.

But why the sexual content? I mean, I know sex is everyone’s favorite weapon of choice, so to speak, but I’d have thought that they’d write something threatening to us or threaten the house. Yes, it is best that these sick fucks stay right here till we move, cuz then they just may burn the house down while I’m asleep, and like I said, I’ve got them if we go first. I’d just die to have them gone like yesterday, but no, it’s best that they just stay right where they are and I’m sure they will, too. I’m sure we will go first.

Also, what took them so long to prank mail me back, and how are they so damn sure I’m the one behind the letter and bottle? They’ve got to have a lot more enemies than just me. Most of them do.

Still, it’d be more fun and more interesting if they’d cooked up something more original. What they did was totally old boring, and childish. But they just don’t have the brains to cook up something better than going across the street for sex.

Another question is - they said to be across the street on the 4th, but I didn’t get their notes till the 6th. Are they that stupid that they can’t even figure dates? This thing couldn’t have been in our mailbox slot since the 4th or earlier, cuz we’d have pulled it out with our regular mail sooner. Maybe they put it out Saturday the 4th after we got our mail, and that’s why I didn’t discover it till pulling out Monday’s mail. Stupid, dumb, brainless fucks. Guess maybe they assumed someone would hear something being inserted into the slot. I hope they don’t have brains enough to know that eggs would fit just nicely into the mail slot. I’d rather have them do silly, boring things, rather than get messy. If they get messy, though, I will too.

I’m sure it was a friend of theirs that delivered their notes too, that’d say they were doing a survey or something like that, had one of us seen them.

Now for my good and shocking news. Yes, Andy really is going back east! I really thought it was just talk borne of desperation, but nope, he’s leaving Tuesday morning and plans to be at his parents’ by Sunday. Laura will keep the house. He met this guy (David, not Steven) in 1979 at a gay bar back there and Andy says David’s wanted him for years. Andy said he dumped David over something stupid, but now that he’s so desperate to be loved by someone that will surely love him in return, he’ll deal with the shitty climate. While there’d be no good in living there for me, there is some good in it for Andy. He’ll have the woods and the beach again. David’s been at the same job for years and has a house in Enfield. He has two roommates, though, so maybe he and Andy can get their own place eventually. The first couple of months, he’ll be with his parents at their condo, and at Gary’s house.

I’ll miss my best friend, and I love my best friend, but maybe this is the break he’s been needing. I won’t miss his constant calls, but it’ll be more special when we do talk and it’ll be nice to get mail from him, as rare as that’ll be. I just hope he finds happiness and does get the love he’s been dying for and deserves. He’s been in the same old rut for too long.

Michelle is another one my heart goes out to. He and she have been inseparable and talk every day on the phone like we used to. Oh, what that girl must be feeling! He’s leaving her in the same boat he left me in back in the spring of 1991. Alone and with no one. I had Kim as a friend and a few others I spoke to, but I hardly ever saw Kim or anyone. I had no one, no life, no money. Just a nice apartment, but no life to go with it and that’s how Andy’s been feeling and how Michelle will feel. All I had was a crush on Gloria. All she has is a crush on her boss. My life has changed since coming out here and he’s not leaving me alone this time. She will be left alone, though. So I told Andy to go ahead and give her my number. As long as she knows I’m not a phoneaholic, don’t do bars or pot or go out a lot, she’s welcome to call if she just needs to talk. If she gets lonely or sad, she can call and cry on my shoulder.

He said sex and sex alone with Quinn just won’t cut it anymore. He needs someone he can love and who’ll love him. Well, if there’s anything good about this, it’s that Quinn will be out of his life completely!

He played me messages that Quinn and David left and yup, what a difference in their voices. Quinn’s was dead. Just totally emotionless. But David’s was full of life, compassion, confidence, and happiness.

As for thought vibes, he was telling me that he’d been thinking a lot of David and he said on his machine that he’d been thinking of him, then he found the note Adam left on his door. He said no, Melanie can’t pick up on my thoughts of her. It’s more like people like family and friends. People like my folks, Lisa, Kim. That makes more sense.

Later…

Yup, I know a piece of shit when I smell one. I saw the freeloader leave in the Jeep this morning. So the city’s done working there and he doesn’t have to hide out anymore. And he went from a red car to a Jeep to a maroon car to a gray car to a Jeep again. Meanwhile, we’ve been driving the same old piece of shit, that little shit! Tom, though, feels more comfortable with a junker, cuz then it’s not as appealing to thieves.

Again, the predictable Tom S is stalling and making excuse after excuse to put off making an appointment to get a check-up. Whether doctors make him nervous, or he just plain doesn’t want to go and just doesn’t care is fine, but I may have to be the one to pick out and establish a doctor if there is something wrong with my hormones/metabolism. I don’t know if the erratic periods, being stuck a lot, and lack of metabolism are connected or what, but I know it’s not normal to eat so little just to gain weight. I’m back to not losing weight in my sleep and I have a feeling that if I did starve, I’d still stay the same weight. If I’m right, then that’s a sure sign that something’s wrong, and maybe it’s something I can deal with after all. God will compensate me for it, but that’d be OK. We’ll just have to see what happens during the heat and summer activity in the pool, etc.

Also, again with the predictable God who’s gotta act like there’s some big pregnancy to dodge. I knew he would too, so I guess that imaginary egg’s gonna be in the way sometime tonight or tomorrow, cuz Tom has to go in an hour earlier, he will be tired if we do screw around tonight, and he won’t cum after he just did less than a week ago. He says sex is easier for him if we do it more often, but that’s bull, cuz I see the same cumming schedule either way. But it’s OK. I don’t want to deal with what a child would entail at this time. I just don’t want that as much these days. In a sense, God has answered all my prayers. The ones that didn’t just die off on their own. I always wanted to be OK with not having a kid and now I am. I hardly ever feel bad over it anymore. Besides, if I can’t keep a schedule for myself, I can’t keep one for someone else.

Later…

OK, the piece of shit’s in for the night (cuz it was coming from the carport). It just slammed in so fucking hard that the house shook. It’s like someone slamming a door really hard inside the house.

Maybe not. I just went and checked and thought I saw it leaving in its old gray car. Well, it’ll be back around 9:30. I think I know where it’s going, judging by the door slams. Now, I know it sits and slams its doors in regard to me, but it’s unloading its shit that it slam-packed to go hide out. It’s back now, so it picks up its shit at night after work.

I’ve gone from doing stuff to lose weight, to doing stuff to find out if yes indeed, something’s wrong. When I lost weight years ago, I first had nothing but liquids for about 3 days. Then I continued on with eating whatever whenever and lost the weight. This won’t happen if I liquidate myself, cuz I’m not 19 and still smoking. However, if I don’t lose at least 5 pounds from doing this, as hard as it’ll be, then something’s wrong for sure. Then I’ll know if it’s worth making a doctor’s appointment over.