Scaredy, scaredy, scaredy! As figured, no sex tonight. But should I really go through all the hassles of a doctor just to ease his fears, when I know there’s nothing to fear?

Later…

I’m so frustrated now, I could kill! Again, I wish I could physically grab hold of God or whoever’s controlling me and wring their fucking neck!

I’m tired of this going back and forth with the appetite. I go a few days where I’m not hungry, then I’m fucking starving! How dare God insult me some more too, by making me suddenly so nauseous after having those diet shakes. I never used to get nauseous after having dairy products. Gassy yes, but not where I felt like puking. He just does not want me to lose weight. It’s cuz I went against him by getting those Lactaid tablets. They worked, so he knew he had to go to extremes just to keep me off the shakes and in his control.

So, as usual, you win God. I’m right where you want me to be - fat and unable to do anything about it. I’ll be damned if I’ll suffer the hunger of not eating much just to maintain the same weight. Once again, I’ll never lose this weight. So the sooner I just eat what I want, when I want, and accept this fat, the less miserable I’ll be. You can’t fight God and win and in order to be allowed to use my lungs to their fullest potential, I must pay for it in pounds. Well, better to be fat than to not be able to breathe. If only I could puke, but nope, it’s just too gross. Oh well. I’m fat, it’s for a reason, it’s meant to be, I can’t change it, so…so be it. My not eating much lately wasn’t so much to lose weight, as it was to maintain weight, but whether or not something’s wrong, why suffer needlessly? Why go hungry just to maintain a weight that’s too much for me, anyway? So, I may as well not worry about eating just a few bites a day and eat what I want and allow myself to gain weight, cuz it’s not worth being hungry just to weigh something that’s too much for me, anyway. Whether I’m 125 or 175, they’re both too much.