I changed my colors around again on the computer and made it look really beautiful. I also put on one of my sound schemes again.

Dad told me that they were married in a banquet hall in West Springfield. I always wondered where that picture was taken. Also, Papa Joe died at age 57 in 1963.

Yesterday I stood up for 21 goddamn hours just to sleep 8 hours and get up just 4 hours later than I did the day before. I’m never gonna make it to see Melanie. Cuz I had been up so long, I thought I’d sleep closer to 10 hours and sleep 6-8 hours later than the day before.

Tom said that if the freeloader’s car was there last night, it was parked too deep to be seen. I didn’t hear any car doors over there since I got up at 5 PM myself, and the city van came again yesterday afternoon. Tom said he’s getting curious. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m vibeless, but I’ve also got a confusing mix of vibes, too. I just can’t see them leaving. I can’t believe my troubles with them are over. Meaning, that I’ll never have to worry about his music again (unless the new people do the same thing).

I talked to Andy, and as I knew, he isn’t going back east. He’s having a rough time now with the pot cravings. Hopefully, he’ll pull through.

Tomorrow I’m gonna change the mice’s cages, dust, vacuum, and clean the bathroom, but tonight I’m gonna be lazy. Gonna read, write, and listen to music.

I woke up at 122 and let myself eat a little more today than just a few bites. Sure enough, I’m right back up to the usual 124. Again, my metabolism is so slow and I practically have to not eat at all to lose weight, but that’s not gonna happen. I’m gonna be between 120-125 for a long long time.

Later…

I forgot to mention these really cool pictures my folks sent that were the height of your average picture, but much wider. They were mostly scenic shots and they were about 3 times wider than your average picture.

Also, we screwed yesterday, and this time he quit on me due to one of his more common excuses - his heart was beating too wildly. Well, that is true as I could feel it. Still - just another problem/excuse. He mentioned taking vitamin E cuz it’s supposed to up your sex drive. Well, if his wife were more attractive and better in bed, and if he weren’t afraid of having a kid, then maybe he wouldn’t need any help. On the other hand, my drive’s gotten lower and it’s got nothing to do with him. At least I don’t think it does. If it’s got to do with him at all, it’s cuz I feel that he’s not all that turned on during sex and I just don’t know if he’s gonna quit on me, play games, or what. Of course, I still have that irritation down around the opening, too. Guess I was quite dry one day during sex and got rubbed raw and it never completely healed.

At this point in our relationship, and I don’t know how I could be so blind to not see this from day one, I believe he’s telling the truth when he says he wants a kid. And I believe he believes himself. It’s not his conscious that fears either proving me right about the sterility then having to deal with that or dealing with if I did conceive and have a child, it’s his subconscious that fears these things. He doesn’t know it, but he doesn’t want a child. He doesn’t want to have to deal with testing and all that, and he doesn’t want to deal with a kid. Why is he scared? Well, I think his reasons are similar to mine. I think he fears my ability to handle it, although he consciously tells me I’d be a good mom. I think he does consider the financial part of it, the time it’d take up, and things like that. Even he said when we first met that he knew he could handle a child, but wasn’t sure if he wanted the responsibility. Well, I think he doesn’t want to be bothered with what a kid would entail, and I think he doubts me as a mom. He just doesn’t know how much he fears these things. So, in a sense, he never did lie to me about this, but I think he has deliberately, knowingly, and intentionally played games with me and my head at times both in bed and pertaining to a kid. Not as much lately, cuz me and fate aren’t giving him much of a chance these days with the infrequent sex we have, my irritation, and other problems. If we keep the sex to once every week or two, it lessens any trouble.

Later…

Well, I slept till around the time I had hoped to and had had plenty of sleep, but destiny’s begun. It’s just like in my vision. God’s begun his compensating me for being able to sleep pretty well for the last few years. And as I said, he certainly wasn’t gonna make me pay for that by way of a child waking me up. Nope, it’s the fucking stereos. Society’s mounting desperateness really scares, saddens, and depresses me. What has this world come to with its neglected people so desperate to reach out for anyone’s attention/acknowledgment?

Tomorrow we’re gonna extend one speaker into my room. Not that this will necessarily work, but I’ve got to try if I don’t want to be woken up 1-4 times a week from here on out. And that will be the case, too, just like in my vibes and just like I wrote about. I said it would happen. It’s just like the NHA all over again. It just comes in spurts and it’s not kids. Tom tried to reassure me by telling me that that was incredibly loud and that they don’t usually go by that loud. Yes, they do. There’s this one car that goes by at around 8 AM, then noon, then 8 PM and it is very, very loud.

I told Tom that unless we join in with these sick fucks, we’ll be on the run from society all our lives. It’ll get to the point where people’s stereos from many many miles away will penetrate through to us across the acres and through the best soundproofing stuff money can buy. He insists that’s not true, though, cuz we can build our own house. Therefore, we can put soundproofing stuff in it. He said “soundproof” means just that. Sound cannot pass through at any level. Here, though, brick conducts sound. So, the soundproofing stuff that’s in the windows may help against other sounds, but bass can go right through the brick walls. I still say that 10-15 years from now at the new place, they’ll have caught up to us. They’ll keep breaking through any sound barrier we put up, as this world gets louder and louder and more desperate and more hostile and sicker and crueler. People will find a way to be heard here by flushing their toilets 3 states over. Tom said that was a bit extreme. Is it? Well, I’d have thought it a bit extreme to know years ago that I’d eventually be in a house and that even through loud noise of my own going, I could hear other’s noise real well and even be woken up by it. I’d have told someone that that was a bit extreme.

So, my appointment is hit or miss, no matter what my schedule is.

I have a lot of dishes to go clean now, as well as the mice’s cages, which takes a long time.