There were absolutely no ball games other than the little girl next door to them who was there for barely a minute. I was shocked. In fact, he may not even be there. It left sometime in the late afternoon, quiet as a mouse, and I haven’t heard any slamming suggesting it came back. So unless it came back just as quietly, it ain’t there.

I feel much better today emotionally. I came back to reality really fast and back to appreciating how things are and this freedom that God’s given me. Most women will never have what I’ve got. I always felt a little self-deprivation did a soul well, so even if I do have my weak moments where I want the impossible, it’s OK. I think things are going great and I can’t complain about how my life’s been and how it seems to be going.

We screwed today. It was both nice and boring. He chose the racy heart as his excuse to bail out of cumming. I wish he’d just hang it up. Why does he feel he’s gotta make excuses for not doing stuff he doesn’t want to do?

Speaking of hanging things up, it’s not May 20th yet, but there’s no significant change in my body/weight, and I still have that sure feeling that God doesn’t want me to change how I look, so I’m not holding my breath for May 20th. Like I said, there comes a time to just accept ourselves as we are and quit driving ourselves crazy hopelessly trying to change the impossible (this is my last time trying to lose weight)! Thank God I’m not doing that anymore with the kid. It really made me miserable to not only want the impossible but to keep beating my head in walls uselessly. There’d never have been a way past God and Tom. As I told Kim, I always wanted to not want a child.

I worry about Kim. I’m afraid she’s going through a similar situation that I went through, and probably always will with Tom (just cuz I came to not want a child, doesn’t mean he’ll realize/admit that he doesn’t either). He’s obsessed with being the opposite of me. Back when I said I wanted a kid, the only reason he went along and agreed was to tell me what I wanted to hear. It was in his best interest to go along with me. Anyway, Walter suddenly wants kids. Sounds too convenient. I think he’s just saying that to get Kim back and I fear her getting hurt. If they get married and she offs the birth control, what’s to say his little weenie won’t dry up, too? Or what if she does get pregnant? What kind of father would he be? A resentful one? Would he even stick around? Well, I hope the paranoid feelings I have about her and Walter are wrong. I just want her to be happy. She’s too good of a person to get burned.

And speaking of burning, I told that shit sister of mine just how I feel in a letter about her paranoia, her lies, her exaggerations, her sympathy trips, etc., and to feel free to keep on giving me the silent treatment. That fuck of a sister of mine! I really worry about Lisa, though. Tom says he’s sure she remembers/knows she can contact me, but is he sure? I miss her and I hope that someday, some way, we can see each other again.

Now God, if you’re not gonna let me lose weight or gain something nice, then quit waking me up. Sorry, but I’m not gonna pay for a human being’s right to sleep.

I fucking woke up at least once an hour a couple of nights ago, and last night, again with the waking up after 4 hours.

Velvet’s all moved into his new cage. I love it, but I think he still needs some getting used to it. It’s smaller than the 2’ x 8’ hutch. It’s 2’ x 2’ which is the perfect pig size. It’s all Plexiglas too, and not all wood. Now you don’t have to walk up to the cage to see him. Tom sealed the sides with a type of silicone like they use to make aquariums leak-proof.

Tweety’s also got a new home, too. Same cage, different location. He now hangs over the pig’s cage. The pig’s cage sits right under a shelf with a fancy bracket that’s got a curved area I can use as a hook to hang the cage. Now things will be much less messy. Now we won’t have to deal with his seeds all over the kitchen floor and counter. It’ll mostly go into the pig’s cage and the rest will be out of the way and easier to vacuum up. I think Tweety will also like it better where he is, too, cuz he can see the sunrise and sunset better from where he is and I think birds like that. He may feel more comfortable being around other animals, too, even if they’re rodents.

Later…

Periodically, I do a Jenny Seagrove search on AOL to see if anything new has been added and I found a little collage of 7 pictures of her taken from one of her movies. Even though I could make these pictures myself, I zapped them into my wallpaper file anyway. The damn thing’s huge, though, and it doesn’t fit on the screen as wallpaper. It’s fine as a screensaver, though.

A silver Caddy that I’ve seen drop the bitch and animal off, came to do just that again today. Real quiet. Just a couple of doors shut not too hard. The bitch was too lazy to take her recycle bin in, cuz it’s still there. El cocko himself is parked out front now. He came in quietly too, with one quiet door. Is he going out again this late? And if so, is he coming back?

I got a good look at the bitch’s driver today and this was definitely, without a doubt, your classic black drug dealer. A young black boy in a fancy car like that? I don’t think so! I wouldn’t be surprised if the bitch didn’t work at all, but really goes off to wherever the crack house is, since most dealers won’t deal from their homes, and helps with the dealing. Anyway, these freeloaders can make a quick buck without lifting a finger and by being able to bum off the city and whatever other benefits they can get for nothing.

Tom was doing the TV scene and now he’s racing cars on the computer. He loves to race that car and watch that TV more than he loves to do me, but I’ll take care of myself in my own way, at my own pace, later after he goes to work.

I told him my stomach was bothering me so I wouldn’t end up pissed that he didn’t touch me and I knew he wouldn’t, too. It’s not that I want to be touched tonight, it’s the principle of the point - him and his damn mixed signals. He says he wants more sex, and when there’s the opportunity for it, he doesn’t act on it. Why is this man so hooked on saying one thing and doing another? That’s what bugs me the most. Is that he doesn’t do what he says. And I wish he’d hang up the racy hearts and other excuses and just do what he wants to do. I don’t like his making excuses to cover for his own low drive/fears.

On the other hand, I love this man to death for making me see just how those potatoes really do clean you out! If this keeps up, God permitting, I’ll never be stuck again.