Had a dream I was disappointed to get my period before seeing my GYN, then another dream about telling Tom about the dream. Well, she’s less than 24 hours away and the coast is still clear. The PMS I’m going through, though, as my body fights to generate a period really sucks! I feel like a water balloon about to explode. Please, body, just give me a period or give up trying! Well, don’t give me a period till after the appt., but do give it to me afterward if you’re not going to give up altogether.

I still have burning and itching and I can feel “zits” when I’m cleaning up in the shower, and I’m starting to wonder if this problem will ever be fixed. It’s like I get punished when I try to fix things. Just something I noticed with my ear and with my teeth as well, though my teeth have been great for the most part.

Almost all my stories have now been run through Grammarly, and so have journals up to 1991. I might begin the story editing as early as this week.

While I’m glad that I have plenty to keep me busy, I’ve otherwise been bored out of my mind way more so than usual lately. I really feel like my life is over in a sense. Nothing excites me anymore. I’ve done almost everything I could do that’s within my means to possibly do. I’ve been to so many places and I’ve done so many things. Sure, there are places I haven’t explored and things I haven’t done, but I think a lot of that isn’t anything I could afford anyway. But I’ve done most of what I can afford.

Sometimes I miss my old libido. Not even crushes, however pointless they may have been, seem much fun to me these days. Even so, if I were stupid, I would be tempted to suggest Kathleen and I get together sometime, not because I have a crush on her, but because she’s got one of those personalities that really sucks you and it makes you want to be friends with her. But I need to keep focused on reality. I don’t need her friendship, and as Stacy and plenty of other women have taught me well, I seriously doubt one would be possible anyway. Like she would really call me or look me up on Facebook? So hopefully, no matter how kind she is and no matter how much she may seem to like me, I’ll do the smart thing when I see her. That is, assuming I even do. You know how it is for me, all the nice ones or attractive ones end up leaving wherever. That funny waitress left the Chinese place, Liz left the restaurant, Randy changed routes and we changed medical groups, so why shouldn’t Kathleen leave?

Anyway, boredom is certainly better than chaos. I remind myself of this when I start feeling kind of glum. Sooner or later the shit’s gonna hit the fan again in some whole new way and it’s going to be for years. So before I have plenty to keep me busy, I should enjoy this calm before the storm. Beginning yesterday, the anxiety ebbed once again. So yeah, the meds are definitely the root cause of my anxiety. Not saying the peri doesn’t fuel it, but the meds are the main culprit. Now that I have a better sense of how to control it by tweaking my dose, I think it’s safe to say that within a year or two we’re going to be looking at our next crisis. I’ve gone through poverty, legal, medical, and then the shit with the lack of lust, abnormal sex and wanting a kid, so who knows what’s next.

It took me a week of taking the meds every day to get anxious and it took me three or four days of skipping every other day to get it to back off. I’m probably going to the lab on the 2nd. So starting on the 28th I’ll take it every day and we’ll see where my numbers are. The worst that can happen is the doctor freaks out and has the nurse call to try to get me to come in earlier and I explained yet again why I skip doses.

For now, I should enjoy the calm, and unless I’m hit with a whole new medical problem, that calm should last 6 to 10 years. Selling the place and moving to another state will definitely keep us busy for a while.

For the longest time, I’ve been quick to laugh at those who say that God never gives us more than we can handle. Well, I still don’t know if I believe in God, and I do know that we’re definitely given more than we can handle sooner or later because it eventually kills us be it cancer, heart disease or whatever. But there are some things I do wonder about, like the way he got a job in the nick of time back in 2011. The way I wasn’t kicked off of disability until after I was settled in with him. Just certain things like that. It’s almost like something wants to keep me afloat until it’s sure it’s ready to drown me.

I’ve been too sedentary lately and I need to stop using the weather as an excuse and letting what my heart may do scare me. Sometimes it races even when I don’t have too much medication in me. Even back in the 90s, it would race at times. But I need to remind myself that it’s not going to kill me and if it was it would do just that. There wouldn’t be much time to think about it in that case.

The older I get the more impossible it gets to get even just 5 pounds off. It’s like something up there doesn’t seem to want to let me be able to take the amount of thyroid medication my body feels it needs, and the threat of weight gain goes up even more. I’ve got age, impending menopause, and now a lowered dose of thyroid medication working against me, right along with my gender and shortness. So I need to get my ass out there more regularly. I need to get myself back in shape enough for perimeter walks. RV walks are enough, but perimeter walks would be even better because that would be closer to 40 minutes instead of 30 minutes. Duck walks, as I call them, are just 15 minutes.