Ugh, autoimmune diseases really suck shit. Back when I used to have asthma attacks when I smoked, they may have been more dangerous, but they were simpler. The problem was concentrated just in the lungs. Autoimmune diseases, however, fuck up the entire body. It’s now believed that the rash or whatever you want to call it in my private area is caused by my autoimmune curse. That’s what the doctor’s thinking anyway.

She took two swabs, one for bacteria and one for candida, just in case any of this irritation is caused by any kind of infection, though we doubt it is. Pretty sure candida is yeast, and well, I don’t have a discharge. No wonder the shrink asked about rashes, though, knowing they went hand-in-hand with autoimmune diseases. They’re also going to test a urine sample. She didn’t feel any masses when she felt around the cervix and pushed down on the uterus.

I started to suspect that I may be cursed with this problem for life just like with my ear/jaw issues. I suspected correctly. She told me it would probably be an up-and-down thing all my life. Fucking figures. Like I don’t have enough other shit. There may be worse diseases to have but this is plenty annoying enough. So long gone are the days of thinking that thyroids only control body weight.

Speaking of that, what’s wrong with my doctor, I wonder? She seems to get bigger each time I see her. She’s got to be like 6‘4” tall, and she’s easily 300 pounds. Easily. I’m thinking she most likely has a medical condition of her own. Kind of surprised she doesn’t get the gastric sleeve.

Regardless, she consulted with her colleague who has been doing this for 12 years longer than she has, so she told me, revealing that she’s 40 years old. I thought she was 30-35. I did see another doctor on the other side of the office with long gray hair. She was very pleasant looking for one with gray hair, too. Anyway, she recommended a steroid treatment with a weaker strength. I forget the name of it but it begins with an M. The other stuff was kick-ass strength, and not surprisingly, only 1% experience inflammation from it. It totally, totally figures that I had to be that 1%, too. Go out and play the lottery, she told me. Ah, but I’m never that 1% in a good way. She did say, though, that if I have any issues with the new stuff, I’ll be the first. Let’s hope not! I’ve always been prone to side effects. Always.

“It can definitely cause severe anxiety,” she said knowingly, and I told her that I had to skip doses at times to back the anxiety off and that I feel best with a TSH of 10. She asked me if I have two different doses where I take one dose one time and then another dose at different times, and that I might want to ask my doctor about that, but I prefer to simply drop to every other day when the anxiety bites, and Dr. A knows this.

She knew what I was talking about, though, and has heard of other cases of the medication being a problem. Pretty much any doctor has. It isn’t a side effect of the medication but the result of having too much for your individual body.

While it’s looking more and more like I’ve got a handle on how to control the anxiety, I don’t want to get my hopes up too high just yet and assume I’ll never have anxiety with such extreme intensity, just like I don’t want to assume my last period was on his birthday. I just hope they stop next year if they don’t stop this year. If I suddenly knew I had indeed hit menopause and that yes, I’m in the driver's seat of the anxiety car now, I would be going ballistic with joy. Like literally twirling and shouting with delight and crying tears of joy. Perimenopause in conjunction with too much thyroid medication is total hell on earth. To feel like your heart is about to explode in your chest, not knowing if you’re having a heart attack or not… ugh! The anxious effects of the thyroid meds are intense even when they’re mild. It’s a very potent kind of anxiety that’s hard to describe and probably hard for most people to understand unless they’ve experienced it firsthand. Let’s just say that last week I contemplated calling Stacey’s private line.

It took only a week of daily doses to push my TSH back down under 10 and turn the anxiety back on, partly due to accumulation as well as body memory. The more the body does something, the quicker and easier it does it again. That’s why working out is always harder for first-timers as opposed to those who have worked out before and have slacked off. Could be pocket flares and just having a high HR, too. Or being sensitive to stimulants. It took a few skips to get it to back off. 60-something mcg is definitely more comfortable for me than 75. I’ve never had a problem on anything under 75.

As I told her, I had 8 periods in 2016 and 5 so far this year. Another good sign is that I’ve been having fewer hot flashes and I’ve been sleeping better.

Anyway, I’m to use the new stuff, which is thinner and easier to spread, twice a day for a week. Then I’m to use it once a day for a week. Then I’m to use it twice a week until Valentine’s Day. This will be six months in total. She said to let her know if I want a lidocaine gel that numbs the area, but that it’s not something you use every time you get itchy. I decided to pass on that for now.

The good news is that I don’t have to go back to her anytime soon. She recommends female exams every year instead of three years because of the DES exposure, but I’m not going to worry about that right now. For now, I have a dentist appointment next month, and if all goes well I’ll be canceling the shrink in late November. The way I’m handling the thyroid meds is either going to continue to prove that yes, that was my root problem all along, or there’s something else going on. I’ve always known the thyroid meds were the main culprit because my problems didn’t start until after I started taking them, but if I do in fact have my dosage tweaked in a way that will keep the anxiety at bay, then I no longer need the lorazepam, which doesn’t work very well anymore anyway because my body got too used to it. I haven’t needed any since July 5th, so fingers crossed that I’ve got my dosage fine-tuned and that I am crossing over into menopause finally and once and for all!

Not sure if I’m going to keep taking the Amberen, but I’m going to finish what I have and see how I do.

So that’s pretty much it for now. The only other thing I can think of that we discussed is she told me to be careful what soaps and detergents I use, and recommended that I don’t sleep with any panties on. Usually, I sleep with just a G-string on, but I can drop down to my birthday suit. I’m practically there as it is. One could damn near floss their teeth with these skimpy G-strings.

Oh, and that bath bomb I used the other day that does wonders for the rest of my skin wasn’t a good idea at all. It irritated it more.

Not much else going on. Tammy’s about to join Tom in the 60s, and the weather has been cooler. Mid-August and it already feels like fall isn’t too far off. It’s been in the 80s the last couple of days which means it’s chilly in here in the early morning. It’s supposed to go back up into the 90s, but it’s not going to last much longer.