I woke up with something I don’t get too often… a headache. I gave it time to see if it would go away on its own. When it didn’t, I took Ibuprofen.

It’s been a couple of days since I updated my journal so I’m trying to remember where I left off. I think I left off messaging Dr. A about bumping the labs up a little early and she surprised me by getting back to me that night. She said I was good to go, so I went back the next day (yesterday) without any problem.

Slept okay today but yesterday I slept shitty as hell and was unable to get back to sleep so I took a Lorazepam for the first time since July. I had everything but the anxiety. Lots of insomnia, stress and frustration.

After the lab, we went to Raley’s and I really enjoyed the fried chicken I got since I had been avoiding things with cholesterol leading up to the labs. The results aren’t online yet and neither are the results of my shit test. They took 3 vials for TSH, T4 and cholesterol. Plus I’m sure they check blood sugar along with liver and kidneys.

I also messaged Dr. G and told her I was starting to have the same burning sensation I had with the other stuff. In addition to asking for advice on that, I told her that after five months I’m having a light period but still retaining water and still have sore boobs, and asked if she thinks I’m going to be done soon with periods.

She still not only recommends I have a hysteroscopy for irregular bleeding, but she could also recommend a dermatologist for me. Funny she mentioned a dermatologist because as I told her, I plan to ask Dr. A about that since I think I have the same thing on my armpits. Also, I’m not having “irregular” periods. I’m just still having periods in the first place. For some reason, I was early to start and I’m obviously going to be late to stop as well. I could be one of those women who doesn’t stop till her mid to late 50s. if I’m still having periods well into next year then I might consider investigating since I’m getting a little too old as an American for this shit. If I was German that would be different. I am a quarter Austrian, though, which is practically the same thing and they typically don’t hit menopause until the late 50s so maybe my uterus thinks it’s German or something.

Tammy has been in a lot of pain, put back on steroids, and I guess they’re going to try a different type of surgical procedure soon.

All the incense-making supplies are now here so I’m getting started tonight starting with the hot buttered rum. Damn, it smells good in here.

I asked Tom what he thought about Hawaii doing nuclear test drills due to North Korea’s threats and he said it’s nothing to worry about and that no one even knows if they can shoot missiles that far. Furthermore, it takes a lot of time and money that the country doesn’t have to get their weapons nearly as deadly as ours, etc.

I hope he’s right. People do make threats all the time after all, that they never carry out and act on. That’s why I would never worry about anyone threatening me because unless they actually did something to me, it’s just talk as far as I’m concerned. I know most people, however, take threats very seriously. Therefore, I asked him why we don’t just take out North Korea altogether since we have the power to do so and end people’s worries, and he said other countries don’t like countries that work that way.

So what? Fuck other countries. We worry too much about other countries as it is and not enough about what’s best for us. Besides, most of the world hates the US now anyway so what difference does it make? I’d rather do what’s best for us than worry about what others think, though I still agree that NK has yet to prove they can do us any real harm. They’re a tiny, poor country, and we could wipe them out in an instant. They would have to hate themselves and their friends and family just as much as us in order to be willing to accept the consequences that would come from attacking us. Sadly, however, there are numerous people who would gladly spite themselves to spite others. That’s what made the welfare bums a bit scary in Arizona. Not only were they playing the race card in a state and time that encouraged that, but they would have gladly died for us. Gladly. They’d throw their own fucking kids under of bus to screw us.

While it seems that people are only considerate of others in the wrong kind of way, I agree with him… NK’s just full of hot air. No point in doing anything unless they actually do something themselves. Anyone can threaten anybody anytime about anything, but they can’t necessarily carry out those threats even if they may want to. I don’t doubt that NK would completely wipe us out of existence if they could at the simple snap of their fingers. But that’s just a fantasy, so no point in worrying unless something actually happens.

I just wish someone would assassinate Trump already! People may still be responsible for their own actions, but if NK does anything, part of it is going to be his fault. He’s done nothing but fuck this country up. The only good he’s done is put limits, however temporary they may be, on making it harder for dangerous cultures to travel here. Other than that, he hates gays, he hates women, he hates Jews, and he chooses to act like he’s still in high school by bullying and possibly inviting trouble that not only would he have to deal with but the rest of us as well. This is a man who stands for little more than hate and bullying and will do everything he can to spread and encourage these things.

Last night I dreamed that Tammy sent me a colorful blowup desk to use to color on, LOL.

I also dreamed Tom and I lived in a house much bigger than this one and it had at least three bedrooms and a cellar. I was down and the cellar at one point and noticed some food sitting on a small table I’d forgotten about. Some cooked food that was vacuum-sealed in plastic wrap, plus some potatoes. Upstairs in the living room, I eyed a metal bracket that was attached to where the ceiling and wall joined and was covered with spackling.

Then I got some kind of job related to law enforcement and some guy was accusing me of lying about something.

Lastly, I was getting my hair done at some salon in the last dream, and someone was accusing the young stylist of being dishonest.

Speaking of hair, I decided to try that Just for Men in light-medium brown. The stuff is applied to dry hair like regular dye. The only good thing is that you only need to let it sit on your head for 5 minutes instead of 40 and it actually smells kind of good. Brown looks better on me than black, though the black part of my hair is still the same. That would have to be either bleached or cut off. More than likely, I’ll cut a little off every six months or so. As a woman, I still don’t want my hair above my shoulders.

OMG, I just got all kinds of horrible numbers back from my doctor who said to be sure to keep our Monday appt. and I totally want to scream right now! I expected my white blood cell count to be a little elevated and I expected my cholesterol to be bad. But how the fuck did my TSH jump from 6 to 11??? Ugh! I’m in tears and so ready to just give up on my health altogether. Fuck my health! I gotta die someday anyway. I’ve done nothing but battle with health issues these last few years and I’ve had enough. I just want to totally wash my hands clean of everything… the labs, doctors, medication… everything. Sometimes the best way to deal with a problem really is to just walk away from it. I’ve got problems that can’t be cured or treated, I know she’ll want to up my levothyroxine and statin me, and I’m getting to feel overwhelmed once again. I haven’t had any serious anxiety since last summer and there’s no way in hell I want to risk that with either additional or new medication. Just no fucking way. Especially being alone during weekdays when he’s working.