I slept on and off for about 9 hours and feel the most rested that I’ve felt in days. Still woke up hot a few times and my heart wasn’t so much racing as it was beating hard. When I would lay on my stomach or whatever part of me that was in contact with the mattress, it would heat up and cause that effect. But still, it was nice to wake up a few times instead of a few million and I definitely didn’t wake up due to loud vehicles either! Just a bit lightheaded now.

I crashed around 2, woke up around 6 and spoke to Tom for a few minutes. Then I took a baby Benadryl and went back to bed till around 11. I’m still not a hundred percent recharged and I don’t feel totally refreshed right now but I’m slow to wake up anyway, so I’m hoping that in an hour or two I’ll have more energy. Maybe even go on a bike ride later with Tom. Let me guess, though. Today I’ll be up for 21 hours and sleep for 6, right?

I dreamed that we moved into some house that we had checked out before when looking for a place and settling on wherever we had just moved from. I really liked its kitchen even though I still considered it to be a bit old for my tastes; in the late ‘70s to early ‘80s. I’m not sure if we were renting it or what but I knew in my mind it would only be temporary.

As for the dream I had about a week ago where I saw the scale drop to 150? Well, that one is now just two pounds away from becoming a dream premonition. I knew it meant something.

Later…

Even though I’m still having some fatigue and lightheadedness, Tom and I went out on an early morning walk and it was cool to see Mars as easily as we could.

Okay, well… my nieces and sister and I are done with each other. I’m both sad and relieved. This morning I posted on my wall that I try to be considerate of other people’s feelings and that it would be nice if people did the same for me, specifically pointing out that my saying so wasn’t in regards to any specific individual, and it wasn’t. Once again, they assumed it was aimed at them and they deleted me. I guess I just don’t have a right to express myself like they do.

While I will always love them and think of them and wish nothing but the best for them, I have always felt that in many ways the three of them, including other family members, tend to have an aggressive streak that’s a bit unnerving and they can be overly sensitive and emotional. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time when dealing with them and posting on my own wall just like they didn’t want to have to feel that way, and I don’t want to have to defend and explain myself either. As I told my sister after they dumped me, I’m too old for this drama. Therefore, I felt it was best to just pull back from all of them at least for a while. We’re just too different. I may not be perfect, as I said, but we have different personalities, different beliefs, different interests, different everything.

I just can’t deal with those that are going to be that sensitive and paranoid, and I have to think of my own discomfort as well. I wish I could be more forgiving, put the past in the past, and not mind at all about the reminders of those who have had a negative impact on my life in a major way, but I can’t change who I am any more than they can change who they are. And we shouldn’t have to either.

I hate to say it but if Tammy didn’t have any kids or they had different personalities then maybe we could be in touch all our lives. But if I felt awkward enough with her connection to one kid who wishes not to have any contact with me, imagine how I’d feel if I stayed in touch with her with all her kids not wanting contact with me? Then I would have to hear about four people I would rather not discuss, on top of God and deceased family members. Some of the deceased members I could deal with at times, but still…