Last night I dreamed that we were broke and needing assistance. I don’t know where we were living but in the dream, instead of giving you food stamps, they gave you this gadget in which you selected what you wanted to eat that week and submitted it electronically for your order to be fulfilled.

They complained that we were getting way too much for two people so they deleted almost all the junk food options since it wasn’t considered a necessity, except they left Twinkies on the list.

“So order 20 Twinkies,” I joked to Tom.

Tom got a kick out of the dream which I’m sure was spawned by our discussion yesterday. They’re starting to really fuck with him at work because they see dollar signs instead of a guy who’s suffering from health issues. I guess they’re worried about their premiums and deductibles, and being that they’re foreign-based, they actually lose money when it comes to disabled people whereas American-based companies are more apt to hire those with disabilities because they gain from it. It pisses me off that so many employers expect their workers to function like reliable little machines every single day and not have any problems. They fail to keep in mind that shit happens and things do come up. People get sick. People get injuries, illnesses and diseases. Same goes for their family members. They’re not these perfect little machines that can function without fail and indefinitely.

I guess they’re trying to encourage him to quit because while he doesn’t mind noise itself, he’s having a hard time understanding things in such a noisy environment and with so many people who are too lazy to learn English as should be the case if you’re going to work in this country. But he would never just quit because it was a shitty place to work. He said he told them, “If you’re going to fire me, go ahead and do it now, otherwise give me the form.”

“The form” is for his protection and for the doctor to fill out. It proves that he has a valid disability now. While he has regained some hearing we’re pretty sure at this point he’s never going to recover all of it and that the distortion isn’t going away. Rather than a hearing aid, he may have to block that ear.

Anyway, we talked about it and he reminded me that we have the 401 and it’s not like we would be left without anything like last time, but he would much rather be fired or laid off, which he said he’s fine with as then he can get unemployment as well and we would be okay for over a year with all we’ve got saved.

I’m glad that his being laid off wouldn’t be the crisis it was years ago, and maybe it would actually be a good thing in the end, but I still have mixed emotions about the possibility. He assured me that since they don’t pay him fairly there and treat most of their workers like shit, if anything, another job would be more money. I pointed out that an American-based job wouldn’t give him as much time off and he said that if he got 2nd or 3rd shift, we’d have time to work in appointments, reminding me he can adjust his schedule easily and he always sleeps well when he does sleep. This is true. He’s just the opposite of me.

I still wish I could jump the calendar ahead 6 years so he would be retired but I don’t want to see him get any older! When I reminded him that he’s still older and white, he said having a documented disability should actually help him because then they know up front and you’re hired with the knowledge that you’ve got the disability and all that.

We’re not sure yet if we’re going to have a case against either his company or the Medical Group, but I can say with certainty that if we get screwed over, we’re not walking away. I promised myself after the shit storm in Arizona that there would be no more letting people screw us over and then casually walking away as if they did little more than spill a cup of coffee on us. There really ARE going to be consequences for those who screw us in a really big way that alters our lives negatively.

Meanwhile, he’s still waiting for them to call for the fucking MRI appointment, and he messaged our ENT about the holdup. He may have to call the insurance company which is just fucking ridiculous. He’s also tired of getting headaches and the ringing in his ear and having to take too many ibuprofen which causes bleeding. If he just bangs himself on something accidentally he starts bleeding so he wanted to ask her about painkiller alternatives. He said he isn’t having as many headaches and hasn’t been woken up from it in a few days but isn’t sure the steroids are really helping that much. He’s almost done with them, though. He’s usually less achy at the beginning and end of his day. It’s the accumulative effect of being around all the noise at work that gets to him.

If I had to guess, I would still say we’re going to be in this house for at least 6 years because he’s going to be working for at least that long, somewhere, and will probably start applying for other jobs regardless of what his company does. He doesn’t need their shit or to be treated so unfairly. They haven’t given him a raise in quite a while and the last time they did it was kind of insulting. He’s been a great employee and this is what he gets for it.

Still, I wish we could run to Florida, run to Hawaii, get out of the country, and run to where Aly is because it would be nice to have her close by, but that climate would kill me, haha. I just want to do something.

I found myself getting a bit down yesterday, thinking it would be nice to have more friends and family that were local, but then it’s probably a good thing we don’t with the drama that usually brings. Also, just because you have them around doesn’t mean they can or will always be helpful when you need them.

So he’s 61 today and it’s sad to think of us getting old and dying. I know it’s most people’s greatest fear and it’s definitely one of mine. You wonder how you’re going to die. How is your significant other going to die? How much suffering will there be along the way? When will we die? Who will be there for us in the end? Is there an afterlife? What might it be like if there is one?

While this condition of his may be nothing compared to cancer or something like that, I always knew this near perfectly healthy guy wasn’t always going to stay that way. Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live to get older either because the older you get, the more shit you acquire and the more you suffer. I try to focus on the moment, keep positive and stay in the present, but it’s not always easy.

Later…

So my phone just rang and I was like, Dr. O’s nurse or Dr. S’s office? It was the latter. That’s the third time they called in response to my message on the portal. This time I answered and told her that more pressing issues came up with my husband and that I would call back and schedule an appointment soon.

We want to see what’s going on with him first. Meanwhile, I’ve been sleeping shitty for a long time now and it hasn’t killed me yet. A few hours ago he Skyped me to tell me that his ear popped and things were suddenly twice as loud, though still distorted. This is a great sign but it would help to know when his MRI is going to be before we schedule an appointment for me. We know he returns to the ENT on the 11th, though.

Watched a video of Dr. S and in this quick video alone I learned some amazing facts about sleep that I didn’t know. Tom’s not sure if he agrees that we don’t need less sleep with age, though.

I forgot to mention earlier that his schedule program was only one hour off. That’s pretty damn amazing for a half-a-year prediction. The program said I would get up at 1:30 a.m. and I got up about an hour later. Now let’s see if I get up at 10:30 p.m. on my birthday!

Poor Aly. She was in the hospital again for a while because she had dizziness and was bruising easily. Although the chemo seems to be helping, they’re worried she might have another autoimmune disease so she’s awaiting test results on that.

I skipped my meds today and have less anxiety and lightheadedness. Had quite a bit yesterday, especially lightheadedness. I’m getting even more convinced that this does stem from the meds. I just don’t understand why I don’t have the symptoms every single time I take the medication. It’s great that I can cut back when I need to but it sucks to think I could have to deal with this shit all my life and never be able to bring my numbers to where they should be. Instead, my metabolism will be forever slow but that’s supposed to make you live longer, so I heard. Not a thrilling idea with a husband who’s 8.5 years older.

If I never hear again from Tammy I’m going to always wonder if she does have sarcoidosis but at the same time, I feel confident she will live for quite some time to come. I really think she’s a hypochondriac. Not that she’s making up the diseases she has. I believe the diseases are very real. It’s just that she makes it sound like she’s going to die yet never does so even though we all get something that kills us sooner or later, I still think she’s looking at later rather than sooner.

Still have mixed emotions about not having contact with them but I feel a lot better today. I don’t feel the sense of sadness that I started to feel. I think I’m better off without them in my life. They’re just dramatic, emotional, aggressive people who aren’t very bright in a lot of ways. There’s a reason that such young sisters are still single and have been living together for so many years, and it’s not just because of their weight.

Getting these white vinyl panels that you can stack as high as you want to replace the old corner fence. We figured it would need 18 panels and would cost about $320. We’re going to have three layers with the bottom two being solid and the top having these diagonal “dashes” cut out in them. They also had circles and one other design but I liked the slanted dashes best.

I was outside on the patio sipping my raspberry tea a few hours ago when I said hello to Bob who was watering his tomatoes. We got to talking about different things and given that he got an iPhone 5 or 6 years ago at the suggestion of his daughter in case they ever got stuck on the road, I was surprised he didn’t know what speech-to-text was. They do watch TV even though they don’t have a computer and I still thought they would know what that is just like almost everybody knows what LOL means and OMG. But he’d never heard of it and when I showed him how it worked on my phone he was pretty amazed.

Carolyn wished Tom a happy birthday on Facebook and I complimented their yard. It’s looking really great.

I decided to hang up voice blogging for a while. It was a fun and interesting experiment but there are too many problems with it. Bubbly is glitchy and it’s a pain in the ass converting audio and then uploading it to Tumblr. If I do it at all I’m just going to do it directly on my phone and leave it at that. I’ve got a journal/pic app loaded.