Tom has had on-and-off pain in his ear. Depending on what my ENT does for him will depend on whether or not he stays with Mercy.

Because I don’t believe we can prove or disprove the presence of God, I have considered myself agnostic for quite a while now. However, when I consider the fact that my sleep is so cursed in so many different ways, it sure makes me wonder if there isn’t something out there with a beef against me. I’m not only the lightest sleeper on earth, but I can’t keep a schedule, and sometimes I wake up just because. So why I was up 21 hours and only slept for 6 is beyond me. It’s almost like my schedule is fighting to reset itself like my weight fights to reset itself after I lose a few pounds. So far it looks like the guess his program made half a year ago for what time I’ll be getting up on his birthday is only going to be off by 3-4 hours. It does seem that despite the many sleep disturbances, it all balances out in the end. It will be interesting to see how close the program’s guess is for my birthday!

Even though I was tired when I got up, I was just as tired of not having the energy to work out, so being one who likes regular fresh air and doesn’t like to keep still for long, I decided to go for a quick walk shortly after 7 PM. There’s a house for sale just around the corner on Blucher and I couldn’t help but wish we could trade places with it. Even though it’s not a corner house, it’s off the main street and two sides of it are very private because it backs up against high retaining walls and there’s also some vegetation back there that makes it more private.

Said hello to Mr. 20s on the way back and it seems the park activity is starting to get to him as well. He said he thinks of me every time they’re doing something because he knows it’s hard on me when I’m trying to sleep. It’s annoying as fuck when I’m awake but I’d rather that than be woken up. They still haven’t hit the circle yet, so I still have that hanging over my head. It wouldn’t surprise me if I was in for a very rough week because I’m right smack dab on nights now. Then there are the regular loud vehicles and sleeping through them is hit or miss.

He’s annoyed by all the plane and helicopter activity as well. I’m still surprised they can’t hear loud car stereos on the freeway even with new windows because they’re even closer to it, and they’re a few feet higher up. In fact, I know they hear more than I do because he asked if we hear any dogs in here from over the wall and we don’t. Although it’s nothing like when they were in the mainstream, because they’re at the edge of the park, they do hear barking dogs. I’m not the least bit surprised. So they hear more than me and I would be willing to bet that Bob and Virginia hear less than me because they’re not only one house further away from the freeway but they’re a few feet lower than me. Their only negative is that they’re right on the greenbelt. And if I think it’s going to be maddening when they get around to trimming the Cali oak in the center island, I can just imagine how it will be for them, deafer than me or not.

Someone leaves their dog tied to their white picket fence and unattended down on Tandy so I realize we could have a lot worse, including neighbors with motorcycles or that have a fondness for power tools much more than Bob ever did. I know and like Bob and Virginia real well now so I don’t care what they do, and nothing they’ve done has ever woken me up that I know of.

Right now I’m hearing planes and the house diagonally across from us that blasts their TV by their open window for a couple of hours at night. I can hear it if the air cleaner is on low but not on medium.

The walk I took actually perked me up a bit. Exercising can be like sugar… It gives you a burst of energy and then you crash. But to my surprise, I’ve had more energy ever since. Usually, if I wake up tired because I was short of sleep, I stay tired all day.

Don’t want to risk the possibility of me slandering the shit out of you after I’m dead by scheduling future blog posts with all kinds of BS? Then you better not burn me in any kind of a really big way!

Against my better judgment, I ran the black pig’s name along with mine out of curiosity and pulled up the slanderous article the Arizona Republic wrote in March 2001. Only I couldn’t read it. They keep the print microscopic unless you sign up and I wasn’t that curious to read what I knew was a work of pure fiction. The only words I could make out in the headline were “threats,” “hate” and “target.” I could also just make out a picture of the black bitch. There was a thing that lets you search text within the articles, and sure enough, I did hit my name. Where it got really weird is that on Google search results I got something about the TV show I used to really be into, Unsolved Mysteries.

What. The. Fuck?

What the fuck did that show have to do with the case? What, did she just want to get on TV about it or something? And why? To gain sympathy and attention as a “victim?” Because she was proud to bring a white person down and she wanted to show off? Just ran Unsolved Mysteries + my name. Nothing. Hmm… maybe Jodi Arias was connected to that, though I thought the show was done long before she hit the scene.

Again, before all this shit went down I never gave a shit about color. What happened between us was never about race, it was about the way they treated my husband and me. They were the ones who turned it into a racial issue and they were the ones who turned me into a hater. We can’t make anyone love us. We can’t even make anyone like us. But we sure as hell can make people hate us, and that’s exactly what their years of harassment succeeded in accomplishing. But it never was or will be about the color of their skin or where they’re from. It was all about their behavior.

When I think of all they put me through for about 7 years or so, I really hope there is no God. Again, I don’t know if there is one or not but I really hope there isn’t because to think that there could be one that let everything happen that happened is a really scary thought. It really is.

Only Tom, Tammy and Aly are going to know about my little revenge story which is basically reality turned bullshit that is my primary style anyway. It’s a popular style for many writers to take something that actually happened and then turn it into something totally different in the end.

The cells in The OA gave me a great idea for a revenge story where some friends don’t actually exist and I kidnap them, bring them to this “prison” in an abandoned mine and torture the shit out of them. Some I let live so they have to live with the trauma of what I did to them. It’s a very dark story I probably won’t share with anyone while I’m alive. But the more I think about it the more I would be plenty happy to share when I’m gone. Grins wickedly I don’t know who will still be around at that time, but who says I can’t queue up and schedule future posts on Blogger with whatever email addresses I can find embedded into it?

Not only did I lose half a year of my freedom and thousands of dollars but the media is almost as guilty as the freeloaders themselves because they slandered and libeled the shit out of me without even verifying the liars’ stories. At the time it was a little embarrassing because I was forced to interact with people I knew would be reading this shit. I knew that those who knew me best would know better and not judge me for it but still. They could have said I came at them with a knife and it would have been printed, no questions asked, and maybe it was. I don’t know. I never cared to actually read the article(s) because I know it’s a work of fiction.

It’s more than just about my freedom of speech being denied and other things, but about being told what to do in my 30s, like how long I had to be in jail, what I wore, what I ate, what I could do, when I could do it…even after jail before the vindication. That was incredibly humiliating and I still can’t believe I didn’t run. Why did I even go to court to begin with?

So what’s the point of publishing a revenge story if what happened can’t be undone? That is the point… cuz it can’t be undone AND they got away with it while I was made to pay for shit I not only didn’t do but didn’t even know about initially. Also, and as I’ve always said, even if I’d been 100% guilty, I didn’t deserve what I got. I can see a slap on the wrist and maybe some community service for threats, but come on. 90% of the population makes threats at some time or another, and how many of them actually act on them? That’s what my problem has been all along; that I never actually did anything. It was all about what I had to say on account of them instigating me month after month, year after year, and they didn’t want to hear it.

So they’ve got their lies published on me and eventually, I will have lies published on them. And because I’ll be gone there won’t be a damn thing they can do about it and that’s a nice feeling. That’s the whole point for me and in this case, I don’t care if two wrongs don’t make a right. Oh, they could possibly have it taken down, but I would rather the people it’s about see it and then have it taken down than for them not to see it and have it stay up. I’ll never know for sure, but with it out there, there will always be a chance they or someone they know could Google their names and hit it.

I realize that in the end none of the slanderous shit they wrote that people paid money to read ever literally came back to haunt me. It never stopped me from passing background checks for the Oregon property management, Jesse, or here since I was vindicated in the end after all, but that’s not the whole point. The bullshit will still be out there for life, I never received a public apology, and no one wanted to listen to the white girl’s side of the story either. When they came to interview me in jail and I was dumb and naive enough to think they’d actually come to show support, they edited out everything I told them for their “news” report. I told them what actually happened but no one wanted to hear it. I was too white to be heard. The pig may’ve been booted from the force, but I never received a penny of compensation. Ever.

Another thing that’s bothered me is that no one ever defended me to them or doubted them or questioned them in any way. Not only would this have never happened if she was as white as I am and not only are those that claim there’s such a thing as white privilege full of shit and obviously unaware of just how much more rights and protection blacks have, but no one once ever said to her, are you sure you didn’t provoke her to react the way she did? Are you sure you guys were 100% innocent and that it’s all on her? But if our shoes were swapped I would have been questioned like crazy, she would have been defended and made excuses for, and that’s basically what happened anyway. I’m always the one that’s 100% responsible for everything.

What happened can never be undone. There will never be any justice in my case. I get that. I totally do. The point of leaving the story after we’re both gone is so that I will be too dead for my civil rights to be violated once again the way they were 18 years ago for speaking the truth. I am utterly appalled that we as a country, or any country, can throw someone in jail simply for expressing themselves even if it’s not what most people want to hear and even if it really is considered mean or threatening. That’s not as bad as countries that will throw gays in jail or oppress women but it’s still pretty bad that people want to control a natural thing such as speech that is basically everyone’s given birthright. Without the freedom of expression, one can truly go crazy in some ways. They complain that jails and prisons are overcrowded but I think they would find that if they used them for violent offenders that actually deserve to be there, they would have a lot more room.

The way the fucking Mexican bitch said I racially slurred her when she called the cops along with her 15 other house guests, the way the other one put on a dramatic performance in court claiming she had to move twice and being lucky to be alive which was total bullshit, and the way they were automatically believed while I was denied the right to express myself and tell my side of the story (the judge, a complete stranger, made up his mind about me before he even saw me), is almost like a PTSD of a different kind for me. If they think any therapist can undo any emotional damage their actions caused me, they’re pretty damn naïve, even if I may no longer be affected in the ways I was nearly 2 decades ago. While we can’t go round them up and bring them to the set of The OA so we can shave their heads while they parade around naked with no such thing as commissary or visitation rights and have to eat those pellets that were dispensed into the cells, they’re going to be forever slandered too someday, as even if something is taken down or set private, it’s still there forever.

I know some may not get it, and it’s very hard to explain, but it gives me some sense of closure to know that in 20 to 30 years I can do this and I don’t mind waiting that long either. Good things really are worth waiting for. Obviously, if we’re both suddenly killed in a car accident or something like that in the near future the story won’t get published, but this is what I’d like to eventually do because I don’t know what else we could do any more than I knew 10, 15 years ago, yet to do absolutely nothing at all is very hard for me as I would think it would be for most victims of abuse and crimes be it legal abuse and crimes or otherwise. One can only keep silent and do nothing for so long. So this online legacy I’ll leave after I’m gone will give me at least a small sliver of peace of mind, so to speak because I will be presenting it as a true story and all the names are real except for the reporters’ names because I don’t know their names and I’m too lazy to try to find them.

I get that because this happened nearly two decades ago and in another state, most people wouldn’t think to dig up any news articles or even know how since having certain names and keywords would help, and I get that there are obviously no felonies on my record, but these things are still out there somewhere. One day, my blog will be too. If I knew we were going to kill ourselves together or if he suddenly died, I wouldn’t have to schedule anything. I could spread the story around on multiple blogs and then some. So how and when and where it’s going to be distributed is something I probably won’t know for some time to come.

Last night I dreamed of Paula. I visited her in this small but cute house she inherited. I loved the decorative front door.

Later…

Sometimes I’m not sure which is worse, Democrats or Republicans. The Republicans are often hateful towards women and gays and fight to make sure they don’t have a full bag of rights.

On the other hand, they fight harder to protect our borders from illegals, which are usually criminals, from burdening our system even more at the expense of our hard-earned tax dollars.

The Democrats believe more in equality, which is nice, but they tend to be too soft and generous and that can get us taken advantage of.

While I disagree with 99% of what Trump has done, I’m tired of everyone complaining about kids being taken from their parents when their parents should have known better to begin with. If you break the law when you have kids, you may be sent to jail and therefore separated from them. So why is it okay to be separated from them if they rob a bank or kill someone but it’s not okay if they lose them by entering the country illegally, getting whatever freebies they can get, and then carrying on with illegal activity?

If the parents were so worried about their kids and decent parents to begin with, then they should have thought of this first… break the law and you could be separated from your kids. Maybe this will serve as an example of what can happen if you try to bust on over here for free stuff at our expense. The immigration issue is getting worse and worse and we finally need to crack down on it and deal with it for once and for all, even if that means taking drastic measures. Sometimes it takes going to extremes to better things in the long run. Not many seem to agree with me, of course, but you know what? I don’t give a shit. I accept and I’m okay with my opinions, feelings and beliefs not always being within the so-called norm and I also accept and am okay with others who aren’t ok with my opinions, feelings and beliefs.