I’m really a colossal fuckup in the kitchen. Taste-wise the lasagna was just okay. Maybe a little bland. Texture-wise it was lacking in oomph. The sauce and the cheese were too runny. Tom had most of it. At least it was edible for my first time.

Lying in bed this cold, dark morning exhausted, thanks to having to take the earbud out because my ear hurt only to be woken up a few hours later by a thunderously loud vehicle of some kind. Had trouble falling back asleep and I might as well have just stayed up because after I went back to sleep and got up 6 hours later, I was just as tired as I would have been on only a few hours of sleep. I don’t get that. I just don’t get why returning to sleep, even if it isn’t always right away, doesn’t refresh me. For some reason, I’m just not one of those who can feel very awake when my sleep gets broken up like that. I know some people can split their sleep just fine, but not me. I just wish I could sleep through all the chaos like the rest of the world seems to be able to, although most people can sleep at night. I wouldn’t have such problems if I could, too. I swear something up there doesn’t want me to sleep any more than it wants me making money.

While my life is far from bad right now, I couldn’t agree more with the question of the day on Ask asking if we agree that nobody goes through more shit (I’m surprised they would swear) in life than someone with a good heart. Maybe if I actually acted on some of my dark, twisted, evil thoughts, life would be even better. The problem is that I’m capable of feeling things like guilt, remorse and regret, so I don’t. I also don’t want to risk being caught and going to jail for anything, even if I may actually deserve to be there. And it would be my shit luck too, that I would get caught.

Another statement I could relate to is how one of the characters in the book I’m listening to now, called The Best Friend, said something about things improving in one area of life means things fall apart in another area. I couldn’t agree with that more! Do better financially, and acquire an anxiety disorder.

Then there was something about God supposedly turning on those that turn on Him. Well, shouldn’t He have thought of that before He allowed so many bad things to happen to some people? This is, if He really exists, of course.

Today I’m too tired to work out or even finish the dusting which I can always do later or tomorrow, but I managed to walk 65 minutes yesterday and burn 260 calories. I felt good afterward. No hip pain or sore feet. Fucking planes were so loud, though, I could hear them over the whir of the treadmill and the show I was watching. I’ve got the air cleaner running beside me and I can faintly make out the planes over it which are really bad beginning at 5:45 AM until somewhere between 7 and 8. Starts up again around 9 or 10 at night and goes on till midnight. It’s actually round the clock but those are the times it’s most noticeable. We’ve got rain returning which is both good and bad. It will definitely make it more peaceful but that means potential leaks, the house smelling a bit, and my lungs being tight.

I may not be able to lose weight since I can’t stand to cut my calories low enough to do it that way, but walking a lot definitely seems to speed up my metabolism and reshape me. I lose inches. It was funny how one of my doctors told me I “looked great” when I was walking a lot and congratulated me on my weight loss when I had only lost a few pounds.

Just when we were about to cancel Hulu after our free month, I found a bunch of goodies so we’re going to extend it at least another month. We both hate commercials so we’ll pay more to get rid of them. Been watching some docuseries. Most of what’s out there today are “docs” anyway, and they’re American-made so I don’t have to deal with accents or subtitles, though I do turn those on anyway. Right now I’m watching Obsession: Dark Desires.

I also watched a docuseries on both Jodi Arias and Casey Anthony, even though I know the stories. Both should be executed, although I don’t know if I can agree that it was a case of premeditation in Jodi’s case. Like one of the jurors said, why would she go over and have sex with Travis all day if she knew she was going to kill him? Why not just get right down to business?

Definitely agree that Travis led her on and played with her head, but perhaps not intentionally. I think he was confused and torn between being Mormon and being human. But his confusion strung Jodi along and for some reason, she just couldn’t dump him and find someone else, which I would think would have been simple enough for her to do because she was attractive and guys are usually pretty easy.

Her bringing the two gas cans supposedly so she wouldn’t have to stop and Arizona and leave any traceable transactions after California and before Utah is a little suspicious, though.

Casey’s case was as obvious as could be that I’m absolutely dumbfounded as to why she wasn’t convicted at least on some of the lesser charges. Based on all the evidence it’s quite obvious that she got the chloroform that she had looked up online, knocked her kid out, then put duct tape over her mouth to suffocate her while she was out. Then she dumped the kid in the woods and happily carried on with her life as a” free” woman. Really, that one was a no-brainer. But God will bless her with all kinds of good things, money galore, and I’m sure she’ll have more kids, too.

Tom brought up the possibility of the new blood pressure monitor’s wristband not being broken in yet and being a bit stiff, so I should compare its readings with the old one to see how they compare. The new one is a little higher than the old one but not much. I’ve definitely got blood pressure issues with both top and bottom numbers no matter what I eat and no matter how active I am. It’s called “getting older” and I’ve decided that it absolutely, positively sucks shit. I don’t care how much smarter we get with age! The rest of it sucks too much to matter. I’d rather go back to being a young naive little idiot.

Tom said he was stopping at Walmart on the way home and asked if I wanted anything. I said sure, and one of the things he got was a 12-pack of strawberry margaritas. Today I won’t bother because I’m tired but I like to have a drink before bed most days. It was funny because he started to say that it had a “blood” alcohol content of 8% instead of the usual 5% my wine coolers have. LOL

Again, if I’m not going to lose weight, a couple extra hundred calories won’t hurt me. I stay between 1500-2000, keep active, and I shouldn’t gain on that. I’ve been in the same weight range for a while now. If I were ever disabled to the point that I couldn’t be active, OMG! I’d have to damn near starve myself for sure.

I’m not overly knowledgeable when it comes to alcohol. All I know is that I won’t allow myself more than one drink a day and I will never drink myself drunk. I thought of different ideas. I could get that big bottle of Vodka we saw at Sam’s, some OJ, and make my own screwdrivers. When doing some research I was surprised to find some things have an alcohol percentage in the 30s and even higher. I thought, wouldn’t you damn near pass out? But I guess you don’t usually drink certain things straight up or in larger quantities. Like the Smirnoff Whipped Cream I found on Walmart’s site. This is something that would be good to add an ounce to soda or decaffeinated coffee before bed or when the anxiety returns.

I’d never touch a Bloody Mary because I hate the ingredients in it.

As I’ve written before, Tom and I had a mostly shitty sex life together until it became non-existent altogether. I really do believe his inability to get off regularly was beyond his control. I just think it was a problem he didn’t mind having and that he didn’t want to fix. I think the thought of addressing it to a doctor was embarrassing to him and I’m pretty sure he didn’t really want kids deep down. So I haven’t blamed him for that much for years. I don’t “blame” him for anything now either. However, I do think I should have been told of this problem upfront. I don’t know if I would have been old enough or wise enough to understand it at the time but at least I would have been told.

The only thing I remember dreaming about last night was going to these houses in a somewhat rural area with a couple of friends and breaking into them. I don’t know who I was with but I know that in one of the houses we broke into, we could hear an older lady locked in her bedroom on the phone with the police. So we ran out of the house as fast as we could, not wanting to risk getting caught or maybe even shot by the woman. As I was fleeing, I realized I left my coat behind. For some reason, I had taken it off once we got inside the house. So now I was terrified that I would be caught.