If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I went deaf. Been up since 1 PM and it’s been amazingly quiet ever since.

A new hideaway is on the way for the pigs that they hopefully can’t flip over. Also on the way is pig/rat food/hay/bedding and patchouli incense.

The pigs are so funny because they sometimes start screaming as soon as I open the bedroom door when I get up. Also, when I’m talking to Tom, every time they hear my voice they scream. They’re at least smart enough to have learned which one of us usually feeds them. LOL

I’m down 1.5 lbs but I’m not about to get my hopes up because I’ve always been able to lose just a few pounds. Still retaining water too, for some strange reason. Even though my inches may already be dropping just a teeny little fraction, my bra feels tighter.

Just wish I didn’t have the fear of my medication hanging over me as far as weight loss goes. I think that’s been putting a bit of a block on me right along with age and genetics and all that shit.

I finished watching the Obsession series and now I’m watching the Disappeared series. In the last episode of Obsession, was a case of a woman who was raped and murdered by a stalker who wanted to be her. He would dress in women’s clothing, try to hide it, and also deny his true sexuality to others. Goes to prove my theory about rapists being closeted gays is probably right on. I think what a guy is really trying to say when he rapes a woman is, “I’m angry that I’m gay and I can’t admit it and handle it, so I must lash out at the women I’ve come to resent because of my inability to be turned on by them.”

I don’t think it’s just about control for them but actually more about their own lack of control. I think the world would be surprised at just how many gay men there are out there if they would just own up to it and admit it, but of course, not all closet gays are rapists. But those who express a preference for same-gender coworkers and things like that are pretty obvious enough to me. I think anytime someone prefers the company of their own gender they’re either gay or at least bisexual but leaning towards whatever sex they favor. If I’d never met Tom, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I was with a woman unless I was still alone.

I would love to go out for a walk right now with the way the nighttime can take my mind places I’d rather it not go. You know, the usual fears… Not having anyone to help us when we get old. Tom dying first and me having to kill myself and hopefully do it right since I couldn’t stand to be without him. Suffering when I am dying. Finding out that there is an afterlife and it’s so bad that it makes my worst of days in this existence seem like a real party.

But it’s too cold to go out. When I can, though, the LED-flashing barrette I just got is going to be great for running and riding.

Tom and I did another workout video yesterday and I now realize just what shitty shape I’m in these days. I’m practically disabled compared to how I was years ago. Part of that is my fault for not being more consistent, and it does take regularity, especially as you age. I didn’t realize until I struggled through those exercises just how out of shape I’ve become, especially trying to do burpees. I’m on the treadmill right now and I did some Bowflex exercises earlier.

I’m back to sleeping shitty again but that’s probably because I’m on nights now. The earbuds didn’t bother me and traffic didn’t wake me up but I still woke up many times, once when I felt the neck knockers. I’m definitely not having too much sodium so I don’t know what that was about. Maybe it has something to do with the position of my head or something but I don’t know. Blood pressure wasn’t that bad when I got up so I’m stumped.

I’m also back to hot flashing in my sleep but no racing heart, fortunately.

They’ve been doing really bad at work and I worry about him getting laid off. The company is so broke they can’t even afford to fix one of the urinals in the bathroom, and Tom took a portable heater to work because they can’t even afford to fix their broken heater. I hope the AC works in the summer! It definitely gets hotter here than it does cold but he’s a desert native so he can handle some heat.

It still infuriates me that it’s considered “freedom of expression” if you blast your car stereo to the point that you’re waking people up but if you have something to say out loud or on paper that someone might not want to hear, it’s a fucking felony. Come on, how twisted is that?!

Decided I would be better off not painting the fairy or using markers on her. I polished her nails bright pink but I’m going to leave it at that.

I guess one ounce is considered a serving of the vanilla-infused Smirnoff vodka I got today but I started with half of that when spiking my decaf coffee with it. I didn’t even get a buzz so I think I’ll use a full ounce next time. Maybe I’ll pick up some OJ singles and make screwdrivers. I read that typically, 1.5 oz of vodka and 6 oz of OJ is how they’re made, but the OJ singles I sometimes get are 8 oz. Close enough. :-)

Had to get off the treadmill after just 15 minutes because my right hip is killing me. Damn, I’m getting sick of all this hip pain!

Every now and then I get a crazy idea that pops into my mind at random. Well, I think I’d like a small silicone doll. Not for getting it on with, of course, but for decoration. I’ve always loved lifelike and realistic dolls. I could get a fairly decent one for under $300, including shipping. Should be about 40 in tall and weigh about 25 lb, so less than half the size, weight and price of the one I have now. I said I would look for one with a tan or that was black for variety but I always find myself liking the Asian dolls which is what they mostly have, anyway.

Except for the basketballs on her chest, my doll is gorgeous but too big and heavy. I want something that can be moved around and is easily changeable. I’m kind of hoping my buddy will one day drive out and decide she wants to take Suki back with her and make payments whenever she can. She could always pay at her leisure and of course she doesn’t have to pay what we paid for her. I know she likes pale skin, red hair and green eyes but that’s the beauty of these types of dolls. They can wear any color/style wig and have any color eyes. She could have both heads and several of the wigs. No green eyes or red hair but at least she’s pale.

My ear continues to irritate me on the outside although Tom says it looks fine. He looked inside and said it looked a little gunked up but not too bad. I feel this strange pressure where the ear meets my head and a little bit on the outside “knob” of cartilage that sits right above the lobe and I’m not sure what the hell is going on. Maybe I’ll find out in June when I see my ENT.

The car has been thirsty again, signaling it needs water, and while it’s no emergency, it’s looking like we are going to have to get another car while we’re still here. This one is starting to look a little shitty on the outside anyway because the fake convertible is shredding.

Where yesterday was amazingly quiet and the only loud vehicle I heard was Safeway coming to deliver our groceries and the planes were barely existent, tonight it’s the opposite. Yeah, I knew I couldn’t get two peaceful nights in a row. I heard that loud car, other loud vehicles, and plenty of planes.

We went out walking down to the lake and back after he came home. The sun was shining brightly but the air was cool. On our way back, as we were approaching the Twenties’, this insanely loud dog started barking its ass off in one of the yards just over the wall outside the park. The thing sounded huge and oh, those poor Twenties! They must absolutely hate it being closer to it. We almost never hear anything as far as dogs or anything else because fortunately, we’re a little further down the hill and blocked by houses. We have heard faint barking occasionally but nothing too annoying, and the only times I’ve heard kids is when I’m out in the carport, so I don’t mind.

I am absolutely hungry as hell today. I’m now down from 155.0 to 153.2 but I swear no matter what I eat, I just can’t get rid of this hunger! It’s like PMS hunger all over again. I just want to eat till I puke! Since I’m going to be hungry anyway, I’m trying not to stray too far from my goal. Usually, when I get this hungry it takes 500-800 calories to stop it and that would put me way over. Meanwhile, a banana or something small won’t curb hunger this intense. Just gotta wait it out. Whenever I drop a pound or two, I get hungry like this. It’s like my body’s trying to fight for its weight back, crying out for those 1500-1800 cals it’s used to.

I still say I’m not going to lose more than a few pounds. Every time I do, I can keep on dieting and exercising and doing everything right, but the weight automatically resets itself back to where it was before. One or two more pounds and my body will go into automatic reset mode. When it does, at least I won’t have to worry about my medication and I know that I can always use MyFitnessPal to help when I’m up a few extra pounds. Just wish they’d quit with the fucking video ad craze cuz that really slows the site down.

I read that a body buried 6 feet in ordinary soil that’s unembalmed takes 8-12 years to become skeletonized. I guess the three grandparents that I knew who died in 1983 and 1985 would definitely be all bones by now since Jewish people typically don’t allow themselves to be embalmed. Yeah, I have these morbid thoughts at times.

Last night I had a dream where my father said to my mother in a tone that was a mixture of sarcasm and anger, “Shall we tell her about the latest news?”

“What?” I asked. “Are the Muslims threatening us again?”

“Yup,” said Dad.

When I got up, I found threats in the news but they were from Putin. The Russians are assholes but not as bad as the Middle East and North Korea. Still, Russia loves to make its share of threats to several countries.