While it’s good to know what foods trigger my LS, again I can’t help but think of how unfortunate it is that I was the one that had to research and learn this information on my own. What if the Internet never existed? Better yet, why the hell didn’t Amy or any other doctor tell me what I needed to know? Why wasn’t I given a list of the foods and drinks that could potentially be a problem?

Tom just left for work and I’m lying in bed as Roomba vacuums the bedroom. As I lie here bracing myself for the return of my inevitable anxiety and trying to remain in the present and enjoy the calm while it lasts, I thought I would jot down some thoughts. Well, as usual, I’m speaking and watching this turn into print as I go along.

Since everything is either foreign shit or docks, I watched a three-part Jodi Arias documentary on Hulu which we’re about to cancel. I’ve always been as fascinated by the case as most people seem to be and as I usually am when it pertains to female killers. Naturally, it brought back a slew of memories pertaining to my own case even though it was drastically different. I wasn’t just remembering the case itself or my time in jail, but some of the detention officers and inmates as well and wondering what they’re up to these days. I looked up some of the inmates I knew that eventually went from jail to prison like Rosa, Myra, Hope, Kim, Teresa and even Marilyn who I was glad to see hasn’t returned since 2008. Hope isn’t getting out till 2040 and Teresa would have to live until 2131 to see freedom again. Ugh, how do they do it? Regardless of their crimes and whether or not their sentence is just, how do they not kill themselves the first chance they get?

Wonder how many of these people have met Jodi? She’s in the Lumley unit and I know some of these people are, too.

I thought of how my barbaric sentence could have been even worse, if one can believe it, and how I could have ended up in Perryville myself for a year or two. I went through my usual list of regrets… I should have beaten the shit out of the bitch when I had the chance because then I would have deserved my sentence, I should have never gone to court, I should have absconded, and so on and so forth.

And then I thought of family. Despite the flaws in his family, I sometimes miss having local family and friends but then it does take a lot more than biology to be “family,” and my friend at the time wasn’t really my friend, was he? If we were suddenly homeless for any given reason, we’d be fucked. Totally fucked. We’d have no one to run to. While this is sad to know, this prospect is a lot less terrifying than it once was after what I went through with my meds and anxiety which was far scarier than anything else I can ever imagine going through in my remaining 25 years or so. Only losing Tom and then hoping I didn’t fuck up when killing myself would be scarier.

I’m trying to change my way of thinking and I’m trying to focus on the present rather than the future and concentrate on what is and not what might be. And also on what I can control. The older I get, the more I realize that getting overly sensitive or emotional about shit is pointless.

We were compensated for our years of financial struggles and I was compensated with true love after several years of rejection from those I wanted and offers from those I didn’t. Too bad I know compensation for living in one noisy place after another isn’t likely to happen any more than compensation for being fat for over a decade, but I suppose it depends on how you look at it. Perhaps the fat is actually compensation for spending the better part of my younger years on the thin side.

Haven’t had any alcohol at the end of my day for a few days and I wonder if the fact that I miss it is a bad thing. Perhaps I was getting to like it a little too much and was getting too used to those end-of-the-day wine coolers. I stopped because I thought cutting out the extra calories would help, but then I remember that cutting back doesn’t cut it for me, so why not indulge? No reason I couldn’t eat 1300 to 1400 calories of food and include a 200-calorie wine cooler. I won’t gain on 1500-1600 cals + exercise.

No car, Tom just said. He drove around the circle on his way to work. I’m both surprised and not. I think he’s staying here part-time. I’m sure he’ll be in for breakfast since he obviously can’t buy or make his own. Not going to tell the Twenties he’s not here because I still want them to complain. I like the idea of them making potential trouble for these rude, annoying assholes.

Speaking of annoying assholes, it’s clear and cold this morning, so I’m guessing it’ll be plane time any minute now. They’ve been quieter but I think that’s only due to the clouds and rain. I doubt it’ll rain much, if at all, today.

I’m actually writing this early Tuesday morning but since I’m on nights now, I’ll wait until after I’ve slept so I can add any dreams I may remember and probably post this after midnight tomorrow.

Okay, so I got up around 8 and I can’t remember a single dream. I know I woke up at one point and made a mental note of a quick dream I had, but I can’t remember it now.

No car yesterday morning either.

At 156/97 I’d say lowering the sodium and upping the exercise isn’t doing me any good any more than cutting calories to a reasonable amount for weight loss does me any good.

Aly has a couple of job interviews tomorrow. Kind of hoping she gets a job full-time where she doesn’t have as much time for texting though she could always do it on breaks. Maybe even more often. Some jobs allow you to be online all day. Nane worked in an office yet was able to go on Facebook for most of the day.

The rain has backed off and now the planes are back in full swing and doing a fine job of annoying me. At least I have my paints and brushes on the way to look forward to as well as chocolate raspberry K-cups.

My first lasagna is now baking in the oven and it will be interesting to see how my version of it comes out!