Alone in the night while Tom is asleep I try not to think of all those “what ifs” that could go wrong in life. It is truly depressing if I do. What if Tom were suddenly diagnosed with something terminal? What if the cops came to this door saying he’d been killed in a car accident? What if circumstances beyond our control once again force us into poverty and we lose our place? What if, what if, what if?! 

Trying to switch my mind off isn’t always very easy. I don’t suppose the counselor I’ll be seeing eventually will have any magic words for me, but maybe she can suggest something I haven’t already thought of. 

I’m worried about my biopsy results, though I know that logically there’s really nothing to worry about. 

It isn’t so much all the health issues that are getting to me so much as all the damn appointments. I have one curable and two treatable health conditions, so it’s not like there are a dozen or more conditions I’m juggling. It’s just that I have to go to the ear doctor, then the eye doctor, then the dentist, then the GP, then the counselor, and it just never seems to end. It gives me comfort in knowing no one’s forcing me to deal with any of this shit. I can stop it anytime I want. But what good would that do me? Huh? What good would it do me? 

Later… 

Scheduled a late afternoon appointment on Thursday with a therapist named Dana. It’s cool how we can see pictures of doctors, dentists and therapists and other people online before we meet them so we know what they’re going to look like. Not that it matters, but she’s rather ordinary-looking. Blond, 40s, slim. 

My day is just as ordinary, but ordinary can be a good thing, right? I’m going about my usual routine and once the sun sets I’ll go out on my bike. 

Amazingly enough, I’m still ahead of schedule sleep-wise. It’s like it’s not rolling as fast, so we’ve noticed. Tom thinks it’s age. This is good and bad when you think about it. It’s good because it’s more stable, but bad if I suddenly have to flip my schedule for some reason. 

Later… 

Aly and I still have mutual friends? Really? WHAT mutual friends??? I was on Facebook when I typed in the name of someone whose name starts off similar to hers in the search area. Sometimes it’s quicker to get to a person’s wall this way, only I accidentally landed on hers. I could see old posts of mine, which she has set to friends of friends. When I logged out and peeked in through Tom’s account I couldn’t see them. I searched my friend list, but it’s showing no mutual friends at all. 

It kinda sucks to know that she was probably friends with Kim and Molly on Facebook before I deleted her and they were seeing everything I posted. Everything. Including my friends’ activity. That’s probably why she always used to keep her friend list hidden. Mine is hidden too, but that’s to protect them from any potential troublemakers. I’ve also alerted them to the possibility of them coming around, though there haven’t been any problems yet, so I’m not too worried about it. 

Aly may not be the most honest person, but she never struck me as the type to stalk, bully or harass others. I mean, yes, we played a few jokes on the trolls way back when, but I mean stalking to the degree the others have. She’s just not the kind to contact or follow anyone who makes it clear they want nothing to do with her. And I don’t! 

So then how do we have mutual friends? I’m not a friend of any of her friends. I never will be either. They’re all batshit crazy. Perhaps the only reason I could see them is that I’m the one who posted them, after all.