I’m thrilled to say I haven’t had a shred of anxiety since yesterday afternoon. Words can’t express how immensely relieved I am to get back to myself. It almost felt like life as I knew it was over and like I’d never get back to normal. Those 4 days of hell (God I hate that number with all the evil that seems to be associated with it) were just awful. I’d rather the bees come back and torment me. That was a different kind of scary. One where it’s scary but you know your life isn’t in danger. With the accidental OD, I just didn’t know what to expect. 

I’m still going to mention the ADHD and anxiety to the doctor, though she may already know about the ADHD, and she does know I’ve had PTS before. It would be nice to have not a psych pill that you take daily, but for something when you’re going through super traumatic/stressful events. They gave me Xanax at the dentist after that county quack put a complex on me by making pulling that back molar a nightmare and a half. But I got over the dental block and now I’m getting over the levothyroxine block. I took the pill this morning and did the breathing techniques I read about online to help keep me calm and haven’t had any problems since I took it over 3 hours ago. This makes me think Tom was probably right and it was all anxiety I was suffering and not side effects. 

I’m still just a little fatigued since I’m still not eating as much being that it was such a truly traumatic ordeal it really took a lot out of me. Sometimes it takes a few days to spring back. They listed more symptoms I’ve had than they did for levothyroxine side effects and symptoms of an impending heart attack. Even the neck pain was listed. 

So anyway, I read up on anxiety and how it can come on either consciously or subconsciously, but you can’t necessarily will it not to come on. Still, I chanted to myself over and over again, “I will NOT be anxious, I will NOT be anxious.” I feel like a bit of a wimp, but I also know it isn’t my fault and that people don’t ask for shit like this. Makes me feel like an idiot when I’d tell anxious people to “just not worry about it.” If it were that simple no one would have anxiety or panic attacks. 

Aly put a smile on my face when she responded to my telling her on Ask last night that I was sorry she was having it rough. She had been wondering how I was doing and said she hadn’t read my blog cuz it’s easier that way, but knows the frustration of having conditions you can only treat but not cure. 

Later… 

As I’ve mentioned before, I had my moments where I questioned if my dumping Alison was the right thing to do, and yes, I will use her first name. First names are harmless, and she claims she no longer reads my blog anyway. During a moment of boredom, I Googled her Twitter and Ask username, suspecting she created a Thoughts blog with that name and she did. I couldn’t read it all because that site is notoriously fucked up. It’s why I won’t blog there. There are always, always glitches, login issues, etc. 

What influenced my final decision to let go for good and helped confirm that walking away is in fact doing the right thing was basically how she won’t take responsibility for lying to me. She basically blames me and says “It's refreshing not to be friends with someone who takes even the slightest thing and makes a big deal out of it.” 

Lying’s no big deal? Come on! Who the hell does she think she’s kidding? Then it’s on and on about how alienated and ignored she supposedly feels and how much that hurts yet I have done nothing but reach out to her and wait days, sometimes weeks, to hear back from her. One can only do so much, and well, what more did she want me (and others) to do? 

Then she said, “Yeah, I do miss your creativity and your honesty, but I will never miss...you know what? I'm not going to finish that statement. I don't like thinking badly of people, even when I have every reason to. Perhaps it's our ages and life experiences that made things end the way they did.” 

Wrong, Aly. They turned out the way they did because you LIED to me. Get it? You lied. L-I-E-D. Again, it isn’t that I have a problem with her deciding who she wants to be friends with; it’s that she lied about it. So if she has a problem with me having a problem with her lying to me when I asked if she’d heard from the trolls, then I’ll find it just as refreshing not to be her friend. You lie, you lose people. Period. So if she wants to be “hurt” over being ignored, maybe she’ll think about why she’s ignored, and then maybe she’ll stop bullshitting the ones that do keep in touch with her and that wait weeks to hear back from her. 

I know the crazier a person is the more she’s drawn to them and the more she wants to keep in touch with them, and while I may not be perfect, I don’t have the types of mental health issues Kim and Molly have to make me all that appealing to someone like her. She obviously prefers them unstable, and that’s fine. That’s her right. But I DO see lying as a big deal. This wasn’t like when you ask someone how they are and they say “fine” when they’re really not quite all that fine. 

That really pissed me off when she told me she couldn’t think of an answer that was less than bitchy when I first contacted her on Ask, acting as if I were the bad one and I was the one that lied. What the fuck did she expect? I couldn’t believe it when I saw that. I was like, “Whoa, you want to be bitchy when you’re the one that lied?” I’ve been there for her, I’ve been honest, I’ve waited on her while she had her fun keeping in regular contact with the crazies… well, no more! 

If she thinks I’m such a bitch for calling her out on her lies, wait till Molly takes a shit fit on her for not answering her texts in just 5 minutes, and wait till Kim dumps her for calling her out on one of her impersonation games or something like that. If she wants to go round and round with the same old cycle of shit, she can go right ahead. Me? I’d rather remove myself from such toxic, juvenile crap. 

So if she finds it more “refreshing” to not be friends with one who calls her out on her own lies vs. one who wishes her cancer will kill her, so be it. 

Do I think she’s fed the others info about me? Probably not, though at this point I don’t care if she did. Do I think she’s hacked sites on her own time? I don’t know. Do I hate her? Definitely not. But I don’t do liars, no matter how big or small the lie may be. A lie is a lie. Period. And if you can lie about one thing, you can lie about other things. I also don’t want to get swept up in any potential drama from the crazies she loves so much. The connection to them is simply too close if I remain friends with her, which is no doubt why she lied to me about patching things up with them again. Everyone I’ve ever met through her has been crazy. Just batshit fucking crazy. These people are always dumping and creating new accounts too, like they’re running from something. I’m sure they’re up to no good and I don’t want to get involved. 

Well, they can all have each other. I’ll miss her good points, but the trust is gone. When you can’t even admit your mistakes and you blame the person you lied to by making it as if they’re the ones who did wrong, I want nothing to do with you. Even if she took responsibility and apologized to me right now, how could I be sure she wouldn’t lie in the future? I couldn’t, so she can rest assured that I won’t be looking in on her blog anymore or any other account of hers like Ask or Twitter. We’re done. Period. 

Later… 

Sometimes I wish Andy worked outside of the house for 8 hours and slept 8 hours most nights too, so I wouldn’t feel obligated to play the Ask game as much with him, but it seems very few people are like Tom. They may sleep around 8 hours or so but so many people are home so much of the time. It’s amazing that the average household income is 50k these days. But how? How are they getting the money if they’re always home? Either way, Andy did get two new clients recently so maybe that’ll keep him busier. 

I saw a horrifying video the day I OD’d which Becky, a VH sister shared. She shouldn’t have, and I hate that these things are allowed online for anyone to see. I’m so sorry I saw it. The images will be forever ingrained in my brain. Maybe that also fed my anxiety. IDK, but I do know that Muslims are sicker than sick. Their game is to force Christians to convert to Muslims and then behead them. 

I can’t imagine the utter terror of knowing I was about to get my head cut off! Ugh!!! How was the guy who was about to die able to even speak when they forced him to repeat after them (those in charge of this barbaric and sadistic execution) when “converting” him? I’d have passed out with utter fear. Yet he knelt down and spoke steadily enough in Arabic (there were English captions and as they killed him they chanted “There is only one God!). If I knew I was going to be murdered simply for what I believed, I’d be less than cooperative. They probably threatened his family if he didn’t comply. 

Anyway, it was disgusting. It was sick. It was INHUMANE. Muslims aren’t human, they’re animals. Nothing but sick, twisted and positively insane animals. I don’t understand how this can be legal anywhere. You think this shit happened hundreds of years ago, but that’s wrong. It’s happening right now in 2014. How can another person’s beliefs drive someone to such gruesome insanity? Regardless of why the Muzzie decapitated the guy’s head, how could they have the stomach to do it and how could they sleep at night without nightmares, guilt or remorse of any kind? I just don’t get that. I know doctors open people up and operate on their guts, but this was no operation to help someone during which they were rendered unconscious. This was an animal disguised as a human that inflicted an unimaginable amount of pain and terror on a fully conscious human being. 

And all because of what he believed.