Although fewer women are having children as the pressure to work, work, work hangs heavy on both genders these days, the population is rising. We’re living longer, fewer babies are dying, and medicine is advancing fast. But the office staff of these doctors who are keeping us alive is growing more and more incompetent, confused and disorganized by the minute! 

I am so damn frustrated with these secretaries, office administrators, or whatever the hell you want to call them, that I’m damn near ready to forget about dealing with my female problems which I’m almost positive can’t be that serious anyway as annoying as it can be, and maybe drop the ear doctor, too. I’ll keep the dentist cuz that’s simple enough to deal with, and I have to keep the eye doctor cuz I need to see, and lastly, I must continue the thyroid medication so I don’t have a heart attack, a stroke, go into a coma, or gain 100 pounds. Those are all easy enough to deal with because it’s just one doctor I’m dealing with for just one thing and pretty straightforward. But when you’ve got a handful of problems and you’re dealing with a network of doctors, physician’s assistants and stupid office staff, it becomes both confusing and frustrating. 

We scheduled my external biopsy, as they call it, online. Then at the end of the day, I get a message asking what I want it for! Shouldn’t these people know that? Really, they should keep better records! They should know who I am, who my doctors are, and what they’ve ordered. Every fucking time Tom calls for me (which he sometimes does because he drives me) they act like they don’t know anything about it, can’t find any records, or like they don’t believe him. Why must it be so hard to call these offices and tell them that such and such a doctor ordered such and such an exam or treatment? They should be able to pull this info right up! 

I’m just fed up with dealing with doctors, doctors and more doctors! All these appointments are so damn hard on me with my sleep disorder, and even if I didn’t have sleep issues, I feel like the doctors’ offices have become almost like a second home and that’s no way to live. Sometimes the best way to deal with something is to pull back and not deal at all. And so I will pick and choose which of all these fucking health issues I now have to deal with I should continue dealing with, and which ones I should put on the back burner for now. 

Like do I really need a hearing test, for example? I work at home. Who cares how well I can hear the landscapers and the home improvement/repairs jobs I thought we were done with for the year. Some concrete company was at one of the neighbor’s houses, pounding away at something. I wonder if that’s what Bob and Jim were referring to when they were out walking. I saw them stop and turn around and point in the direction of that house like something was wrong there. I’m sure they’ll be back today, whatever it is. No one’s renovations or repairs seem to take just one day. 

Anyway, I’m tired today. I only slept about 6 hours. First time I slept straight through, though. When I awoke I remembered a dream of me sitting behind the wheel of an RV that was running. Tom was napping behind me somewhere. I sat there copying notes from a bunch of scrap pieces of paper. I then turned the motor off and Tom asked me what I was doing. I told him I didn’t see any point in leaving it running because it was going to take a while to get all the notes copied. 

Later… 

Why do bad things happen? Why do good things happen? Do I believe we’re really never given more than we can handle? I’ve been asked these age-old questions lately, and well, I don’t know why bad/good things happen to us. If there is a God up there of any kind, why did it feel I deserved to grow up with abuse and then be given a husband who loves me unconditionally and has never complained or tried to change a damn thing about me? 

As for us never being given more than we can handle, well, I personally find this a bit of a naïve and gullible belief, but that’s just me. I understand the need some people have to tell themselves this as a means of convincing themselves that everything will be alright and they can handle anything, blah, blah, blah. But as far as I’m concerned, we’re all going to be given more than we can handle someday that will kill us all. It may be cancer, it may be heart disease, but sooner or later something will break us down for good. 

Why do I have all these health issues and doctor appointments all of a sudden? Tell me that. Then again, it’s really a no-brainer. These issues have been festering for years. I just didn’t have the insurance to deal with it till a couple of years ago. I just hope it ends soon! Meanwhile, my biopsy is on for the 16th and my ultrasound for the 17th. I have a bad feeling, though, that these appointments will lead to yet MORE appointments and that once they finally figure out what the hell’s wrong with me it won’t be a simple matter of calling in a prescription to cure it. 

These secretaries really make me want to rub their faces in a cheese grater at times, though. It’s going to be rough on my schedule but I think I can nail both appointments easily enough. I’ll eat less and that’ll make me sluggish and thus help me fall asleep easier at night. Trying to keep a schedule long-term may be out of the question, but being short on sleep for a few days won’t kill me. Being tired during the appointments may actually be a good thing if it helps me to relax more easily. 

We think the neighbor’s retaining wall must’ve broken and that’s why concrete workers have been over there. I just hope this project doesn’t take too many days.