“Boy, my boobies are really getting their sag on lately,” I said to Tom earlier. 

“Yes, you’re losing weight,” he said, “That’s what happens.” 

Oh, yeah, that’s right. I forgot about that and how the skin takes time to tighten up and all that. It’s been years since I was able to lose weight. Only now it’s coming off more due to whatever’s causing this anxiety than from diet and exercise. My appetite may not be what it usually is but I’m still eating enough and I’ve had very little exercise. Too afraid to do anything to elevate a heart that’s already elevated enough. Not until I find out for sure what’s going on. So… 10 down, 20 to go, yet I’d take it all back if it meant no longer feeling so yucky half the time. 

The endo doc didn’t blow me off after all. Don’t know why it took her two days to get back to me, but I’m going in for blood work today. I may not know the results till next week, though. 

The racy heart and upset stomach are coming and going. I had a fairly decent day yesterday and went to bed relatively calm. I never needed a chill pill. But then I awoke 5 hours into my sleep with a racing heart and upset stomach. I battled that on and off for a while and then dozed on and off till 3am when I woke up again with a racy heart. Since then it’s been an on-and-off thing. I don’t want to chill pill it if I can help it because I don’t want to feel drowsy. 

*wipes tears of frustration from eyes* I just want to get back to myself and feel like my old self again!!! At first I thought it was anxiety, but now I’m leaning toward the medication. After the biopsy was completed and the test results were good, the anxiety went on and again and I still say it’s not like me to be anxious without a good reason. Even when I last had reason to be anxious I don’t remember feeling this ill this often. I know that stress and anxiety aren’t quite the same thing, but still, I know myself, too. I can be pissed and even moody when things are going well, but sad, mad, scared, anxious or suicidal usually needs a damn good reason. 

I hope it is just a case of the medication needing adjusting because that would be simple and the quickest, easiest thing to deal with. Since there’s nothing physiologically wrong with me that could cause this and if it’s not the meds, that could only leave something deep and dark harboring in my subconscious that’s triggering this. If it’s me causing this and if this is coming from my head, then this is a new thing for me. I’ve had my so-called blocks and complexes the same as anyone else, but this is a bit large scale for me. I just can’t imagine what could be going on in my subconscious to make me feel like this. Our savings is low, our garbage disposal is busted, but life is otherwise fine. 

But what do I do if it turns out it’s not the meds? I guess I get on a more permanent chill pill for a while and maybe even return to the counselor. I just want to figure it out – whatever it is – so I can fix it! If it’s wearing my favorite color… fine, I’ll stop wearing it!