I’ve had a really shitty night. And scary, too. I’ve considered myself agnostic for the longest time, but now I’m swinging more towards being an atheist. What sane, loving God wouldn’t care to help one in such a shitty situation? Yet I was totally on my own. Tom did what he could, but I’ve come to realize more so than ever that the notion of this loving God we can run to for help is pure and utter bullshit. Just a fantasy too many people fall for. I don’t doubt that those “answered” prayers would’ve happened anyway. It just pisses the shit out of me that whether or not there’s a God that’s hated me since I was a baby or absolutely no God at all, this is what I get for trying to be a decent, honest person in life. One problem after another. 

Tom said he can’t speak for before we met, but he insists there’s nothing up there that’s got it in for me. Nothing at all. Well, I sure feel like I’m being picked on, alright, and all my requests for help have gone ignored. It’s going to be 100% up to me to figure it out. 

*sighs* So what can I do? I guess all I can do is acknowledge and accept that there’s nothing up there, and that if there is, it doesn’t give a shit about me. My childhood has proven that so why would things change now? I’m nothing in any possible God’s eyes and only the doctors, my husband and myself can help me pull through these random anxiety attacks that seem to jump out and hit me out of nowhere. 

Right now I’m too tired to get into many details, but I’ll just say it hit me during my bike ride for the first time ever. When working out my heartbeat typically goes to 130, but when I came in it was 161. It was utterly terrifying. *sighs again* So now I’m afraid to work out. I’m afraid to do anything. As my experience and research have shown there are certain triggers – anger, fear, excitement, physical exertion, etc. I just never know when it’s going to sneak up on me. Sometimes it can hit you when you’re just sitting in a chair or lying down. 

Right now I’m too tired to stay up, but not ready for sleep. I’d hate to go in and lay down until I’m sure I can sleep. If I don’t keep my mind on things like writing, reading, watching TV – something – my mind starts to take me places I don’t want to go and my heartbeat quickly follows. 

Later… 

Still alive after yesterday’s scary 161 that my heart reached when an anxiety attack hit me during a bike ride. It was just horrible. It literally felt like the damn thing was beating in my throat. I lay down and tried my breathing exercises. When that didn’t work I took a lorazepam. Still terrified, I woke Tom up. As much as he insists it’s ok to wake him up when things get that bad, I still feel bad about it. I am, however, greatly appreciative of how he was able to help calm me down along with the lorazepam. 

I’m just not sure what to do yet. I don’t want to spend more money on health issues but may have to do if these attacks don’t ebb away in a few weeks or so. I try to keep busy. I don't want to ignore my problems any more than I want to dwell on them. I'm PMSing now, which doesn't help my mood. What's scary is knowing an anxiety attack can hit me anytime, anywhere, no matter what I'm doing, thinking or feeling. Your life doesn’t have to be in shambles to have this, and no, telling yourself to “just smile” and “just look on the bright side,” won’t always work. You can’t consciously make an attack come on or prevent them from coming on. They have a mind of their own. The key is learning to cope with them and it’s been anything but easy. I wondered to Tom the other day why my anxiety wasn’t this physical (though it was still bad enough) when we were going through the hell we went through a few years ago, and he said it was because he was home with me back then. That’s true, he was. Now he’s working full-time, as usual. 

For now, I just try to keep my mind occupied on things like writing, working and doing stuff around the house. If I don't, every horrible "what if" will go through my mind and drive me crazy, along with wondering if my heart seems faster than it was just minutes ago. That’s another thing I asked Tom – how come my heart didn’t go ballistic in any abnormal way when I nearly ran into that skunk that night when I was on foot? He said I wasn’t obsessed with my heartbeat like I am now. Yeah, he’s probably right, LOL, as usual. Oh, I was startled, mind you, and my heartbeat did speed up. But once I put a safe distance between the skunk and I and saw it wasn’t going to chase me or anything like that, I calmed down. I didn’t panic and feel like I may pass out and like the world was going to end and I was drowning in quicksand or anything extraordinary like that. 

Right now I feel a bit anxious and down, but nothing too serious. My endo doc asked me questions I thought I already answered when she was away, so I explained the situation a little more clearly to her. 

Right now I'm worried more for Tammy. The disease has spread to her muscles, nerves and organs. They’re doing a CAT scan to check her organs and an extensive breathing test, but I don’t know if there’s much more they could do for her even if she quit smoking right now.