I still have moments where I consider reaching out to Aly. I could email her and I could probably find her latest Ask account through the trolls before it too, is deleted. 

But then I remember the lies and the possible drama that could come out of it if I did. I just don’t know what to do at times. Wait and see if she contacts me? I wouldn’t mind playing the 20 Questions game with her and maybe even the others if I knew no craziness and drama could come from it. Could Aly be honest? Could Kim be just Kim? Could Molly not make a million demands? 

I don’t know what to do like I said. I miss Aly’s goodness, but don’t want to end up regretting anything. If I followed my heart, I’d consider joining in the fun. If I followed my head, I’d stay away. I have other friends who have caused me a helluva lot less grief and I know I should focus on them. Aly hasn’t caused me nearly as much grief as the others, but when one is connected to ticking time bombs, it’s not always good to get too close in case those bombs actually do explode. People change, though, so maybe the bombs have been diffused a bit over time. 

Later… 

Part of me kind of regrets removing old journals from Blogger. Maybe I’ll replace them some other time. 

Today was the best for me since last week’s catastrophe. Tom picked up the lorazepam after work. Really, REALLY wish I’d had it a week ago! It says to take it every 12 hours as needed, but hopefully, it will be so long before I feel such intense anxiety that the stuff will be old and expired. Then again, I hope I never feel that again. It was awful and it made everything else seem awful, too. I was suddenly hyper-aware of every single ache and pain I felt. Things I would normally ignore were suddenly a big deal and the little things in life seemed even smaller.

The nurse that took me into the exam room said she too, has had anxiety, and that it’s actually pretty common. I described the symptoms – heart beating hard and fast, dizziness like you’re going to pass out, shortness of breath, upset stomach… She’s experienced it all as well and agrees it’s frustrating cuz you can’t control it. It’s a little easier to get it to back off than it is to prevent it altogether. Fortunately, though, I spent more time worrying that I’d get hit with an attack today than getting anything, though I didn’t actually worry that much. Not now that the appointment is over and I discussed things with the doctor and all that. 

Meanwhile, I called one of the counselors on the list and left a message. She returned my call saying she didn’t accept my insurance plan. Then why was she on the list they gave me? 

My heartbeat sped up to 127 last night after listening to loud music through headphones, but it quickly settled down and I didn’t have any other symptoms with it. Loud music does elevate the heart. 

Did some ab exercises earlier and went around the block a few times on my bike. I’m gradually working back up into my usual fitness routine. It may be a few more days before I make it around the whole park. I don’t want to elevate my heart too much right now because it’s been beyond elevated for nearly a week. It needs some calm time. 

Not much else going on. I won a stupid soccer ball and Nane kidnapped me in this dream I had where I went to visit her. She liked my company so much that she wouldn’t let me leave, LOL. 

Oh, and I reactivated my old Ask account just to see what comes in, if anything, after all this time.