Sometimes I still miss Aly. She had so much more good in her than bad that letting go isn't always very easy. I’d say I only let go about 75%. Letting go 100% may be what’s best, but it’s not what’s easiest. 

I miss her creative, intelligent side. We had a ton of stuff in common from writing to languages and a lot more. I realize there are many worse things to lie about than who we’re friends with, as she knows she did, and that lying about this doesn’t automatically mean she can lie about bigger things, but that’s basically what I had a problem with. I know she has a right to pick and choose her own friends and that the reason she lied to me about them was that I knew I wouldn’t approve. They’ve stalked us both in the past and well, I worried they would push her to dump her and then stalk and harass her all over again. I also know that I can’t expect to babysit her either. She’s a big girl and she’s got to look out for herself. If being friends with them again turns out to be a mistake, it's her mistake to make, isn’t it? 

Between the 3 of them, they haven’t caused me any harm, but they did cause me a lot of grief, and I don’t know how involved she may’ve been in some pranks that were pulled on me a while back, one in which nearly caused me to blame and dump an innocent friend. There are also the things she seemed to know that she shouldn’t have known, but had the know-how to figure out, if that makes any sense. Back when I wasn’t completely innocent myself and would pull some pranks, somebody somewhere knew damn well it was me when they shouldn’t have. I don’t want to accuse anyone of hacking into sites that may not have done so, but they KNEW. Come on, I wasn’t nearly that obvious and I don’t care how smart she or anyone else may be. Someone had to have some sort of advanced tracking or hacking system. What about the time Kathy and I anonymously played with Molly on the old MyOpera? The anonymous person then suddenly said, “You now have two people playing with you. Shall I contact you to let you know what’s going on?” 

Ok, so HOW did they know it when Kathy started in??? And if they did hack sites like MO and Ask, how did they do it and remain undetected? Could someone have been hacking our individual IP accounts to see where we’d been??? I just don’t get it. All I know is that whoever it was, they knew it was me when I was alone, and they knew two people were ranking on Molly once Kathy joined in. 

Afterward, I felt bad about it no matter who knew what, for I was just as bad as the trolls themselves by stooping to their level. I vowed never to repeat my behavior. I may look in on some people from time to time, but I remain silent. Drama breeds drama, so I know good and well that if I make a nasty comment to someone instead of holding my tongue, karma will just bite me in the ass for it. It’s not worth it. Besides, I don’t hate Molly. I hate what she did to me long ago, but I don’t hate her. Never thought I’d say this but it does seem that she’s improved over time. She doesn’t look in on my blogs very often. I don’t know how she’d react if she were dumped, but she hasn’t been a problem in quite a while now. Little concerned, though, why her mother would care to look in on me. 

Sometimes I wish I was one of those who could suffer in silence, but what good would that do me to suppress my problems? The only way to get help is to let others know, not to mention the fact that writing about them is very therapeutic. I just don’t want to bring others down with me or make them think I’m out for attention. Then again, if I have, then they obviously don’t know me well, and well, that’s their problem. Not mine. 

Still… this whole thing with the anxiety has been making me feel both courageous and weak if that makes any sense.