I’m now the best I’ve been since the accidental OD, but last night got a little scary. Earlier, I was doing a paid survey around lunchtime when my heart started racing and I got that jittery feeling, but fortunately that didn’t even last a minute. When Tom got in I felt even better. By 6pm I noticed I’d been up nearly 16 hours (16-18 is normal for me) and so I got into bed and read for a while. That’s when the trouble began, and as much as I may feel like an idiot and a bit of a wimp, I’m glad to say that it was almost certainly an anxiety attack and nothing else. But I didn’t know this at the time. I ended up being up for 22 hours and was questioning every ache, cramp and pain I felt. Many diseases can have the same set of symptoms. I had pains in my neck, my chest, and an upset stomach. These can not only be leftover effects from the double dose, but they can also be anxiety or signs of an impending heart attack. 

My fear and frustration were so great that I woke Tom up. I felt horrible. He felt confident it wasn’t my heart and admitted that while I may have problems in the future, the recent cardiogram didn’t show any signs of trouble, and knowing me, I was likely having a panic attack due to my fear of what may happen when taking the Levo again. Feeling physically drained and in a state of panic also made me feel depressed, hopeless and helpless. It worst night I’ve had since being here, even though Tom reminded me that people deal with insomnia all the time, I’d be ok, nothing bad would happen when I next took my medication, etc. Still, I was a basket case. I tossed and turned in bed, my mind raced, my heart raced, I felt short of breath, I had bouts of crying, and it was just like OMFG! This is NOT like me. Of course Tom had to laugh later on and say, “Yes it is. Nothing’s ever just a little bad for you. It’s a horrible, huge kind of bad,” not that he doesn’t understand how truly terrifying the OD effects were on me, and agrees anyone would be scared. 

When I was in tears I was saying how wonderful our lives had been for years until all these health problems came to ruin it, and he hugged me and assured me it was just two minor issues that millions of people have. When I’m calm I can totally agree with him, although there are many other nuisances I have to deal with along with the thyroid and cholesterol – my ear, eyes, teeth, female stuff – and this can really add up and seem overwhelming when you’re feeling shitty. Little things seem like big things when you’re either upset, sick or both. 

So after a truly torturous night of realizing I was almost as stressed out as I’d sometimes be back in the trailer (really, I don’t know what’s worse at times, financial or health problems), I fell asleep, and as Tom suggested, managed to fight the urge to take something to help me sleep like a melatonin or a Benadryl. I was surprised to sleep just 6 hours and not 10, but as he pointed out, taking stuff was probably what was messing my sleep up. Had I taken something I probably would’ve woken up more often along the way (I only awoke once during the night), and I would’ve slept longer. This way I got just the amount of sleep my body needed. 

So it was 6:30, Tom was already up, and I felt tired. Worse, my heart was racing in anticipation of taking that dreaded levothyroxine, but I knew sooner or later I needed to take it. I will cover that in my next post, but obviously, it didn’t kill me since I’m able to type this one. :) 

Later… 

Due to the combination of me being sick and so on edge, Tom stayed home from work. He has tons of vacation time but I still feel a touch guilty even though he assures me it’s fine. Yeah, but the company barbecue was today and he could’ve won something nice in the raffles they’re having, but… *shrugs* what’s done is done. It was just not a good day for me to be left alone. I knew that the only thing that would make me feel better was to let enough time pass so that the effects of the OD could wear off, and seeing that I could take my meds again without something horrible happening, and I wasn’t about to do that alone. I am not only grateful as hell to him for being so caring but that he has such great benefits at work, especially when it comes to time off. It’s a lot like they have in Europe. I was also glad for once that I didn’t have an outside job. Despite all that’s gone on I haven’t missed much work since I can work at home. 

Tom was telling me about his oldest brother Raymond (now dead) who was in the roofing business. He fell off a building something like 40 feet and damaged his neurological system. He also broke some bones, and one of his feet was so damaged the bones were basically like powder. They made a mold the same size as his foot to replace them with. Well, one day his heartbeat reached 200 and a doctor and a nurse each injected a medication into one of his arms (I don’t know the name of it) at the same time. This slowed his heart down to normal in seconds. Now THAT must have been utterly terrifying! 

Anyway, I got up, relieved to find him home and glad I wouldn’t have to finish my recovery alone. I knew that by Monday when he returned to work I’d either be completely over what happened, or something was seriously wrong with me and I’d end up in the hospital. 

My oxygen level was good when I got up, but my heartbeat was 135 and I felt both tired and nervous. He reminded me that it’s normal for our heartbeats to be elevated upon waking up as the adrenaline shoots through the body to get everything going again. 

Since my stomach was empty which is how it’s supposed to be when taking Levo, I took it and hoped for the best, all the while he sat with me and assured me that I was taking something natural to the body and simply replacing what my body stopped producing on its own. Passing the 10-minute marker without incident (which is about when I had the bad reaction after stupidly taking a second pill) had me relieved as hell. My heartbeat dropped to 85 and I practically felt like a whole new person. So yeah, I did definitely OD, and yeah, I was experiencing anxiety last night, worried about a freak chance of it being an allergic reaction I had, even though that’s almost impossible. 

I had no idea I was doing this shit in my sleep, reaching for pills to place on the shelf and all that. It reminded me of this notebook I used to keep by my bed in the other place to record dreams upon waking me up. A few times I awoke to find the notebook on the floor and pages torn from it and strewn about the bedroom floor. I was like, WTF? Well, I’ve never been known to sleepwalk, but from now on no more pills but the usual over-the-counter stuff that’s always been there will be on the headboard shelf. 

I had a peach yogurt, perked up fast, and then enjoyed a little retail therapy at Walmart. Those simple pleasures in life suddenly seemed divine and I splurged on tons of new wax melts for my warmer so I’d have plenty of variety. The only ones I wish I had were patchouli and something with grape and lavender. I can find those on Amazon no doubt. What I have here will last me a year! It’s a great alternative to candles and incense. It’s even better than plug-ins and sprays because those don’t have such a huge variety or last as long. You also get so much less for so much more money that way. 

Anyway, it’s just so great to be feeling so much better. I’m really starting to feel like my old self and I even did some ab exercises earlier. Tomorrow if I don’t get back on my bike I will at least hit the pool. We’ll see how Tom’s ear feels. One of his ears is blocked with wax and we’re pouring a mix of alcohol and peroxide in it to help it. He’s had this before and this remedy has always worked. It just takes some time. 

In recent dreams, I was at a reunion with my Valleyhead sisters. We all hugged each other at one point and I said, “Ich liebe meine Schwestern” (I love my sisters). 

Then my bike was in the living room in another dream and it turned into a motorcycle as I was walking it out the front door. 

For scented wax cubes I got: 

Brownie Pecan Pie

Butterscotch Maple Cream

Buttery Shortbread

Calypso Sands

Chai Tea

Cherry Berry

Coffee Cake Swirl

Cucumber Melon

Cupcake

Fresh Air

Ginger Peach

Ice Raspberry Sangria

Illusion

Kiwi Watermelon

Mountain Twilight

Orchid Paradise

Papagayo Beach

Perfect Summer Day

Pure White Woods

Sugared Pecans

Sweet Pea

Tea Thyme

Tropical Plumeria Petals

Tropical Fiesta

Vanilla Caramel Spice

Vanilla Woods

Vintage Lace

Warm Apple Pie

White Suede Driftwood

Wild Berry Cheesecake

Wild Blueberry Pie

Wild Woodland Blooms 

Later… 

Last night I had a soft-hearted moment of sorts and let Aly know that while I was pissed, it was hard to stay mad at her forever. She knows how I feel. She can be friends with whoever she wants and go through as much shit as she wants with people. It’s her life. But I don’t trust her the way I once did because I have no way to know for sure what info she’s divulged or anything else she may’ve done that involved me. I still think overall she’s as good of a person as she is smart. But we can’t truly know someone, especially if we never met them. 

Instead of answering the message on Ask, she did so on Twitter. Not sure why, but that’s ok. I deactivated that particular Ask account again because I so rarely use it. 

She let me know she misses me too, and I realized that sometimes it’s best to just miss someone than to take risks where they’re concerned. 

Planter’s salted caramel peanuts are to die for, so I learned today when I spotted them at the store. I usually don’t like salty foods, but these are like wow! 

Also, the Vintage Lace is the best of the wax melts. Reminds me of White Shoulders perfume and that old Bump & Grind incense I used to get.