Feeling better after yesterday’s scare from hell on our 1-year anniversary in this house, but still a bit shaken up emotionally. It’s a bit hard to focus. 

Just to clarify things, I didn’t go to the hospital yesterday. The paramedics took my BP and hooked my heart up to a cardiogram to be sure no signs of a heart attack were present. We also have one of those finger monitors that tells you what your oxygen and pulse are and even when I felt a bit breathy I was still at 99% oxygen. My heart was a little over 100 and now it’s down in the 80s. I naturally have a rapid heartbeat, but over 100 is a bit much unless I’m doing something strenuous. 

A horrible thought hit me and that’s that there’s the slim possibility I didn’t double dose myself and the first pill I took was actually a melatonin, but I don’t think so. Gosh, I hope that wasn’t the case! If it is then that would mean I had a serious allergic reaction all of a sudden to the Levo and it will happen again. Tom doesn’t think it will, though, and he thinks I did indeed accidentally go double-dosing. 

I felt awful all day yesterday but when Tom got home that calmed my nerves quite a bit. I am so grateful for him. I’d be lost without him. Some things you just want to be left alone to deal with, but this wasn’t one of them. This wasn’t a simple cold or anything like that that was familiar to me and that I knew was totally harmless. He felt bad he wasn’t home when the nightmare happened. The whole thing not only made the little things in life seem like nothing, but it made me realize I could never live without him. Makes me wonder how I survived those pre-Tom years alone! I was young and healthy then, though I did smoke and had some scary asthma attacks. Life was harder but simpler then, especially when it came to dealing with doctors. Now so many things are so complicated and while I may be better at languages and writing than he is, he’s much smarter with other things that are hard for me to figure out and deal with. While I still hate my mother and make no excuses for the things she did when she was alive, I can see where she wouldn’t have wanted to take her medication in the end after dad died, and why she just let herself wither away. 

I almost wished they had given me a shot of anti-anxiety medication and sent a counselor to hang out with me till Tom got in, that's how bad my stress was. Sometimes the fear and stress that goes with the actual physical problem can be just as bad, if not worse. One minute I'd be thinking I might be feeling better, the next I’d just want to cry. I have lived with constant everyday fear of dying and it's getting old. The older I get the more fearful of this I become, especially after what happened in 2007 and 2011. I've become such a worrywart. I fear us growing old and dying alone. I'd hate to be the one to go first and leave him all alone, yet I'd hate to see him die and be alone myself knowing I couldn't live without him but fearing I might not have the guts to kill myself as much as I know I couldn’t go on alone. I don't see how I could handle all these doctors and medical issues alone these days. Especially with no car and all the sleep issues I have which only makes things harder. 

I tell myself to quit worrying about getting old or developing any serious illnesses until we actually get there. Even Tom tells me this. But it's easier said than done at times. He also says our future actually looks brighter than ever and we're only going to be old for a small part of our lives. True, but each moment you're suffering from whatever you’re suffering from feels like an eternity. I just do NOT handle stress well. There's no denying that much. When the shit hits the fan I'm the basket case from hell. 

Tom speculates I might've actually had HYPERthyroidism 20 years ago cuz I used to be hyper, get a racy heart at times, and could eat all I wanted and not gain weight. Then I gradually went from hyperthyroidism to HYPOthyroidism. This kind of does make sense when you think about it, so he might be right. What’s scaring me is the thought of ever taking the Levo again. I’m not taking anything at all today and when I do take it next, I’ll make sure Tom’s home. For now, I’ve emailed my doctors to let them know what happened and to see if they have any advice for me. 

Anyway, I slept 7 hours and of course I woke up a couple of times along the way. I thought I’d sleep 8-10 hours after being run through the wringer. Everything hurt. My head hurt, my eyes felt like sand had been thrown in them, and my chest muscles ached like hell. I’m still tired and a bit down, but better physically. Going through something like this suddenly makes everything in both the present and future seem so bleak, scary and hopeless. 

Lost 6 pounds in less than a week. I should be thrilled. Instead, I’m not giving a shit after what happened. I’d be bigger than a football field before I went through that again! 

It was nice to hear from friends and family online. I appreciate them for caring. :) 

Later… 

Next door just took off for their second trip of the day. More cataract surgery? Nah, it was just Bob. Unless it’s his turn for that. After what I went through I almost welcomed any neighborhood distractions. I usually love my space and work best on my own, but I just did NOT want to be alone. Today I actually like knowing I’m surrounded by houses instead of isolated in the woods, as funny as that may sound. I mean, what can they do for me, right? Sissy or not, that’s how I am at times. 

I sent messages to both my PCP doctor and my endo doc. Another doctor replied saying my PCP was out today and would hold that message for me, and that I may have taken a double dose. Yeah, that’s what I’m still leaning toward as opposed to thinking I grabbed the melatonin at 1am, took a Levo at 6am, then had an allergic reaction. Even Tom stressed that he doubted I’d suddenly react to a normal dose like that after all these weeks. 

I guess it’s that time for all the doctors of NorCal to be on vacation, cuz now it turns out that my endo doc’s out, too. They said I shouldn't necessarily have an allergic reaction to the levothyroxine. Some people are allergic to the fillers that hold the medication together. For now, try it tomorrow and see how I feel. If it happens again, let them know. 

It better not happen again! I can’t go through that shit again. I really can’t. As a few friends and followers were saying, once the hard starts pumping wildly, it causes you to panic and that makes it worse. When I’m feeling ok it's easy to think of the possibility of dying and say, "Well, if I die I at least made it home first and it's not like I'm really young or anything like that." But that attitude changes very quickly when you’re suddenly faced with a crisis and that survival instinct automatically kicks in. 

It sucks either way. I don’t want to take this medication ever again but I have to or else I will eventually die and feel like shit until I do. 

For now, I’m just immensely relieved to be feeling better, though I’m taking it real easy. No working out or cleaning or anything. This is the first time in a long time I will go 3 days without working out. I think tomorrow I can get back on that bike, though. 

The paramedic who said it’d boost my metabolism wasn’t kidding. When I could finally walk into the kitchen and grab a bite to eat and some water to keep from being dehydrated since I was having the runs, I did a little test. When my metabolism was at its deadest a lousy cup of coffee could put half a pound to a pound on me. After a 30-calorie kiddy smoothie yesterday the scale hadn’t budged either way. Not long afterward it dropped half a pound. 

I read that the Levo (and Tammy confirmed this) can cause headaches, insomnia, swelling, nausea, and the runs. Fortunately, I haven’t had any nausea. 

Yesterday I wished I could go back to complaining about any noise as that suddenly seemed like nothing when I felt as shitty as I felt yesterday. But now that I can it’s quiet and the bricklayer is gone. I knew he’d be back, though, to work on that retaining wall. Nobody can get their home repairs done in just a day around here. Nobody. 

Later… 

A part of me misses Alison, but I realize that as much as I’ll miss her good points, I have to remember and consider that dishonest side of hers and the suspicions I’ve had about her possibly hacking into some sites and even accounts of mine. These suspicions are probably unfounded, but they’re there. And no matter how much she may try to reassure me she hasn’t given info about me to the nutjobs she so prefers to hang with, how can I know that’s true? If she can give me info, why not them? Ok, so I know we don’t always tell the same people the same things, but still. 

I remember a while back she said – on Facebook, I think it was – how she wished she’d feel less ignored and hear from people more often. I thought this was strange because on every site we were connected on – Facebook, Twitter, etc. – she’d often go days and sometimes weeks without checking in. Now I know why. Because I wasn’t as crazy as she would prefer. If I was on disability and had MPD, or if I was in some home for the mentally fucked in the head and wrote about wanting to kill my parents in their sleep and all kinds of other crazy shit, THEN I’d be fun and interesting to keep in touch with more often. 

But hey, you can’t make someone like or not like something or someone. They are the way they are, so I just have to respect that and back off. Especially since the trust has been shattered. One of the two traits that drew me to her and had me eventually consider her one of my best online friends ever was her intelligence and her honesty. Ah, but she was also dishonest and friendships must be based on trust. If you don’t have that, what do you have? 

It’s strange that one as smart as she is would be drawn to those not right in the head. Usually, people like her want others like her while the crazies feed off of the crazies. Sure, her two favorite nuts surely have their good points and for a split, crazy, totally irrational second I actually considered joining not just her but all 3 of them. But I’m smart enough to know that the shit will eventually hit the fan and I don’t want to be caught up in all that drama and insanity again and the never-ending cycle of bullshit from her friends. I’ve finally broken free of that and I want to keep it this way. They will be kind and sweet one minute and then the next they do something to drive you away and then punish you for walking away by stalking and pestering you to no end. No thanks! Molly was nosing around in my blog yesterday.

But yeah, I do kinda miss her. She may have had her problems but she was real and I loved her intelligence and creative flair. Maybe I should’ve shrugged off what I learned and said, “Eh, no one’s perfect.” But it’s not like she failed to tell me she got a case of the hiccups or anything. She failed to tell me she’s tight with a couple of batshit crazy fuckers that could know anything and everything about me. Ok, so that can be argued too, since they don’t have any sensitive info about me. Not unless people know more about me than I think they do. But let’s say the nutjobs have my address. What are they going to do with it? Show up at my door and beat me up? 

For now, I’ll miss her, I’ll wonder about her, but I will not be so closely connected to any madness, not that she’d necessarily welcome me back after dumping her anyway. 

She’s telling Kim on both Twitter and Ask that she’s asked the same questions over and over again. She still doesn’t get it. Kim’s not just Kim. It’s each of her personalities asking and she obviously doesn’t realize this any more than Kim does. 

Next door just returned from their third trip and I can tell this isn’t it because they parked in the carport and not the garage. I think that unless they’re dead or as sick as I was yesterday, this is the way they’ll always be, in and out. Except for Sundays, though, where they may only go out once.