I’m still not sure what to do where Aly is concerned. First I thought of how she said she couldn’t come up with an answer to my question on Ask that wasn’t at least slightly bitchy, and was like, WTF? You lie to me and then you think you could only give me a bitchy answer as if I were the bad guy? Screw that! 

Then I think it’s pointless to be all pissed off about such petty stuff since there was so much more good in her than bad. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I just don’t. I think that for now, I have enough on my plate. I still feel kinda crappy at times and I have that and my upcoming appointments to deal with. And like I said before, I’ll miss her at times but I don’t want to get caught up in any drama she’s connected to. I wish her the best, including with the upcoming job hunt which I guess may be part of why she’s buddied up with past trouble; to keep them from badmouthing her in a way Google would take note of. Whatever, though. I mean that’s for her to worry about and not me. For now, I won’t say I’ll never ever talk to her again because never is a long time. Maybe someday when I’m feeling better for longer than half a day. I know I told her not to contact me, but truthfully, I don’t care if she reaches out to me or not. I won’t ignore her or anything like that. Right now I’m just really worried about my health. I’m not in the proper frame of mind to deal with other things right now. 

I’m still having waves of what Tom is pretty sure is anxiety. I talked to Tammy and they both think it’s connected to anxiety, but Tammy also thinks the levothyroxine could have a part in it. However, Tom doesn’t think it’d be likely for me to get side effects this late in the game but admits he’s no expert and can’t know for sure. He’s leaning toward anxiety alone because of the traumatic experience I went through, my upcoming appointments playing on my mind, plus the fact that I’ve pretty much always been an anxious person. 

It really does suck. I’ll feel like I’m jittery or like my heart’s racing even though I can hold my hands steady and my heartbeat isn’t that high, and then I’ll feel sort of lightheaded and have to run and go poo-poo. 

Tammy was once on Xanax for anxiety where she was jittery, couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t turn her mind off. She thinks that even if I’m feeling better when I see the doctor on Wednesday, I should still address the ADHD/anxiety and see what I can take for it. After what the Navane did to me and how dependent I got upon it, I hate to turn to any drugs to cope, but I realize things have changed since the 80s, and this is no way to live. It’s a horrible, miserable feeling. I’d take a whole damn pharmacy of pills if it’ll make me feel better. 

So what do I think? Anxiety is probably for sure, but I don’t know about the levothyroxine at this point. The symptoms are right on, but again, many different conditions/problems can have the same set of symptoms. 

I just want to feel like my old self again! This is scary, frustrating and even a bit depressing. Worst I’ve felt since moving here. I want the happier me back whose biggest worry was listening to those annoying landscaping sounds or having PMS. I try to take Tom and Tammy's advice and remind myself that nothing I’m going through is life-threatening, and there’s no sense in worrying about things I can’t control like when I get stressed out over what-ifs. What if Tom gets killed in a car accident? What if we go broke again? All those what-ifs and the thought of growing old, us having no one to help us, dying… I’m trying to put it all out of my mind but it’s sometimes easier said than done. 

In happier news, I got a huge stuffed realistic Saint Bernard at the Goodwill store today and Tom got this remote-controlled robot that he wants to program to do different things with. He loves doing things like that. The dog is so huge I spotted it from the other end of the store. At first I thought it was a border collie but nope. 

I also won him a T-shirt. That’s better than nothing, but I miss winning big! 

And now I feel just fine again. It comes and it goes, comes and goes.