Did a perimeter run again and was fine. Good things happen when you don’t take your thyroid meds. Instead of your heart blowing up, your gut, hips and ass do instead. 

I was a bit chilly starting off. Remember, I’m moving so fast through the air, especially going downhill. I warmed up a bit after I got going. Better to be too chilly than too warm when working out. It won’t have a damn bit of effect on my weight at this time, but it’s still fun and keeps me in shape. Keeps the muscles strong and gives me the endurance to do physical tasks without getting breathless. 

The Sitara wax burner I got for the bedroom is beautiful. It glows softly without being blinding and bright like the Pink Lemonade burner in the living room. It takes longer to melt the wax, though, probably because the metal dish is thicker than the glass one, and is hotter to the touch for if I want to change scents. I used to be an avid incense burner but I burned the last stick that I’ll ever burn in this house in the bedroom earlier. I quit incense cuz it makes the same mess cigarette smoke makes. 

I chilled pilled at 9:30 before my ride and it seemed to help with that “lump” in the throat I sometimes get. IDK, maybe I need to be on this permanently at least for a while. I hope I sleep better next time around. Last time I was up forever and kept waking up constantly. It seemed I couldn’t stay asleep more than 20-30 minutes at a time. 

Love my Nude, Rude and Tattooed figurine that’s almost like a mini statue. She’s pretty big at 10” long and very heavy. I thought her hair was a bit dull so I put glitter nail polish over it. She’s a touch yellowy-orange, though. Is her liver failing? 

Had a dream I was in hotels with both Nane and Hot Doc, though it was two separate dreams. I don’t remember anything Nane and I said or did, but Sexy Smile was sicker than a dog. I probably put a sick spell on her for thinking I need a therapist instead of something that treats my disease without making me feel like I’m going to die, haha, not that I’m not a bit on the anxious side. No doubt about that. 

Later… 

Went riding for the fitness part of my regimen and am now trying not to put the calories into my body that it can’t burn without thyroid medicine. 

The only thing that bugs me about being ok with something is knowing I could change my mind later on down the road and that doing anything about it at that time may not be an option. What I mean is, just because I’m ok with being fat right now… what if I change my mind a year or two from now and decide it’s not ok? Well, let’s hope I don’t since I’m unable to stand the doses high enough to get my body to respond to dieting and therefore I’d be shit outa luck. 

Someone asked me if I thought it was possible that deep down within my subconscious I may not just be ok with being big but actually like it, and I was like, how the hell am I supposed to know? That’s why we call it “subconscious,” right? Because we don’t know what’s in it. 

On a conscious level, it’s not important right now. All that’s important is getting on a medication that will not only stop me from gaining, but that will treat my disease as a whole. Yes, the thought of feeling differently and changing my mind in the future bugs me, but as others love to remind me, why worry about what may or may not happen in the future until and if it does? 

Ok, so there is some good in being big and ugly. It keeps perverts away, that’s for sure. But I don’t think I’m subconsciously “thinking big” as opposed to not worrying about being skinny. At my age, you realize there’s more to life than that. Furthermore, when we’re older and married our priorities aren’t what they were in our 20s and single. Lastly, with hypothyroidism, you don’t have to “think big.” You ARE big. I’m just trying to stay fat big instead of obese big. :) 

I’m also trying to fight this fungal rash that doesn’t seem to want to let up, though the doctor did say it could take 6 weeks to kill. I was really dismayed to find a couple of red dots under one armpit earlier. Please let it just be irritation and not fungus! I swear I will never ever stop using the antibacterial body wash ever again no matter how much it dries my skin out! My lotion will help counteract that to a degree, though. I can’t believe I have this shit in such a dry climate, but working out does cause me to sweat. Guess I wasn’t drying off afterward as much as I thought I was. At least I don’t sweat as much on the bike as I did when I was running because I’m going so fast through the air that it’s like having a giant fan on me. 

Doing my nails before a ride is a great time to do them because then my hands will just be sitting on the handlebars for a good 20 minutes or so. I have such nice, naturally long nails, but they can be a pain in the ass at times.