Here’s a health/work update. Tom has not only decided to put his foot down at work and work maybe an hour overtime instead of the ridiculous 10-11 hours he’s been working, but we’re putting our foot down where Sutter’s concerned, too. We’re definitely going to get a new endo (this may take months), and I’m not sure right now if I’m going to keep my PCP, good-looking or not. She’s super nice as well as attractive, but the more Tom and I thought about some of the things she’s said, the more we agree it’s just ridiculous. As Tom said, “They want you to take something for your thyroid, then something for your cholesterol, then something (psych pills) so you can take those pills while you live in a fog… that’s just ridiculous. You may have a phobia to overcome, but you’ve coped without psych pills in the 20 years I’ve known you. You’re not crazy.” 

While there’s absolutely nothing wrong at all with taking something here and there to help ease our anxiety during those super rough moments, do I really want to go back in time, take something daily that I would eventually get dependent on and suffer yet more side effects, some of which could be permanent like tardive dyskinesia? Hardly! Yes, the thought of returning to medication scares me a bit thanks to the levothyroxine’s side effects, but as he said, I’m not crazy. Weird? Eccentric? Strange? You bet. Most people definitely don’t paint their hallways hot pink or have naked body sculptures hanging from their walls, and I’d say the chances of them keeping a journal for 28 years straight and ranging anywhere from familiar to fluent in 8 languages isn’t very good. So yeah, there’s a touch of uniqueness to me. But crazy? Not likely, even if I may feel like I’m losing it at times when the shit really hits the fan in life. I know right from wrong (even if I don’t always make the best choices in life), and there are never any voices in my head telling me to kill the first person I see wearing bright yellow because then I’ll get to live happily ever after in some magical kingdom in the afterlife or some crazy shit like that. I imagine, I fantasize, but I don’t actually believe the shit I conjure up in my head or in my stories. So if having a phobia that I can and will overcome in time after having a very traumatic experience that most people probably couldn’t understand until they went through it too, renders me a case of at least temporary insanity, then so be it. 

My PCP isn’t the main reason why we want to drop Sutter and get a different medical group that hopefully – HOPEFULLY – will be more competent and helpful to my particular needs. I’ve always been prone to side effects and in most cases, I can’t take adult doses. Yes, we want an endo that will do what’s best for ME and not lump me into a group of “norms” I don’t fit into, but we want to be able to contact doctors and make appointments without the fucking all-day runaround. The question is, do good doctors, along with an organized and competent staff, actually exist anywhere? It seems there are so many quack doctors out there. Like as many as there are corrupt cops. It’s scary and sad to know this, too. 

There are doctors who can hopefully treat my thyroid with natural remedies or maybe at least mostly natural remedies like a certain type of diet, and that’s what I’m hoping to find. I’m already doing what I can to help keep my cholesterol down by avoiding red meats, eggs and stuff like that. 

Tom actually was able to get through and talk to someone who gave him information that would help us hunt for what we’re hoping will be both an endocrinologist and a PCP all in one. The only problem is that the good doctors are usually the ones that aren’t accepting new patients while the bad ones are so overbooked. I’m tired of so many doctors not being able to see me for months unless it’s urgent. Why the fuck do they take on so many patients then? 

As Tom said, we were too nice, especially with Doc Sexy, when we should’ve put our foot down at least with some of the things she was saying. It really bothers me that THREE so-called experts kept telling me to keep up the 75mcg when I knew damn well that dose was too much for me. I never had 4 years or more of medical school yet I knew it. That’s the problem with so many of these damn doctors; they don’t get that we sometimes know our own bodies better than anyone else. The extreme anxiety I was experiencing with the booming, racing heart, intense negative emotions, and feeling of panic and suffocation was NOT normal for me in my worst of times. Why would it be in my best of times? I think doctors need to be willing to work with their patients and meet them halfway, within reason, the same as auto mechanics, waitresses and people of other fields do, instead of one of you being so all or nothing. 

My pulse has come way down since stopping the levothyroxine. I was astonished to find it only in the 70s and 80s instead of the 90s or higher, though it was in the 120s when I got off my bike, as is reasonable. 

Tom said he’s not going to worry anymore about taking time off from work when I need to deal with doctors and if they don’t like it, tough shit. “But what if they fire you?” I had asked him, and he basically said, “Tough. If they don’t like it I’ll go work somewhere else and we’ll sue the crap out of them.” 

Well, I did promise myself after I got screwed in Arizona that that would be the LAST time I didn’t fight back. I could’ve fought back yet I just let them fuck me over and that pisses me off almost as much as what they did to me. Eh, just something I have to live with, though I certainly have learned from it. As I told God, one day you’re going to let someone fuck us over that not even You can protect. We’d prefer not to get shit on, of course, but if we ever are, we WILL fight back. In fact, they better hope we can sue them cuz if we can’t, well, then they’re really shit outa luck cuz we’ll move onto Plan B and that would be so, so much worse for them. I doubt it will come to that, though, with any place he could ever work or any doctor we could ever see. We hope not! 

On the bright side, if we do drop Sutter I can send a friend request to Dr. C (don’t know that she’d accept it) and kill Dr. D in my stories as many times as I want to. 

Later… 

I was going to use LiveJournal as my main blog because it cross-posts to Facebook and Twitter easier, but then I decided not to. I don’t want to have to go around and change blog links on various profiles. 

I had such a fun and relaxing day today. Why can’t I feel this good every day? My only complaint is that the ingrown toenail I had removed a while back may be on its way back. The doc said this might happen, too. Fucking figures. 

Tom and I went bike riding and I was too fast for him (I set the pace and he follows me). The poor guy felt like he might puke when we got back. We went 2.1 miles in 14 minutes. Our fastest speed was 22 MPH with our average being 8 MPH. Wow, I didn’t think I ever went over 15 MPH if even that! That’s gotta be going down the steepest section at the beginning of my route. I love flying down that rollercoaster and just letting the bike take me down the hill. I told him that next time he can go slower if he needs to. I can always double back for him, LOL. His wife may be fat as hell and always will be cuz she loves to pig out on weekends, but she sure is in better shape! 

I realized that my metabolism has gotta be moving at least somewhat. First of all, if it was totally dead, I would be dead, too. Secondly, on days I don’t eat more than 1000 calories, I do find my weight is down the next day. I make up for it on weekends, though. 

We didn’t go to the casino. We’ll go tomorrow. Instead, we went to Kmart. It may not be as crowded as Walmart, but those screaming brats are everywhere! 

He got a couple of things for the Wii and I got a regular pillow said to be good for tummy sleepers. I love my memory foam pillow but I’ve been waking up with a stiff neck lately. The memory foam pillow is really only good for when I’m lying on my side. But since I like to fall asleep on my stomach, the regular pillow is good for that. Tom actually got this pillow at Walmart when he went grocery shopping earlier. 

I sprayed on perfume testers as I always like to do and got some vanilla body mist for a buck. 

I got Pumpkin wax cube melts as well as Stressless for a total of $4. 

I got two pairs of Joe Boxer slippers. One pair would’ve been fine, but they were selling them in doubles for $10, so I got a pink and black checkered pair and one in solid black. 

Got a calendar with the last 4 months of this year, plus all of next. I checked out the tropical pics, but thought they all looked the same. I didn’t want mutts, horses or religious shit, so I got cats. I think that was just $5 instead of the usual $10. 

The best thing was the hair clip I got for just $5. It was the same one they tried to sell me in Hawaii for $20 with these stretchy beads with combs at the sides. I don’t know what they’re called, but I love it! Putting my hair up has never felt more comfortable whereas barrettes tend to allow the hairs to pull in certain areas. This holds it up more evenly as if a hand was holding it in place. I almost didn’t get it, but I’m glad I did, even though the beads are just plain black. That was the only color they had, but since it’s behind my head I can’t see it anyway. 

Got a dazzling Barbie in a hot pink mermaid gown, as they call it, with silver accents. My first full-sized Barbie in a long time.