I was both surprised and disappointed to be feeling a little depressed earlier. Funky period or not, shouldn’t I be over that shit? Lingering or permanent effects of the levothyroxine? The stress of the health/medicine/doctor thing as a whole? Something else? It makes no sense that I would feel depressed, empty and like I’m going nowhere in life at this time, so I don’t know what to think. My life is fine other than the medical drama. Been a bit anxious and shit-happy, too. It seems that between my wacky period, my racing heart and my emotions, the levothyroxine really messed up my body. If not, then what did? My boobs are still a bit sore and my weight’s up a few pounds. Again I think the only way to ever lose it is the old-fashioned way – not eating. Other than sluggishness and hunger, it has no side effects and doesn’t cost what Nutrisystem costs. 

We considered having me try a supplement called selenium but decided to wait for now. Also, I was dismayed to learn that Armour may actually be more likely to cause your heart to race. 

I am at a serious crossroads right now where my health is concerned and have to make some decisions as far as whether or not to continue on with the same doctors. Tom did more research and found that my endo doc didn’t test for T3 like she should have, but only for T4. Also, the TSH numbers are basically worthless. I guess the levothyroxine converts T4 to T3 and the Armour converts it from T3 to T4. The point, as he pointed out, is to treat the symptoms. Why treat me so aggressively if a percentage of my thyroid still actually works? Again, I didn’t go to a doctor because I was sleeping 15 hours a day but because I wanted to know why I couldn’t lose weight. I didn’t realize the hair and memory loss, as well as other smaller symptoms, were a sign of hypothyroidism. 

I was thinking of how Tom pointed out that doctors are extra careful and eager to send you to specialists to avoid lawsuits and all that. He said that if I mention chest pain she’ll send me to a cardiologist and it’s frustrating because I don’t want to not mention something that could be more important than I realize, but I don’t want to be given the runaround at our expense all for nothing. I appreciate and understand that they want to cover their asses, but it’s tough cuz it makes me unsure of what I should and shouldn’t mention. 

I’m just as torn between getting new doctors and keeping the ones I’ve got. Sometimes you can fuck up a drawing enough that it’s worth tossing aside and starting anew and maybe we should do that with these doctors, but then again, I wonder if they’d all be the same no matter how I presented myself to them. I just worry that both docs have the wrong idea about me and that Dr. C thinks I’m anxious every minute of every day while Dr. D wouldn’t be willing to work with me. I wonder if she’s as knowledgeable as I first thought. I just wonder if I made the wrong impression and spoke in ways I shouldn’t have, putting unnecessary emphasis on things that weren’t as big an issue as they may’ve sounded and vice versa. I also worry that neither of them realizes just how much of an impact the levothyroxine had on me vs. external anxieties. Regardless of what either of them thinks, I worry I may be untreatable if everything I take gives me side effects. I had no problem on 50 mcg but what if I do now? And what if no doctor will agree with that dose? 

There may be a slight pro to dumping Dr. C, the one I’ve become totally hot for, though it’s a long shot. If we’re no longer doctor and patient, I could send her an invite on Facebook. Can’t imagine she’d add me, though you never know. I probably have very little chance of that or even of keeping in touch here and there by email, so I’m hoping I can still see her but maybe get rid of Dr. D. 

Later… 

Had to take a chill pill cuz I’ve been feeling a bit anxious on and off all night. My heart was averaging at just over 100 (it was as high as 112-115) and now it’s in the low 90s, and again I’m not sure why. Leftover levothyroxine effects? Just worrying about the whole damn thing? Both? I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever get back to the old me. 

Molly’s using Aly to blog for her on Thoughts since she’s been restricted from doing so at Marbridge. I guess she texts them to Aly and then she posts them for her. I see familiar patterns here. Molly may care about Aly in her own way but she’s using her, once again, and making demands of her. Even in her blog, she asks if she’s around and to please help make Josh stop stalking her. I guess he’s not taking “no” for an answer and has texted, called and harassed both her and her mother online. Hmm… maybe karma really does get some of those that have screwed me. Maybe at least those that have screwed me in the smaller way that she has as opposed to the black bitch down south. Still, I couldn’t help but smile when I read that the stalker is now being stalked. 

God help us both, though, should Aly dump her and Kim yet again. Both of them would no doubt make our online lives a bit hellish, and of course Mommy Dearest will have to set her wonderful example and be sure to join in at some point, too. 

No! I refuse to ever take that shit from them again. Even if it means having to go to them and stop them myself. 

Later… 

To give any newcomers a quick update – I went through weeks of hell with side effects from my thyroid medication, which gave me the heart-pounding anxiety from hell. It was very intense both physically and emotionally and so I stopped the meds. Not sure what’s going to happen next, but the traumatic experience has put a block on me as far as taking anything at all goes and even working out. I had an attack when I was working out one time and it was absolutely terrifying. So to elevate my heart when it either already was elevated or could become elevated was a scary thought. I knew, however, that I had to finally conquer my fear of working out now that I was off the meds. I mean really working out and not just making a few rounds on my bike around the block. 

“You can do this!” I told myself over and over. “Your heart is not going to explode in your chest!” Trying and failing to succeed at conquering something I’ve tried multiple times to conquer, or some whole new fear like bungee jumping is one thing. But doing something I’ve done a million times before without incident is another. So off I went in the dark of night around the park’s perimeters, all by myself. I only passed two vehicles along the way. Came back with a pulse of 133, as it should be for the type of terrain I covered, and it dropped quickly. Yes! But will I be able to treat my disease free of side effects and able to go riding without feeling like my heart’s gonna jump outa my chest? I hope so! 

Later… 

Our barstool cushions arrived and they’re definitely more comfortable to sit on as opposed to the hard wood. 

Two nights ago I dreamed of losing one of the rats through the floor in a large building somewhere. Funny I should dream that too, as I awoke to find I’d left their door unlatched. If anyone came out exploring, they went back home afterward. Right now they’re having a blast playing with the paper packing our stuff was shipped in. Insanely annoying, but making me smile at seeing just how much fun they’re having. 

Last night I dreamed of receiving a voice message from Officer Palma of all people. She filled me in on how her life has been over the years and said to give her a call, only there was no number to call. It also seemed like 5 or 6 years had gone by since I last saw the hottie and not 14. I wonder how she’s been all these years? I wonder about several of the officers I used to know, actually. 

Decided to partake in some of the activities at the clubhouse more often and start meeting more people around me. Not because of what society thinks is “correct” or “normal,” but just because I want to. The only sucky thing is that I’d have to do most of it by myself. Oh, I’m far from shy or anything like that, but it would be nice to take Tom along. The problem is that during the daytime he’s working, and he has to crash early in the evening, making it nearly impossible for him unless it was the weekend. The weekend, however, is mostly reserved for doing fun stuff together and going out. Tom would gladly tag along if he could, even if he’d rather just relax in peace after 10 hours of dealing with nothing but non-stop people all day long. Oh well. The guy’s not going to be working forever. His 70th birthday really will arrive someday! 

I don’t intend to be a major social butterfly because that’s just not me. No matter who you are, no matter what you look like, I still like to do things on my own, and I need my solitude when working on the job site, writing stories, etc. I’d also prefer to clean the house when only I’m in it. But I definitely feel more comfortable meeting other people my age who are respectable homeowners than a bunch of 20-something renters who can cause all kinds of headaches. Furthermore, I may not be perfect, but I feel I’ve matured quite a bit over the years and so I prefer to hang with more refined and mature people that are also older. Not so mature that they don’t know how to laugh and lack a sense of humor, but not so immature either, that they speak and act like college kids. 

They don’t have to be carbon copies of myself. I have no problem with those that are different than me or that are into things I don’t get or can’t relate to. I just don’t want the high school kind of drama that mainstream apartments tend to be filled with is all I’m saying. On the other hand, befriending a 95-year-old with Alzheimer’s may not be the best thing for me either, LOL. I’m usually a good judge of character, though, so one of these days I will expand my social horizons within the park when I find the time and some activity that may actually interest me. Embroidery groups? I don’t think so. Bingo? Yeah, I could go for that. :) 

I don’t expect perfection in people, but older people are less likely to cause problems or do drugs, and are more likely to be secure with who/what they are. I like a guy whose top priority in life isn’t how many beers he can hold down in one night, and I like a woman who knows there’s more to life than getting thin and pretty. The best part is knowing it’s all up to me. If I decide I don’t like someone in particular, I can just not have anything to do with them.