I would have beaten my wake-up goal had it not been for a loud-assed truck waking me up, but I at least made my goal. Wish I could snap my fingers and have it be the 23rd! Not just because I’m excited to see Andy, but because having to maneuver my schedule for as many things as I’ve had to for a while now is very hard on my body. I need to stay up till around 11am if I’m going to make tonight’s goal. That’ll be hard. I’ll pump some caffeine into me later and will hope for the best. 

Another thing that’s still hard on me for reasons I don’t get is that damn bike. The plan was to ride 2 miles around the circle, which would be 10 rounds. After just 4 rounds, though, I had to stop because my heart was booming. My God, WTF is wrong with me?!?! The doctor said I could do 30 minutes 5x a week yet I had to stop after just 10 minutes of riding around the circle, which is almost flat. WTF?! How/why did I become so weak and out of shape all of a sudden? I could feel every muscle in my legs pushing and straining. The gear wheel hasn’t arrived yet. Really hope that helps! 

I've been in the same 5-pound weight range for half a decade now and have tried to be as consistent as I can with keeping moving except for when I felt REALLY shitty, yet it feels like I haven't worked out in years. :( The only difference is that I didn't panic this time around when my heart took off at airplane speed, now that I know and understand a little bit about how the heart works and how it stops beating when it’s having an attack instead of beating fast. 

That burning that occurred in my throat after the ride was as baffling, frustrating and alarming as the booming heart. Like my thyroid was leaking acid or some shit. I’ve had this type of burning sensation before, too. 

After I rested a while I did 5-10 minutes of a mix of light jogging on the treadmill and strength training exercises for the arms, legs and abs, including those killer wall sits. Of course I could only “sit” for about 20 seconds. :( 

Later… 

Tom replaced the plastic ceiling panels in the kitchen and the ceiling looks sooo much better! I’m glad one of us is tall too, LOL. 

He also got me some awesome birthday presents on Amazon, even though it’s still a few weeks away. Another one of those awesome erotic wall sculptures, Faith Hill’s Soul2Soul Vintage perfume, and a pink sequined dress for one of my Adora dolls. He definitely spoiled me big time. :) 

Decided to do two 25k-word stories instead of one 50k-word story. Story #1 is done! It is called The Other Side of the Nightmare. Next up is reworking my abandoned manuscript for River of Implications, which I outlined in 2010! 

Had a weird dream last night where Tom and I were at a beach called High Wave Beach because the waves were very “high” and would crash upon the shores. You had to be careful not to get too close to the shore of this particular beach or else the waves would literally swallow you up. 

Then I dreamed that Nancy, the bitch from jail that threatened me, was staying with us. As always, our house didn’t look like it really does. Before she fell asleep on our living room couch she ate some candy bars and then asked where the two were that I had. I just shrugged and said I didn’t know because I knew she’d want them. Tom didn’t pick up, though, and instead he said something about them being behind the door. So when she wasn’t looking, I found them behind some door and shoved them under some clothes in a dresser drawer. 

Later on, she was asleep on the couch and I was up fretting over her and how much I wanted her to leave. I was afraid of her, though, and didn’t have the guts to order her out. I also didn’t want her to know I was going to go to Tom about getting rid of her, so I had a dilemma to make. I would be asleep by the time he got up, so I could either wake him up to kick her out at the present moment, or I could leave him a note ordering her to leave. I decided to write a note, but every time I started to write, the words would blur into each other. 

Later… 

Andy and I discussed his memory issues, which have been OMG HORRIBLE. I’ve noticed it this past year especially. He said he told his mother two years ago that he thinks he’s losing his memory, but she doesn’t seem to think so. I told him to tell her that with all due respect, YES he is! Really, it’s been scary bad. I think she had moved to CA by the time it really started getting bad, and no, I don’t think he’s playing with me. God, I hope not. Not sure which would be worse in that case, having a friend deliberately annoy me (in which case they wouldn’t be a true friend), or having something be wrong with him. 

It’s been terrible, though. As soon as I got up I checked in with him and told him I would’ve beat my wake-up goal had it not been for being woken up by that truck, but that I did at least make the goal (and I told him what that goal was just yesterday). A short while later I get, “Did you just get up? I thought you’d still be sleeping,” and I’m like, we just fucking went over that! 

This is becoming a regular everyday thing with him and I constantly have to explain and remind him of things over and over and over again. I told him not to hesitate to mention it to his doctor and reminded him that most people choose polite over blunt. I’d be willing to bet others have noticed it too, but haven’t said so, just like most people wouldn’t admit to someone that they were fat. But we’re close enough to be honest with each other, and I interact with him enough to see there’s a definite problem. But only he can either ignore it or look into it. I can only point out what I see on my end. 

Later… 

Having a rather rough night tonight. First my heart booms during my workout. Then my throat burns. Then I feel a bit gloomy, especially after reading that entry about the grandmother suffering as she dies of cancer. Now I’m lightheaded as hell, short of breath, and sick of being alone so much of the time. 

Sometimes I wonder if the levothyroxine permanently fucked me up and if I’ll ever feel better again whether I do or don’t take it. What if this is it? What if this will always be life as I’ll know it for the rest of my life? What if I never get better? I mean it’s great that I went a few weeks with no chill pill and it’s great that I didn’t panic when my heart was booming really bad on the bike, but where my heart should be filled with happiness and my head filled with good thoughts, I am instead filled with head rushes, booming hearts, burning throats, and emotionally off. 

I feel like everything’s reversed itself from when we were in Auburn. Where we were poor during most of the time in the trailer, now we’ve got money. Where I felt pretty healthy emotionally and physically, now I don’t. Where Tom was a constant presence, now I rarely see him. Unless we’re both on days during weekends, I never see him during the week. If I’m on nights during the week, he’s sleeping. If I’m on days during the week, he’s working. I’m alone WAY too much. This is not helping my emotional state. It also serves as a reminder that I could never live alone like I once did many years ago. 

I’ve been alone since I got up just before 6pm. I’ll see my husband for a few hours this morning before I crash, most of which will be spent under his headphones watching movies. 

I don’t want to cry on his shoulder when I do see him, but I don’t want to keep things held in forever either. It only makes it worse when I do that.