The good doc’s friend count is still at 325 and there doesn’t seem to be any activity in her account since I sent my request. So for all I know she may not have checked in tonight. Can’t believe she’d skip the entire weekend, so if I’m not accepted by Monday, then I think it’s safe to assume the request probably never went through. Oh, how brief the hotties I meet in person are in my life! That can’t be a coincidence. It just can’t be. 

Gotta admit I’m kind of surprised I’ve gone this long without new trolls latching onto me, but I’m not worried about it. I know how to block those I can block and ignore those I can’t block. Definitely surprised, though. It seems to go hand in hand with blogging. 

Really hope my thyroid hasn’t become enlarged, as it can if left untreated too long. Treatment begins in about a week and a half (after Andy leaves so Tom can be here with me and I don’t have to deal with worrying about that while trying to enjoy my company). It just seems like there’s a tightness in my throat at times. I have an old turtleneck I wear when dying my hair and the last time I wore it, it felt noticeably tighter around my neck. Yet I’ve been in the same 5-pound weight range for about 5 years now. It seems more noticeable when I’m lying down. My new primary didn’t say anything, though, when she felt it, so maybe it’s just anxiety. 

Speaking of anxiety…although I had no racing heart, I ended up getting a bit anxious at the end of my day yesterday. I was up forever because I had a second cup of coffee toward the end of my day (I usually just have one when I get up) and between that and worrying if the damn gland was enlarging, I had to take a chill pill to calm down enough to finally get some sleep after being up 20 hours. At least I ended up getting up later than I planned to which will help prepare my schedule for Andy easier. 

I will be having lab work done soon and seeing my primary again in mid-February. An appointment with my new endocrinologist will be scheduled soon, but I’m sure it’ll take 2-6 months just to get in to see her/him. 

I’m psyched for my sister, even if I’m still not sure just what it is she’s doing. She mentioned something about training to become a victim’s advocate, then something about getting badges from the district attorney’s office and maybe sitting in with those who have committed felonies, misdemeanors or with juveniles. Again, I’m not sure what her role will be, but I’m guessing it has something to do with supporting victims of crime. I’m waiting to hear more details about it, but hey, if she can help make a difference in our corrupt and twisted system, more power to her. How the hell is she doing all this on disability, though? 

Later… 

Read a very sad and terrifying entry I almost wished I hadn’t read about a woman who watched her beloved grandmother suffer a horrible, horrible death from lung cancer. This was a woman who was totally devoted to God and all that. Loved and trusted the hell outa Him. But the granddaughter is now understandably pissed off at God for letting her suffer so horribly in the end. She said she was actually begging God to kill her as she struggled in pain, anxiety and fear in the final hours. As the granddaughter said, she suffered so much the last 15 years that she didn’t understand why He couldn’t just let her go peacefully in her sleep. Why did He have to put her through that one last time and what did she ever do to deserve that, etc.? I agree that the “God works in mysterious ways” line doesn’t cut it. Especially in such an extreme situation like that. Neither does the “Oh, He just has other plans for me” when one’s prayers are denied. I mean, what other plans? To suffer to death? Great plans! 

I won’t even get into the whole thing about how IF there really is a God He’s not always the nice guy people want to think he is, because people will refuse to believe what they simply don’t want to believe. That’s not the point right now. The point is that this is twenty-fucking-fourteen! Where the hell were the doctors and nurses during all this? You mean to tell me that with medicine as advanced as it is today they couldn’t have spared her all this misery?! If she was as wonderful as the granddaughter at least made her sound, then it pisses me off all the more to know how easy my own abusive shit of a mother had it in the end. 

Secondly, this is exactly what I fear the end has in store for me as well. I don’t know when, and it may not be lung cancer or any kind of cancer for that matter, but I’m afraid the bastard’s going to torment the shit out of me in the end much in the same manner. I’m sure He’ll think it’s really fucking funny, too. 

*sighs with confusion and frustration* Am I agnostic or atheist??? Well, as Dana would say either way; you’re not facing anything like that right now – today – this moment – so just focus on the here and now.