It has been a record-breaking two weeks now since I’ve had any anxiety and needed the lorazepam. Still nervous about meeting with my new doctor and more than nervous about returning to medication. That hanging over my head is no fun. I swear there might as well be an invisible person here shaking a pill bottle at me with an evil grin on their face, hell-bent on reminding me what I cannot escape forever. And what should happen when I try to eat less? Oh, just those damn head rushes again. 

Didn’t get to wake up in peace this morning. They really love to have their carpet cleaned around here. If I heard correctly, someone was getting theirs cleaned somewhere in back. Then I heard movement from Bob for about 45 minutes. Things were being banged and dragged around and then something metallic clanked to the ground. 

“Watch,” I said to myself, “next comes the sawing." And sure enough, the fucking thing started up not even one month since we had our little discussion about this. Pretty sure it was October 11th when he was last at it.

I figured the peace wouldn’t last long. Some people just don’t give a shit about others. I know most would say he has a right to do this and all that, but I still say it’s rude to be doing this shit with someone else’s wall just 15 feet away. I could still hear it loud and clear in the laundry room with the doors shut that’s how loud it is. Gotta have the fan and music on to drown it out completely. It didn’t last long, though. He did tell me he’d let me know when he’d be doing a lot of sawing. Well, I don’t know what his definition of “a lot of sawing” is, but I sure know mine and it isn’t much. 

Speaking of Bob, in one of last night’s dreams, Tom was doing some landscaping project that took several days and each day Bob would make a point of coming over to chat with him. Tom found it a bit annoying after a while because it was very distracting. In reality, Bob would never do that. He says hello when he passes by but that’s about it. He’s like us… friendly but not sociable. 

I also had a dream of swimming in an indoor pool somewhere that was chilly as hell. When I was at the deep end I looked down and saw tons of dirt on the bottom of it. 

Then I passed a tall younger woman somewhere who was wearing a top that was sexy as hell. I told her that if her hair wasn’t so damn short I may actually be turned on and she said, “You’ve known me 4 years and you’re just telling me that now?” 

Never cared for women with overly short hair. Some look good in it, but I think it detracts from a woman’s femininity in most cases. 

Later… 

Irene is so sweet and funny, LOL. We were chatting earlier and I filled her in on the basics of why Nane and I split up. There are some things, however, Nane told me that I promised to keep a secret and I will always do so even if I never hear from her again. 

She said she couldn’t believe our friendship was over forever. Yeah, sometimes it’s hard to believe that myself. We were quite close for 4 years, after all. But if it is, it is. 

What was funny is how she’s so sure we’ll get back together around January. Not because I don’t believe in psychics, as Irene’s said to be. Or maybe it’s not that she’s psychic, but I know she’s into the supernatural and all that. If it weren't for my own experiences with dream premonitions I'd probably call her verrükte and laugh my ass off at her, insisting that no one can know the unknown. Yet on and off in scattered patches, I seem to have an uncanny knack for doing just that... knowing the unknown. 

I don’t know what the future holds where Nane is concerned, but I’m ok with whatever’s meant to be. It will be interesting to see if she’s right, though! 

It was kind of ironic that Nane finally picked up my last message to her during my chat with Irene. Was Irene filling her in as we spoke? It’s ok if she was. Just noting the strange coincidence. 

Did a half-assed version of my usual bike route yesterday with Tom, making a point to walk uphill. My heart didn’t feel like it was going to jump out of my chest, but it was beating a bit hard. Tom assured me that was normal, it was beating the speed it needed to beat, he could tell by how I looked and sounded that I was ok, etc. 

And I was. I mean I didn’t feel bad or anything. I also realized, upon placing my hand on my chest, that my heart wasn’t beating much slower than the night I hit 161, so maybe Tom was right and I really did overdo my workout that night and was just extremely hyperaware. Going up these hills on a Cruiser is an incredibly fierce workout, in shape or not. It’s very, very hard to get a bike uphill with no gears. 

I was on levothyroxine the first time I had a “heart explosion,” so that could’ve raised my pulse a bit, plus I was having severe anxiety at the time as well. On or off medication, anxious or not, I don’t know that I’ll ever return to my old kick-ass, 2-mile route. I’m not a skinny kid anymore. I may just do the 1.5 miles and walk the bike up the steepest sections. It might be better that way anyway. We work different muscles when we ride vs. when we walk so this would give me some variety and work different muscle groups.