I wish I could say that 2015 was ending on a good note, but instead, it is ending on a horrible note. I am filled with fear, doubt, and worry galore and have made another appointment with Dr. L. 

My PCP is going to start me on Lexapro for my anxiety, which is persistent and intense nearly every day now. It is absolutely horrible. Had anyone told me that they could feel this way for no reason at all, I would have simply laughed. Any time I've ever felt emotional in the past it was for a specific reason and I understood what that reason was. That reason may have seemed very depressing and even a little scary, but it didn't seem nearly as terrifying and as hopeless as this does. 

To add to my anxiety, Doc A warned me that this drug does have side effects and that not everybody responds to it well. It can make my anxiety worse, she said for the first couple of weeks, including suicidal thoughts, and may take up to 4 weeks before I notice any difference if I can get that far without having to stop the medication and contact her. The thought of becoming any more anxious than I already am is utterly batshit terrifying! I think I would definitely end up in the looney bin for damn sure. 

The problem is I'm alone so damn much. I don't want Tom to throw away his job, though, and all he’s worked for (he just got an award of excellence), and ultimately risk us losing the house all because his wife has turned into a basket case. 

My PCP said anxiety is a medical disorder and from what I read it has to do with transmitters in the brain going awry. I guess we all have chemicals in the brain and mine’s putting out too much adrenaline or whatever it is that makes us feel panic and fear. Something like that, anyway. What the hell “broke” my brain, I don’t know, but SSRI drugs are supposed to block some of that. 

I am just so terrified of trying this new medication, yet I feel I have no choice. The lorazepam is only helping so much. I haven't slept through the night in ages without either waking up, with or without my heart racing. It’s been absolutely terrible. I'm so afraid that this is the new me and that I'm going to suffer from this for the rest of my life in which case, I don't think I can stand to do so. There are people who believe that if God leads you to it, then He’ll get you through it. Oh yeah? Well, God led that reporter to ISIS and He certainly didn't get him through it, did He? I'm smart enough to know that sometimes we really do get more than we can handle in life and 

I worry that this is going to be one of them. I also worry about the trip. I was first starting to think we should maybe cut the cruise part of the trip out and just see my sister in FL, but now I worry I may not even survive to do that much, I feel so bad. 

Last night, Tom got up from napping at 9pm (he managed to work today, though he is still very sick with what we now suspect was the flu and not a cold. I wondered as much just because of how draining it was on me). He was worried about me, knowing I’d be stressed. I cried on his shoulder for a while, and then emotionally I felt better (despite sleeping shitty) until around 6:00 this evening. An hour later I took my lorazepam. I couldn’t even get through my entire Bowflex routine with my heart racing. I then did Stacey’s breathing exercise, but if this is a medical issue and not something “eating” at me, then I don’t see how those will help much. I still do them anyway. She’s the expert and she told me to do them, so I “hit the floor on my tummy” for 10 minutes twice a day like a good girl. I’m not saying none of this is psychological. If it weren’t, then Tom’s presence wouldn’t calm me down. 

Ugh, I wish Tom were awake now as I just want to run into his arms! I want to run to my big sis, too. *wipes tears* But sometimes I fear I won’t survive long enough. She left me a message today and said a friend suggested contacting the media about our 24-year reunion, which was kinda funny. But we’ve always known about each other. The media’s more into stories about lost siblings, etc. that were separated when they were adopted or something like that. We couldn’t just tell the media, “Well, our mother was a bitch who pitted family members against other family members, our dad was spineless, and we all stopped talking for many years until they croaked.” 

Back to my pity party… I miss the old me so much! The one who hasn't been afraid to be alone since she was a kid. 

Tom looked online at the various SSRI medications, including the Prozac, which I had suicidal thoughts on and had to stop, and compared the chemical makeup of these different drugs. Prozac seems to have a little of everything, but Lexapro seems to have only a little of one thing and he believes it's the most promising in the mildest. She's only starting me on 5 milligrams. That doesn't mean I'm any less terrified. I have always been prone to side effects. 

Yet I have to do something. I am struggling with everything. Working out has become a struggle. Cleaning has become a struggle. Sleeping has become a struggle. Even writing has become a struggle. I'm sleeping much longer because my sleep is so disturbed. The only good in this is that I have lost a little weight since my appetite is down. 

If there is a God, and I highly doubt it, please let next year be better! Please bring me back to myself! My energetic, confident, secure self who may be a worrywart at times, and who may get angry and stressed out, but who is never afraid to be alone. Or just afraid for no apparent reason. Please let me survive 2016!