I wish I could say all is well, and that’s exactly what it would be if it weren’t for this anxiety, which has been horrible lately. I never would’ve thought one could feel so bad when their life was so good. My life isn’t any more perfect than the next person’s, and yes, it gets noisy here during the daytime, blah, blah, blah… but I have a beautiful home in a beautiful neighborhood, and I’m in relatively good health with a husband who loves me unconditionally. 

Yet here I sit, day after day, trying to figure out where all this anxiety is coming from. My endo said that since thyroid levels don’t change daily yet I’m not anxious every day, she doesn’t think it’s solely the medication, and Tom agrees with her. My gut’s initial reaction was to believe otherwise since I never had problems with this insane degree of anxiety till levothyroxine entered my life… BUT… then why did I go all those months without incident? Plus, according to my 2014 journal, I quit the levothyroxine on Aug. 23rd after they put me on 75s for the first time, and wasn’t restarted on 25s till Nov. 27th. Yet well into November, long after the stuff would have left my system, I was anxious here and there. 

Tom also wonders if something could suddenly be eating at my subconscious that Stacey can help me figure out, though I can’t imagine what. He said it could be something that happened to me 48 years ago for all we know. Oh, great. So with 50 years’ worth of experience, how do you figure that one out? Wouldn’t that be like trying to find a needle in a haystack if that’s the case? 

I don’t know what to think anymore. Why would something from my past, if that were the case, suddenly decide to eat at my subconscious and make me anxious and afraid to be alone? Tom says that with my history I’m a therapist’s goldmine to try to decipher and figure out. 

I keep going back and forth between the meds being the current cause, and what happened with the meds traumatizing me into carrying on the anxiety myself. But then why did I catch a few months of peace if I’m now anxious about how it once made me anxious? And if my labs never showed numbers that could produce such symptoms, as Doc O said, then why am I having them? Yes, I’ve been calm for months at a time on this dose, but I’ve had problems on this dose, too. If the meds and anxiety truly are unrelated, then the timing was a helluva coincidence, almost seemingly designed that way to confuse me even more. 

If it is the meds, then I would probably once again become tolerant to it over time like I did before just as long as we don’t go making any more changes. Nothing against Doc O, but trying me on 88s was a horrible idea in the end. It’s like it threw everything off. I’d just found the perfect balance and now everything’s been turned upside down, inside out. 

If it isn’t the meds, then we could be looking at any number of things. I mean there would be a million possibilities in that case. 

My symptoms vary. Sometimes I’ll feel anxious and my heart will race, and other times I’ll just feel anxious or my heart will just race. The emotional part of it is annoying and frustrating as hell, but when my heart gets in on the action, it becomes terrifying. No matter how much you tell yourself you won’t die and that it can’t kill you, you still want to run to someone in fear. 

Finally fed up, I messaged Doc A to ask what she could recommend for a daily regimen and how it may affect me (positively and negatively). I hate how tired the lorazepam leaves me, but it’s better than being anxious. 

I have never had a problem this complex and this scary before. I only hope to hell it gets resolved before I either end up in a loony bin or Tom has to quit his job to be with me more often. This park may not always be peaceful and our house may be 33 years old, but we do like the park and we love the house and would like to stay here till we leave the state altogether. His having to quit his job, as much as I love knowing that he would and that I’m more important to him, could leave us with even more problems in the end than we started with. I’m losing my mind. That’s enough. We both don’t need to lose our home, too. Money can’t buy health and happiness or fix all our problems, but it sure can help keep us more comfortable while we’re trying to get better. If he quit his job, I don’t know that I could keep the same doctors. I’d hate to have to start all over again with a new team, so quitting is a very last resort.