I started a little “drama log” seeing that I have now had three incidents in one week. First I have a major panic attack on the 9th that leaves me trembling uncontrollably afterward, and that was the most terrifying of all. Then on the 12th, I have an elevated pulse followed by the runs, and yesterday my heart raced me awake. Am I ever going to be able to live without being in fear of my own damn heart? 

Tom thinks that within 2 to 4 weeks after I fully get acclimated again to 75s, the racy heart will back off and that 2016 will be virtually free of this shit. I wish I could believe him! I just hope he’s right! At times I totally feel like something up there is getting a genuine kick out of tormenting me with my health. I actually miss the days of worrying about money. All the little problems I had seemed like nothing, and the bigger problems didn’t seem so big in comparison to living in constant fear of what my own body may do. It is a truly torturous way to live, always wondering when the next attack is going to hit. I’m guessing my next one will be Sunday or Monday since I seem to be getting them every 3 to 4 days. 

In the 90s I used to be afraid to go to bed for fear of having an asthma attack. A few years ago I was afraid to go to bed because of all the nasty dream premonitions I was having. Now I’m afraid to go to bed because of my heart, which also torments me while I’m wide awake. I’m either suffering or I’m worrying that I’m going to. I just want it all to end! I can’t afford to deal with this shit while we’re on vacation. Having to deal with my sleep issues is overwhelming enough. Like I said before, being tired is one thing, feeling like shit is another. In fact, my heart started racing again after Tom left and I had to take a lorazepam. *sighs* I’ll never get better. Never. 

I always feel really warm when I wake up with one of these things and even when they occur when I’m awake. Tom thinks that because I was having a medication-related dream, it triggered the attack. Something about rinsing out a pill bottle that I was drinking from. 

But if this were suddenly to end now, wouldn’t something new just come to replace it eventually? 

Later… 

Before I get into an even bigger mystery than the cracked mirror in the Indian diary (in my next entry), my energy levels have been good so far today as well as yesterday. Two days ago, however, I felt so blah. I didn’t even have the energy to work out that day. 

After Tom left yesterday morning I felt a little anxious, my heart started to race, and I took a lorazepam which knocked me out several hours sooner than I’d have liked. Oh, so we’re going to play these anxiety games every day now? Really, I am so, so fucking sick of dealing with this shit. Once again I feel like I’ll never get back to being my usual self. Sometimes I even think of stopping my thyroid meds altogether as I’ve never needed anti-anxiety meds before starting the stuff. But I don’t want to gain a million pounds, always be dizzy, lose my hair and memory, feel freezing cold even in the summer, and a million other symptoms. 

But it’s no wonder those with depression want to slap those who tell them to just smile and be happy. If only it were a choice and that simple! It rules us. We don’t rule it. Like it or not, I could say “fuck you” to anxiety and declare that I’m never again going to allow myself to feel anxious and that I’m in charge of my own mind and body, but that’s not the way life works. There’s only so much we can do, and I’m afraid we don’t have as much control as we’d often like to think we have. 

I’ve also been getting headaches more than usual, right above my eyebrows or just above my right temple. Since the vast majority of the anxiety has backed off, I have been having coffee, though only one cup a day. 

Oh, to be back in the days when I didn’t have a clue as to what this kind of anxiety was like and I was never afraid of my own heart. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d rather be dirt poor all over again than go through this shit. Being poor was an easier kind of hard. I hope Tom’s right in that it’s just about my body needing another couple of weeks or so to readjust to the 75s. I’m still a million times better than on the 88s. The only time it really got scary was last week. But still… enough is enough already! 

Meanwhile, I slept better. I started to overheat and almost had a racy heart, but after I got up to pee and then returned to bed, I was fine.