I might not get to post this today because I feel so awful. Bob’s hammering and sawing don’t help either. I loved how yesterday’s wind and rain kept it so unusually quiet, but now it’s back to being noisy and it’s only 9am. Just thought I would get a draft started and say that I am really seriously contemplating quitting my thyroid meds altogether. Never before has any medication ever given me such problems and I’ve had it with this shit. Every time I think I'm over the anxiety and the booming heart, it returns to haunt me. And the thing is I was feeling so calm and relaxed last time around, which kind of makes it scarier. I only had a few seconds of warning this time around. 

I have a cold, which consists of a sore throat and that run-down feeling. This is my first cold in about 4 years. I obviously got it from somebody when we were out over the weekend. There I was missing the good old days where colds, toothaches, earaches and things like that were my worst problem but I never had to fear being left alone. 

Then I get this cold and think, wow, maybe I’ve gotten what I wished for… the good old days back. Yeah, right! I felt wonderfully calm after sleeping ok and didn't think I needed to take a lorazepam after he left for work. After I worked out on the Bowflex and did some online work, including my Dutch lesson, I felt cold and tired and decided to relax in bed. You know how colds make you feel. You have no energy. Well, anyway, that familiar and horrible feeling of being too warm suddenly came on along with the fuzzyish feeling in my head just a few seconds before my heart took off at breakneck speed. Not just racing but booming hard. 

I jumped up and took a lorazepam and called Tom. We've been Skyping each other like crazy trying to keep me calm. I am so frustrated and so depressed right now. I feel like I'll never escape this thing and that I’ll live in fear for the rest of my life. We had changed our minds about contacting the doctor this week, figuring there was nothing they could really do, but I'm definitely going to contact Doc A next Monday. This is no way to live. If I have to take lorazepam every single day, so be it. I’m sick of the torture and I’m totally beginning to believe I’ll never escape this shit no matter what I do. I’m fair game to it any time any place. 

It's almost like the 75s are now too much for me. I'm not suffering nearly as much as when I was on the 88s, but this shouldn't be happening! Why is this happening? I wonder how much of it is the meds vs. me being anxious, though I didn’t feel the least bit anxious till it hit. Can one really develop an anxiety disorder this late in life? It just seems an odd coincidence that as soon as I start the thyroid meds, the trouble begins. Well, not that day, but within a few months. I just don't understand why this keeps happening. I just feel so singled out, picked on and totally hated from above. Totally. 

Gonna just go ahead and upload this without editing or proofreading. Sorry for any errors. Meanwhile, the calm has been replaced with depression. I’m trying to keep busy, but with a cold and a scare like I had, it’s not easy. I just want to sleep and not wake up till it’s time to go on vacation. 

I’ll write about my dreams later… if I even remember them based on the notes I jotted down when I got up.