I want my old self back, but I realized like never before that she’s just not returning. No matter what I do, my old self is gone forever. I have an appointment to meet with Stacy today. She's the counselor that I liked better than Dana. Saw her last May and she didn’t remember me when we spoke on the phone yesterday. That’s ok. I only saw her once and I know she sees many people. She’ll probably remember me when she sees me if she hasn’t already by pulling up my file. 

I also notified my PCP about the anxiety and she said that she hoped that seeing Stacey would help and if not they could put me on regular maintenance anxiety medication if need be. I think I just might need that for a while. I'm just hesitant after what happened with the Prozac. 

Anyway, yesterday was terrifying and horrible. My heart raced even a little bit with the lorazepam. My anxiety was through the roof that I had to have Tom come home early which brought mixed emotions. I was grateful to have him here because that helped calm me down, but then I felt guilty and worried about jeopardizing his job. He said he's not worried about layoffs, though this would pretty much guarantee to scrap any future promotions and raises. Yeah, that's something God would do... Use my health to screw his job. Funny too, because the older I get the more atheist I become. Yet at the same time, I truly feel - unless I'm just paranoid as fuck - that something up there is hell-bent on torturing me with my health. It can't do it with money right now, so it's using my health. I swear it wants me to go through one long-term problem after another. If it isn't the freeloaders, it's money, and if it wasn't my health, what would it be then? 

Words cannot express just how frustrating this is! Sometimes I wonder if I can survive till the vacation or if I'll even wanna go on living afterward. The biggest question is what the hell is causing the anxiety??? These are the same symptoms I had when I had high thyroid, yet logically speaking there's no way the numbers could say that’s the case. Is it possible that it might never have been connected to the medication and that it was just a helluva coincidence that it started after starting the meds? And all despite other complaints out there saying the same thing? Might I have gotten this even if I had never been diagnosed with Hashimoto's? I just don't know what to think anymore. Or did it start with the medication and then become a psychological thing caused by my worrying? And why does it come and go? Why did I have warning signs when I was on the 88s, then why did it suddenly sneak up on me when I was in a perfectly calm mood on 75? I just don't get it. 

From what I read, one doesn't usually develop anxiety disorders this late in life unless they're connected to something medical. So is it just my thyroid itself? I asked Tom; if it was my thyroid, then why didn't these beatdowns happen before I was diagnosed and medicated? He said because my body got used to the low thyroid. Yeah well, I wonder if I might have to let it get used to that again and stop the meds altogether. That's not a decision I've made yet. I just hate to invite the unmasked symptoms back, but they're a lot easier to tolerate than feeling like you're having a heart attack and terrified out of your mind. 

Anyway, today I really feel my cold. My throat isn't as sore but my voice is very hoarse, I’m run down, and my head feels congested even though I don’t have a runny nose. Just some sneezing and coughing. It's been mild overall. I wouldn't have had to call out sick had I worked outside of home. 

I've decided that I'm sick of sitting around at home even though I keep myself busy here. I'm going to go down to the clubhouse in a little over an hour and watch the step aerobics. My PCP said yoga, daily walks and meditation help, but I do exercise nearly every single day. Maybe in different ways, but it's not like I'm not physical. 

When I was in Valleyhead and jail and constantly forced to interact with nothing but people, people, people, and almost never alone for more than a few hours, I longed to lock myself alone in a room for days. All I wanted was to be alone. I looked so forward to it because I felt so smothered by the hundreds of people I dealt with. Even just by my husband when he was on unemployment month after month, year after year. I just wanted some space. Now I'm just the opposite. Being alone terrifies me and that's not right. I shouldn't have to feel this way. I should look just as forward to being alone as I do spending time with my husband. I'm tired of this thing running and ruining my life, and if there is anything up there doing this to me, I totally hate its fucking guts. I'm going from scared to mad, not that I'm not still plenty scared. It's terrifying when the adrenaline suddenly pours through you like a waterfall and your heart starts pumping faster and faster, harder and harder. 

Later… 

I’ve been meaning to bitch about this days ago, but while I adore my friend Alison and she has continued to be a great support, but also drives me crazy at times with her clinginess, her demands, and her reading things in that aren't there. I can't even say the simplest, most innocent of statements without knowing if she's going to misconstrue my words. 

The other day I asked her if she has come to like living with her parents or if she would still like a place of her own. For that I get, “That kind of hurts that you would say that as you know it takes time to save for an apartment and I've only been nannying for four months.” 

Now why in the world would she think I would intentionally say something hurtful or offensive? I was simply asking what she preferred regardless of what money she had saved. 

She said her iron levels were dangerously low the other day and wonders if that's what made her suicidal. Either way, just like I would say about Andy, I sometimes wish she would have less free time or get a boyfriend. She almost had one but from what she said, Leon dumped her for the same reasons that drive me crazy. She was too demanding. 

Later… 

Aerobics was fun. I'm trying to find a better "people/solitude balance." I don’t want to be smothered by nothing but people, people, people, but I’d like to mingle a bit more given that I work at home and Tom doesn’t. It’s about time we took advantage of more amenities here other than just the pool and spa anyway. It’s nice to enjoy what many people have to pay for. 

With me being younger than most folks here, I thought they'd pretty much ignore me, but they were very friendly. In fact, they welcomed me with open arms. Literally. LOL, they like to start their little get-togethers off with a hug, so I got a few hugs from the half a dozen or so ladies that were there. I just wish I didn’t have such shitty vision with or without glasses. 

Anyway, the only two names I remember are Nancy and Claire. All were older and all-gray. Nancy was the only one close to me in age and without the gray. They meet Tuesday – Friday and do a variety of exercises both in the mornings and the afternoons. The instructor, in her 80s and a wonderful inspiration, said they used to have 35 people per class but it’s dwindled over time. 

Probably because of how easy it’s gotten to work out at home. Even though we have the Bowflex and the treadmill, variety is still nice. It’s nice to run in the fresh outdoor air at times when it’s not too cold, hot or raining, and it’s still fun to work out with others as well. 

So we worked out with the instructor leading the way to the tune of some oldies. The oldies weren’t so bad. It was the Christmas music that was lame. It was still fun and I worked up enough of a sweat to be glad I wasn’t wearing long sleeves. We worked out for about 35 minutes, though we had a 5-minute water break in between. Next time I’ll know to bring a bottle of water. In the meantime, one of the ladies showed me the way to the kitchen sink where they had a filtered water faucet. 

Claire was fascinated by the seahorse on my shirt before she had to leave for a doctor’s appointment. LOL 

For part two, Nancy ventured off to the exercise bike and treadmill in front. A couple of guys played pool in a room off the back of the main room. 

The second time around we used resistance bands. She said I could bring my own if I wanted to, but I don’t have one like what they use. She said don’t worry about bringing my own weights because they have so many from 3 pounds and up. 

But do I have to bring my own resistance bands? I don’t think I do. It seems she passed those out to everyone. I used the strongest one, which she said she figured I’d want being “so young.” 

Only one woman was obese. The rest had mostly slim legs while being a little top-heavy. Overall, we were a pretty fit bunch. Claire was weak and frail, though, and had to sit in a chair for the most part till she left. 

The Angels coloring book I won came and it’s just so-so. 

In dreams, all I remember is something about contemplating auditioning for a job singing but not having enough confidence in myself, a dog barking out an open window as I was talking to someone, some woman moving and then us moving. 

Then I was living in my grandparents’ house when I realized I hadn't checked the mail in days. When I went out front I found there were tons and tons of mail. Some of it seemed like it could be stuff I’d won entering sweeps. I also found it odd that nearly 40 years later the same neighbors were still around.