I don’t have a more positive update to make this time, but I do have a more interesting and promising one. 

First, though, my niece Sarah had a seizure while with her mother at the grocery store yesterday. How terrifying it must’ve been! She was at the checkout when she had to be taken away by ambulance. I don’t believe in prayer, but I believe in at least being thankful she wasn’t alone when it happened, and hopeful that her new medication helps her. 

My anxiety was through the roof last night, though my heart was never racing. You know that saying about butterflies in your stomach? Well, that’s exactly what it felt like. I could feel waves of adrenaline push up from the pit of my stomach and up into my chest and even my face, causing my lips to tingle. It’s the same kind of fear you would suddenly feel if you were walking down the street and were suddenly faced with a big mean-looking dog. 

I cried on Tom’s shoulder and while this helps make me feel better, I also felt guilty because he has the same cold I had and I’m sure he doesn’t need this right now as patient as he is. 

I am now taking the lorazepam more as prescribed, which basically means every 12 hrs. Even if I don’t feel that anxious, I don’t want to wait and let myself get there. 

I’m also still waking up overheated and with a racing heart which calms down after a few minutes. This one I’m not sure is connected to whatever’s causing my “artificial fear.” I wonder if this could be the perimenopause. I sleep with just a thin blanket, nothing but my panties, drop the temp to 68°, and I still wake up hot and with a racy heart. 

My gut feeling has always been that whatever is going on with me is physiological as opposed to psychological, not that I’m not against exploring psychological possibilities and ways to help myself with Stacy. Yet my endo has told me my labs don’t indicate that I could have these symptoms, and my adrenaline test that was done through bloodwork shows that I do not overproduce adrenaline. Still, I find it awfully hard to believe this is all about “something eating at me.” 

As I was lying in bed thinking (lorazepam makes you drowsy and so I have to lay down periodically for a few minutes) my mind suddenly flashed back 10 years ago when we were living in Oregon and really struggling big-time financially. I’m not normally the superstitious type. Yes, there are psychics who can sometimes know the unknown and have dream premonitions. It’s happened to me. It’s harder to believe the things you haven’t experienced firsthand, like ghosts, for example. I’ve never seen one personally so I wonder if it’s people’s imagination, though I admit I don’t know it all. Regardless… one night in 2005 Tom read about a spell online. It only takes a few minutes to perform it by using regular household items that aren't supposed to make your life perfect but are supposed to improve it and stop the extremes, as in the really bad things from happening. 

When Tom asked me to help him perform the spell I just laughed and almost passed. But knowing that we had absolutely nothing to lose, I got up and assisted with the simple formula and performed the spell with him. It requires a small bowl of water in which you pour three drops of oil. Then you stick the eye of a small needle through the eye of a bigger needle and drop it into the bowl. While one of you sprinkles salt the other cuts at it with scissors as you both chant, “Eyes against eyes, return to sender.” 

Just five months after performing the spell Tom got a huge promotion which was considered great money for being in the tiny cheap town of Klamath Falls, Oregon. Many other good things started happening as well. I was entering sweeps and winning like crazy. 

Wondering if it might not hurt to try to reapply the spell, we performed it again last night. Although I didn’t sleep well, I felt calmer for the rest of the night. 

When I got up, I almost dreaded checking my comments on Prosebox. See, part of the reason I keep the negative entries private is that I don’t want to depress or worry anybody, and I also don’t want confusing, conflicting, or unwanted advice that I’m already aware of. 

However, a long-time reader and friend suggested I may have an adrenal imbalance. My first thought was… but they just tested for that via bloodwork and said I don’t overproduce. Next? 

But then I went on to read her talk about how while she acknowledges that she’s not a doctor, a blood test for cortisol levels doesn’t accurately diagnose adrenal insufficiency. The only way to map out my cortisol is with a saliva test, and she gave me a link to a home testing kit on Amazon. 

Not that I don’t appreciate all the advice my readers have given me, but I can’t deny that this one sounds the most promising of all. If the labs come up with anything, they will send it back to me and I can take it to my endo.  She said not to bother with our insurance because I would end up paying more that way. Fortunately, it’s legal in my state. It’s only illegal in New York and Maryland. She said adrenal imbalances are common with those with hypothyroidism and are overlooked by Western medicine. I guess there are supplements you can take if you have this problem. 

Well, I’m willing to try anything. ANYTHING to stop this horrible anxiety. Even when my heart isn’t racing I feel the same kind of fear one would feel if they were suddenly faced with something that scares them like heights or giant spiders. It’s awful. I just want to get back to myself so bad. I want my sleep back. I want my life back. 

So Tom and I read up on it and decided it was worth the $140 to find out. If this isn’t the case, maybe I can ask my PCP to do other types of hormonal testing on me. If I’m entering perimenopause, that right there might be a factor. If all else fails, I guess I either take less levothyroxine and more anxiety meds. *sighs with frustration* I just want to figure it out, whatever it is… like yesterday. 

Met with a different instructor, Ruthann, and group of aerobics buddies down at the clubhouse just after 4:30. Damn, was the walk down there cold! There were 8 of us, including the instructor. This time we didn’t follow the instructor herself, but we followed a video. The video was fun and fairly easy. It would have been perfect for Tom had he not been in bed with a cold. 

One woman had really nice long hair like I had years ago. I recognized her from the pool last summer. Her name is Debbie. Her hair didn’t cover her ass like mine did, but it covered her back. She said she’s cutting part of it off. I remember how easy it was after a while to get sick of. The weight of it, the care of it, and the way it would get in the way of things. 

Anyway, I had to cut class midway. The same thing happened when I started to get really warm and anxious feeling. I was actually grateful for the coldness during the walk back. Ruthann said they do this Monday through Wednesday. 

I felt the same anxiety press up from my gut and into my chest and had to take a lorazepam an hour earlier than planned.