This entry will be so depressing I might keep it private, especially since my thoughts are getting darker. My anxiety is coming and going, and just like Stacey said, the lorazepam doesn't always help. I can't sleep, I'm anxious as hell, and my appetite is down. Can't complain about the last one, but I would rather feel good and have to worry about not overeating. 

I'm so fed up and frustrated with this shit that I am about ready to tell my PCP to go ahead and start a daily regimen and just hope there are no dangerous effects from it. I would rather be tired all the time than feel anxious. 

I messaged Doc O to ask her if she's absolutely sure there's no way that the 75s could now become a problem. I know I did well on this dose for 5 or 6 months throughout the summer, but maybe I wasn't pocket-flaring then and maybe I am now. That's what I want to find out. I need her to tell me if that’s possible or not so that I can either rule out the medication as a possibility or do something about the medication. I skipped it today. 

I'm really wondering how the hell I'm going to handle the cruise. If my heart keeps racing me awake every couple of hours I'm not going to have the energy to go on fun excursions. May have to cut the cruise part of the trip out and just see Tammy for a few days. If I'm sitting on her couch yawning, so what? But if I'm parasailing or snorkeling or shopping or whatever, I would like to be awake for that. 

Two nights in a row now I have had my heart race me awake and I know damn well it’ll do it again tonight. I was anxious all last night and finally, I had to take lorazepam, which caused me to crash a couple of hours earlier than I wanted to, but the anxiety was just too much for me. I'm trying to do Stacy's breathing exercises but they're just not helping. I’m trying to keep busy but sometimes I just want to lay in bed and cry or at least just feel sorry for myself as I continue to worry about how long this will go on, what’s causing it, and what can fix it. 

I woke up anxious today at 10:00 and then it came and went in waves and dissipated around 1:00. Just like last night, though, it reared back up shortly after my very sick husband went to bed. I still have traces of the cold in my head and a slight cough, but it’s 95% gone. He only did 8 hours today that’s how miserable he feels. Unlike me, he even has a bit of a fever. At least he’ll get better. I may never get better. That’s a tough pill to swallow to think I may have to live with this anxiety on and off for the rest of my life. I won’t let myself suffer like that. I swear I won’t. If the doctors can’t help me and death is the only way out, then I may seriously consider it. Nothing I have ever gone through in my life was this tough. Nothing. And I’ve had my share of rough moments. 

Why is this happening??? How can this suddenly be “normal” for me if Tom’s so sure it’s not the pills??? How can this simply be me being anxious over what the 88s did??? I just don’t get this new and horrible me. Wish Doc O would hurry up and get back to me, but I probably won’t hear from her for a day or two. 

I just want to scream and cry in frustration at times. I miss my old self so, SO much!!! Remember how I said my perfect vision would be the one thing I would take back if I could? I was wrong. I want my calmness back. I want to go back to being able to sleep at night or whenever I happen to sleep. And I also want to go back to not being afraid to be alone. Even when I'm not alone I still experience waves of anxiety that I feel both physically and emotionally and it just sucks. I totally miss the me that had no clue what this was like. That only knew what it was like to have stress and worries, but not downright waves of fear and panic. I would soooo rather be dirt poor, stuffed back in Jesse’s little shitbox away from civilization and totally in the dark as to what it means to feel this way. I try transporting myself back there, but nothing I do seems to help. 

Just like Jesse’s mutts stole my ability to truly enjoy what country living is supposed to be all about, this anxiety is preventing me from enjoying my life here to the fullest. I miss the days when my biggest problems were other people’s noise, earaches, and little things like that. 

My crazy schedule has only gotten crazier. Like I said, even when it wasn’t predictable, it still was. Now it’s gotten much harder to gauge when I’ll be getting up because the constant wake-up calls are throwing everything off, causing me to have to sleep longer.