I’m back on the Sandoz brand that has the oblong pills. It says it’s generic for Levoxyl. I took it before bed yesterday and right now I feel what I would describe as borderline.

I had trouble falling asleep yesterday because I had so many unanswered questions running through my mind. What other drug can I take to treat my condition without making me anxious? How much of it is the medication as opposed to perimenopause? Should I get a new doctor? Should I ask about having the gland removed so it can’t throw T3 parties on me? Is there ever an end to this shit either way? I totally cannot take another 4 years of this shit. I just can’t! Sometimes I’m feeling great and other times I’m being stabbed in the chest with waves of anxiety. There are other things I don’t understand, too. Why did some of the side effects of this drug stop while others started so late in the game? Why did the booming heart stop and then why did I start getting waves of anxiety in the chest a year and a half ago? Even the “butterflies” in the stomach stopped after a while, and when I’m anxious these days, my heart isn’t usually racing, believe it or not.

I think if worse comes to absolute worse, and it might, I’m simply going to have to stop the medication altogether. This is no way to live. The hypo symptoms themselves were much more tolerable than the anxiety. I may gain a million pounds and shorten my life, but I would rather a shorter more comfortable life than a longer life of suffering. The only way to end this may be to stop the medication altogether if there isn’t any other alternative that will work for me. All I know is that I’m very susceptible to side effects and I usually get most of whatever side effects a drug has to offer. As Stacey said, you can still have feelings of anxiety with psych meds, and as the shrink said, many of them stop working after a while. So I still don’t see any point in adding additional side effects for a temporary calm. I would still rather get rid of whatever is causing my anxiety in the first place. If I’m wrong and it’s mostly on the perimenopause, obviously I can’t just “get rid of” my hormones, but I can get rid of the medication if need be. For some of us, medication isn’t always the best answer. That’s why I’m not on the cholesterol medication I need and the blood pressure medicine I might need.

Although it was with much distraction because of how shitty I’ve felt on and off, I managed to win CampNano but not by much. I just busted over the word count but once I get it fleshed out and edited it will probably add more to the word count. If I had decent publishers I doubt I would submit it to them because I’m not sure I like how it came out.

Oh wow. Just wow! All of a sudden the anxiety released its grip like someone hanging from a rope that snapped and I feel a wonderful calm now. Please let it last for more than five minutes! Taking proactive steps anyway with a cup of chamomile. :)

I had a dream that Paula called and I seemed to be talking to her while sitting in a parked car that might have been abandoned or simply not used. It was very windy out and leaves were blowing against the windows of the car.

Then I had a dream I was walking down a street where a guy was working on a car in the middle of the street. Then a large van or truck came by and ran over his foot. Ouch!

I was running some of the Oregon journals through Grammarly when I burst out crying at one point. We may have lived in a shitty climate, rented shitty places, and our lives may not have been perfect, but I do miss some aspects of our lives there and the perspective I had on life back then. Some things were still a bit new and exciting, I didn’t need any medication, I wasn’t so fucking fat (even though most still describe me as “tiny”), I had so much fun winning things before social media came and ruined it all, I wasn’t as blind, I couldn’t keep a schedule but could sleep a little better, I didn’t know what real suffering was, I didn’t have the fears and insecurities I have now, I had a libido, I had hope and could see more possibilities for the future, etc.

It just seemed that life was a bit simpler back then. The town was so small you could walk or take the bus everywhere and we didn’t bother registering the truck we had. Tom had just a six-minute walk to work even if he would fall on the ice and nearly kill himself with his shitty balance, LOL.

Well, I would never want to go back there because things wouldn’t be the same and I still hate extreme cold and snow, but in some ways, those may always be some of the best years of our lives.