And yet again traffic wakes me up, and again I am feeling shitty. Tomorrow will be no different because the loud trash and green waste trucks are coming. Since I took my pill today I’m not as fatigued, but I’m definitely not bursting with energy either. Heart raced a bit too, but that was probably cuz I ate a lot.

I’m still very stressed out about what to do about my situation. Tomorrow I will begin the pills splitting experiment, but I don’t hold out much hope of ever being able to fully treat my disease in a way I can tolerate. Not if I’m still going through this shit after nearly 4 years. What I don’t get is why I’m so up and down. Why has it been such a roller coaster ride for me all these years? Just when I’m doing well and I think I might finally stay that way, it’s like something up there reaches down with a bat and knocks me right off course.

If there is a God up there and if it does pick and choose what happens to us, why the hell would it give me a disease it knew damn well I couldn’t treat? Really, why would it do that? I mean how hateful is that?

A part of me wishes he would get laid off so we would have an excuse to get out of here, but I’m just going to sleep shitty elsewhere, too. The world is a noisy place and each decade it only gets noisier as the population climbs and people get less considerate of others. If it isn’t landscaping, it’s brats. If it isn’t traffic, it’s mutts. If it isn’t planes, it’s more car stereos than I hear here. Florida has more storms so thunder would probably wake me up there more than the traffic does here. I would only gain in that I would be in a warmer climate that was cheaper. I’m still ready to go, but now that he’s been at this job for over 5 years, I’m beginning to have my doubts that he’ll be laid off before he retires.

Oh, how I wish to hell he was retired! I’m tired of having to be alone so much and having to put so many things on hold due to his job. While I doubt it will kill me, as much as I sometimes wish something would, I worry that waiting until June to see a new PCP and my ENT may be a bit long as I don’t want my ear to get infected and I’m tired of suffering in general, but that’s the tentative plan is to hit those two appointments, plus his own PCP appointment during the week of June he’s taking off.

I can’t believe how much I’ve suffered when I could be and should be enjoying life with my worst problem being the noise and sleep disturbances. Instead, I go back and forth between fatigue and anxiety with no end in sight, and when I think I see one, it turns out to be a joke.

Sometimes side effects go away in time, but I don’t think the anxiety is a side effect so much as something I’m very sensitive to that’s put into the synthetic drug itself. Still, I wish I knew if it would ever go away if I forced myself to take it every day, not that I could stand to, and not that I would try when he was still working. No way to know how bad it might get. I’m learning that we can’t believe everything we’re told, even if it’s from a doctor.

The 30 chokers I ordered for the doll came today. Good variety and quality for the price. Yet another thing I would have loved 20 years ago. So many things are available today that would’ve better suited me back then and that I could have used then.

I was worried yesterday that we had a new loud car in the neighborhood, but hopefully the bastard was just visiting.

I am now officially an unpublished author. Some things just weren’t meant to be no matter how good you may be at them.

When traffic wasn’t waking me up, and I wasn’t waking up for no reason, nightmares were waking me up. I had all kinds of horrible dreams, one of which Tammy may have been in but I can’t swear to that.

Something about a stuffed panther coming to life, and then I was looking out the window of an apartment that wasn’t on the ground floor but I don’t know that it was a high-rise either.

There were so many other dreams I can’t remember. The night before last, I dreamt I was inside the house I grew up in at night. I was curious to snoop around and see what it looked like while the owners were out. After I used the bathroom, which was on the wrong side of the house, I went to explore but this tremendous wind soon drove me out of the house. It was a wind so fierce that my hair stood straight up.

So I went out of the house and began walking up the street. A woman was watching me from the house across the street, trying to get a good look at me as I walked up the street, hoping no one would notice me.

Then I was locked up somewhere in this strange kind of jail that didn’t actually have cells but these partitions with these double doors that parted in the middle and “roofs.” I was with some girl and as much as we seemed to get along and I liked her, I wished I could remember people’s phone numbers so I could call and let them know where I was.