Doing another entry but I’m doing it for myself. I like to keep the darker stuff private.

Good news and bad news on the first day of breaking up the pills. I had anxiety for the first 4 hours after taking the first half. It probably would have been closer to 10 hours had I taken the whole thing. Taking the last half after being up for 12 hours. So at about 7am.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s any truth to those who believe living close to a cemetery brings bad luck. I researched it a bit and came up with mixed opinions. I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure but if I move away from here and suddenly feel better more often, it might make me wonder. A lot.

I tortured myself during yesterday’s misery. Yes, I was worse yesterday than today after taking a whole pill. I didn’t think I would be that anxious since I didn’t take anything the day before but I was for quite a while. And then I tortured myself some more by watching a horribly botched execution on YouTube done in Arizona 4 years ago by lethal injection. When I saw that man suffer all I could think was wow, I really hope this guy, someone I never heard of before that I guess killed his ex and her father, really deserved the suffering he got in the end. I hope he was an abusive asshole that totally deserved to be tortured to death as he was.

Even though I’m all for the death penalty, I’m appalled at how executions are handled with regular prison staff carrying the sentences out. This should be done by trained medical doctors and they should simply be put to sleep in the way a person is put to sleep for surgery, or animals are put to sleep. There’s no reason to make it such a long drawn-out ordeal unless it’s meant to be that way because torturing the condemned prisoners is the primary goal. Well, torture this guy they did. I guess they missed his vein and shot the stuff into his tissue instead and at that point, he was mostly paralyzed but still able to shout out in agony.

I couldn’t believe it when one of the guys patted him and said, “You’re going to be okay, Joe.”

Yeah, you’ll be okay as soon as we figure out how to kill you successfully.

Anyway, what should have taken minutes took 2 hours. The only good thing is that 2 hours of suffering is better than days, weeks, months or years, and the guy certainly won’t have to live with the PTSD that something that traumatic would certainly bring.

Saw that I had a bottle of grapefruit oil in one of the drawers for the diffuser. Yuck. I’ll sic it on Kathleen in September since I don’t expect to see her before then. Oh, the games women love to play with me.

Thyroid pill experiment update: after taking the first half of my pill yesterday, I felt anxious for about 4 hours. That was better than 10, but still a bit disappointing. When I took the second half at the end of the day, however, I was fine.

At this point, I would have to go over 6 months, preferably a year, without anxiety before and if I ever felt confident enough to say I’ve beaten it. Personally, I don’t think I ever will. After 4 years of dealing with this shit, I have no reason to think it will ever go away unless I stop the medication altogether yet I can’t do that. It sucks being a slave to something that can cause so much misery but until and if I ever find an alternative, I don’t think things will ever go back to the way they were before 4 years ago. For me, it’s going to be a case of finding a way to take as much of the drug as I can stand and basically adapt or die. That saying about nothing lasting forever isn’t quite true. Sometimes things really do change and never go back to the way they were before. One day I got fat and I’ve remained that way and I will continue to remain that way. One day I became farsighted and I always will be. One day my thyroid crapped out on me and it’s never coming back. It’s always going to require the only medication available for it, anxiety-inducing or not. There really isn’t any getting around it.

The only other things I have are fatigue, lightheadedness, and that vibrating sensation in my head. My blood pressure and pulse numbers were amazing yesterday, though. BP was 129/80 and my pulse was only 79. That’s definitely a low HR for me, LOL. BP was the lowest I’ve seen it in a while, too.

Definitely not as awake as I was yesterday even though I slept okay. I didn’t quite sleep eight hours, though, and was up almost 18 hours.

Enjoying the weather in the low 80s. With May right around the corner, this should be it. The rain should be done until the fall and we shouldn’t have any more cold spells.

I have three reminders set. One for Amberen, one to stop eating, and one to take the other half of today’s pill. They’re at midnight, six and eight.