Feeling kind of blah now. The nights are peaceful (somewhat) but they can be a bit lonely. But then so can the weekdays when I’m alone. Sometimes I wish I was “normal” and had a job instead of a sleep curse and driving phobia. More distractions would be a good thing for me and make alone time more special.

Still calm but definitely lightheaded. It’s ok. I’m used to it. Besides, if it wasn’t that it would just be something else. Something that might be worse. Been pretty productive story-wise, though, sharing bits and pieces in my story account.

No updates from Tammy or the girls, even though Tammy has been online. I guess they just don’t have much info yet. Gotta wonder, though… If the tables were turned and it was me in the hospital, how concerned would they be? Not saying Tammy wouldn’t be concerned but I wonder just how often they would ask for updates.

I looked at an aerial view of Tammy’s place to try to get a sense of what may be making it so quiet there as opposed to here. Well, she definitely isn’t as choked off by houses and driveways as we are, and the streets being skinnier would probably deter as much street parking. However, even though her park is half the size of ours she is towards the entrance and I would think most of the people that live there would have to drive by her place. Does Florida simply not have as many loud vehicles? She should be hearing the same thunderous traffic we do. Where I’m cursed with noise maybe she’s just blessed?

There are some houses in her park that might be an ideal location but I still think that these days, with people becoming less considerate, vehicles getting louder, and the population rising, there isn’t much difference between an apartment and a house be it in the mainstream or not. So like I said, best to focus on cost and the place itself and not what’s around it when we move.

The sky was anything but peaceful last night. What we’re pretty sure were police helicopters were swarming around the area for about 40 minutes at 3am. Pretty sure I heard one talking from a speaker. So they were probably in pursuit of a suspect.

Blood pressure was high before bed but good when I got up. The French bread pizza I had before bed was probably responsible for the rise in BP as well as the stomach pains I had yesterday since it was a bit greasy. Definitely done with that stuff. I may not care enough about being fat to count calories and put up with the hunger that would go with losing weight that only comes right back, but I definitely need to go back to reading nutrition labels if only for the sodium and cholesterol content. I’d rather look like shit than feel like shit.

What was probably UPS ended up waking me up as they went crashing into the speed bump. I fell back asleep for a couple more hours, but still, I don’t think I’ve been woken up this often since my apartment days. Used to it or not, it’s fucking ridiculous, daytime sleeper half the time or not.

Geri’s evening party didn’t get as annoying as I expected. That loud car left after visiting for an hour like it did last night (from the other side of the circle), and one of Geri’s visitors had an incredibly loud car as well that left shortly after that. Plus, somebody’s mutt was barking for several minutes. Now, it’s quiet until the sky drama begins, and between 1-2 a.m. when that semi-loud vehicle comes around that delivers the paper.

Unless it’s for traffic, I don’t like to break my stride, so Tom can go walking with me as long as he doesn’t get stuck on paranoid and feel he has to stop me because some sensitive pussy that I’m not even talking to might not like something I say. Yeah, that’s another thing that bothers me. We’ve been on this blame trend worse than ever before. These days everyone’s responsible for our own behavior but us. 30, 40 years ago you didn’t have people being blamed for people’s suicide attempts and all kinds of other shit. I thought we were supposed to be responsible for our own actions.

Another thing that bothers me is the dual standards. It still seems that everything is okay for others but not for me. These are totally 100% hypothetical examples, but say we were in a restaurant and the people next to me heard me say something most people wouldn’t consider politically correct, then got up and beat the shit out of me. How much you want to bet that everyone, probably even Tom, would put the blame on me and say it was my fault, I should’ve kept my mouth shut, and I was responsible for my own attack and their actions?

Now let’s turn the tables, again, totally hypothetical. Let’s say I heard them say something unkosher, got up, and kicked the crap out of them (I wouldn’t give a shit what some stranger said to another, though). Again, why do I think that somehow, I would get shit like “you had no right to do that,” “they weren’t talking to you,” “you could have just ignored it,” “you could have moved,” “you could have left altogether?”

So it would all be on me. Right?

I still don’t like the lack of defense I seem to get compared to most people either. Again, a hypothetical example, and defending me doesn’t have to mean one has to get all confrontational on my behalf. But let’s say Tammy was like, “Well, how come you can’t just set your alarm and get up at the same time every day? Huh? How come? Why is it so damn hard?”

Couldn’t he at least say (along with me) something as simple as how it’s easier said than done? That a doctor wouldn’t have diagnosed me with CRD just for fun? That there is no treatment or cure right now for it?

Sometimes silence really can speak a thousand words. In other words, it can give people the impression that he’s on their side instead of mine just like my not fighting the legal shit sent the wrong message. Sometimes it’s what you don’t do/say that can hurt you.

Last night I dreamed I was still going to school. I don’t know if I was a kid all over again or where I was living but I supposedly changed schools and they were having trouble finding me a ride home at the end of the day. I wonder if it might have been a school I stayed in for several days at a time because after they said that it was too far to walk home because that school was 8 miles away from home instead of 2-3, I gathered a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a brush from a bathroom. Then I went to turn the light back on to double-check that I had all I needed after I had turned it off. It was a rocker switch and I had trouble getting it on. Then I said, “Forget it,” and asked someone to hold a plastic bag open for me so I could dump the items into it before leaving.