Feeling totally overwhelmed and hopeless right now. Now I’m not just worried for myself but for Tom as well. Yesterday afternoon he noticed that he went deaf in one ear. He figured he just needed a good night’s sleep. But he not only is still deaf in that ear, he now has a strange and indescribable sensation/sound and feels a bit nauseous. He doesn’t have a temperature and his blood pressure is good but his HR is a little low.

Like with most things we research online, he got a bunch of information, some of it contradictory. Some say to go to the doctor right away, others say it needs treatment, and others say it will go away on its own. It can be caused by infections, Cogan’s disease, a tumor, and many more things, though most cases are unexplainable.

I think we should both get out of this world. I really, really do. I think we’ve lived our lives and have done enough, so to speak. Meaning, there really isn’t much more we can do with what resources and money we have that we haven’t already done. People’s health gets worse with age, not better. Why live to suffer more and more? I don’t want to wait for him to die and then have to kill myself and die alone. I do NOT want to die alone.

I feel totally overwhelmed and helpless where my situation is concerned. My skin is getting worse, I continue to have anxiety, I continue to be lightheaded, and I feel like I’ve been running around in circles, getting absolutely nowhere these last 4 years. If anything, I feel worse in some ways.

I took a mirror and looked between my legs yesterday and I have big red splotches in the groin, sort of toward my ass. I also have four or five flat scaly dry patches, along with the raised red spot on my shoulder blade. I think it’s probably all lichen planus and not psoriasis or eczema, but I worry that it’s only a matter of time before it’s all over my entire body and even in my mouth and that I’ll have these gross ugly red outbreaks that are itchy as hell all over that is similar to what Aly’s going through. She burns and itches constantly and it seems like there’s only so much that can be done when it comes to skin issues. They recommend a million different things and I don’t know what, if anything, could possibly help. I wondered about Epsom salts but then I figured that if they were really worth anything, the dermatologist I saw would have likely told me.

Not sure the Lippu ointment I got really helps. I’m totally torn between giving up on my health altogether and not going to the doctor’s unless it’s to the ENT or dentist, continuing to try to fight this, and just giving up on life altogether.

Lichen planus affects the hair and nails as well as the skin, and I wonder if I’ve had it a lot longer than I realized. I just wonder if the fungus in my toenails really could be lichen planus based on some images I saw. The thing is that no matter what remedies I try, I don’t think I can stop this thing from spreading.

I’m just really not sure I want to go on living. I know there are some that believe you go to hell if you kill yourself but I can’t know that I wouldn’t end up there if there is such a place if I died of natural causes 40 years from now. There are no guarantees. I worry about a possible afterlife that could be worse than this, but I don’t want to go on suffering like I have here in this existence either. I can’t stress enough just how insignificant my past problems seem compared to this!

If anyone has learned that fighting for what’s not meant to be can only make things worse, it’s me. Maybe there really is something up there and it wants me to be hypo. Maybe it wants me to suffer. Maybe it doesn’t want me treating myself and that’s why everything I try backfires in some way or another. Not everything is fixable. Sometimes the best way to deal with a problem really is not to bother dealing with it at all, even though I know there will be serious consequences sooner or later should I decide to stop treatment altogether for both my thyroid and my skin.

When we were broke I wondered if all those years spent struggling could be compensation for riches to come, and it turns out it was. I would love to think that all this noise and all this health drama was compensation for a future peaceful place and better health, but that’s just not the way bodies and the world work.