Signing in on what’s been a very busy weekend so far. I’m probably the only one who didn’t give a damn about the royal wedding. I just don’t care about watching people I don’t even know get married, and well, it’s just a wedding. People get married all the time. It would really be nice, however, if Meghan didn’t have kids and reminded women, particularly outside of the US, that there’s more to life than just having kids, but I’m sure she’ll be cranking them out whether she wants to or not.

As has become the norm for me, I don’t feel all that great. Very lightheaded and even had some anxiety yesterday, but today it hasn’t set in yet. Going from warm to cold and noticed my vision has gotten worse rather quickly too, especially my right eye. Acceptance will come, I’m sure, but it’s been hard. To know you’re going to feel like shit more days than not for the rest of your life is a tough pill to swallow. But I’ve accepted other things and while I may not like most of them, I’ve come to accept that they are what they are and they’re never going to change. So someday, as hard as it may be to imagine right now, I’ll accept that I’m going to be lightheaded, anxious or something almost every day. It’s now a matter of treating myself for quality of life with these issues and not for fixing the problems altogether as they’re not going away any more than my vision is going to improve or the daily landscaping and other noise is suddenly going to disappear.

Tom’s out working on the bikes now. Whoever put my bike together overtightened the wheel bearings. Yesterday I took my new bike for its first trip down to the lake and back and it was a little tough. It’s better now, though. I’m still getting into riding shape and I still have a cruiser on the wrong terrain, and my tires lost 10 pounds of pressure. He’s going to add some stuff that will stop any potential leaks I may have in the tires and pump them back up.

We installed the new chandelier yesterday which is absolutely gorgeous. It’s just my shit luck, though, that as soon as we turn the electricity off and I have no sound machine to drown it out with, some asshole starts up with a really loud blower. Really wish this park would make a rule against weekend landscaping. It’s bad enough I have to listen to it every single day during the week. Yet I’m sure that some house will be worked on around here any minute now and the daily buzz will be on. Still can’t believe all the shit you hear around here. Today it’s music coming from the picnic at the clubhouse and we’re nowhere near the clubhouse. But it’s okay because I can’t hear it inside the house with the fan on.

Amazingly, no one did any projects last week. The Twenties had their SUV pulled around in front of their place and I first thought, oh no, what kind of company or service vehicle is coming over for me to have to deal with now? It turned out to be a Salvation Army truck. I guess they were donating something. Other than some annoying banging, they weren’t there long.

Tom also put the new door-closer on the back screen door. I love how you tap a button to hold it open and then you just push the door a few inches wider and it automatically closes. And it’s where I can reach it too!

He sprayed the kitchen faucet with Lime Away because it was hard to swivel from side to side.

We finished arranging offices for the most part as well. I’m now in the bedroom full-time. I think it’s pretty fucking sad that I have to do this in a retirement community of all places. This is how I lived in Phoenix, deciding my setup based on the quietest spots in the house. Just when I think I’m done with something forever, I find I’m really not. If I’m still having to do this shit this late in life, then it’s obvious I always will. I accept it even though I don’t like it. Maybe someday I’ll be able to accept that I’m going to suffer from some shitty feeling more days than not for the rest of my life. Yesterday I was light-headed and I felt a little anxious as well, as I said. I cut my waiting time to 20 minutes today but I’m sure that at some point today the anxiety will set in.

So, while it’s a bit cramped, it’s at least functional as far as my office goes. I don’t care as much about appearance in this place because we’re not going to be here forever. I don’t think it looks too bad, though. The monitor sits atop the desk I used in the trailer and I’ve got his new little desk on wheels in front of it for my laptop and full-size keyboard. He’s using another little table for now and will order another desk like this since I pretty much stole it from him, LOL. Behind me, on the beanbag, sits the doll.

I was surprised to see Ray out walking his dog yesterday and there’s no sale pending or sold sign by his house either. Then what was the moving truck I saw there last week? Maybe it was for the house further down that’s for sale.

Last week I talked to Marie and she even left a couple of voice messages. She is much easier to understand than Aly. She talks clearly and articulates better whereas Aly tends to mumble. She claims she’s done with relationships and needs to just get on with her life and stop farting around since she’s 52 and all that. She says she’s still smoking but claims she’s gotten a great job delivering pets around the country, has her own apartment, and is supposedly off the booze and psych drugs.

People don’t usually change this late in life, so I have my doubts. Some people just can’t move on. Wouldn’t be surprised if my niece were still doing the I-miss-my-dead-daddy memes every few days when they’re 52. Some people get stuck in a rut and they just can’t move on. Marie is one of them. I don’t know what happened to her as a child, but it’s obviously been affecting her as if it just happened yesterday. She just doesn’t get that while we may never forget, we really do have to move on someday otherwise will never truly live. I never forgot the freeloaders and would torture them in a heartbeat if I could get away with it. It’s been hard to move on, but if I didn’t, that’d be letting them win.

I didn’t hear from Aly the day before yesterday and my first thought was that she was in the hospital or her dog died since she believes that a neighbor fed him a poisonous herb that was anti-Pitbull. Turns out her father was in the hospital instead. I guess he’s got heart issues and something wrong with his kidneys.

I can’t remember much of my dreams these last two nights. Something about following someone down a dark street on a bike. I was riding one of the person’s bikes but it was so old and crappy I could barely pedal it. So I stopped and walked it back to the house which seemed to be a large two-story house on a street where the houses were closely set together. I looked across the street and saw a couple of dogs grazing a yard and for a brief instant, I worried they may attack me. Then it went pitch black and I couldn’t see a thing.

Then Tom and I were watching this guy in some movie that I was supposedly dating, LOL. I said to Tom, imagine Tammy’s reaction when I tell her I’m seeing this guy?

He nodded knowingly.

Then I dreamed of running into some woman I’d recently met who was in a small eatery off of a grocery store. I addressed her by the wrong name and then she corrected me by saying her name was something like Fioria. I explained that my memory wasn’t what it used to be. She had a little girl with her.

Then I went back to the grocery store which I’d momentarily left because it had gone pitch dark in there. Now that it was light, however, I began my shopping.