Sarah posted a meme saying: I’d rather work my ass off than give a man the power to say, “You wouldn’t have that if it weren’t for me.”

Very typical of the times too, and while that’s fine if it’s what she wants, the longer she and Becky are single and living together, the less likely I think it is that they’ll ever be with anyone. People may say that looks don’t matter, but it does. Everyone wants someone they’re attracted to, but I think that between their weight, height, and aggressive nature, they’re probably looking at being alone most if not all of their lives.

As a person who’s unable to work, I’m just the opposite in that I’m extremely grateful to Tom for providing me with many things and opportunities I would likely never have if it weren’t for him. Especially when we’re living in a time when women are expected to be as independent as possible.

Tammy, always the bearer of bad news, said her lymph nodes are still infected and if they’re not better by Monday she’ll have to be readmitted to the hospital. Ugh, that poor girl! As she said, and as I totally understand, she’s sick of the shit she goes through.

Yeah, I’m getting pretty fucking sick of suffering myself. Almost every single day I have something. If I’m not lightheaded, I’m going from hot to cold. If I’m not anxious, then I’m worried about becoming anxious. Lately, I’ve been finding that I’ve been on the warm side the first few hours of my day and I tend to be more lightheaded then, too. I just don’t get it. If these are side effects of my medication then why do they come and go? If it’s because I’m older and fatter, then why do I tend to feel warmer toward the beginning of my day? I’m not any younger or skinnier later on. I’m just so sick of always having something and only getting a few scattered days off where I actually feel good. If I’m really lucky I get a few weeks and if I’m really, really lucky I get a few months.

Going through all I have these last 4 years has made me very hyper-aware. If anything felt off in the past I would notice it but I didn’t tend to get as nervous about it as I do now. Nothing has killed me yet but sometimes I wish it would. Seriously, I would rather live my life without suffering or simply not live. To live and suffer isn’t a very fun way to live at all. This is just bullshit and I’m still torn between getting a new doctor and keeping the same one. Both would have their ups and downs. I asked Tom’s opinion and he thinks that as long as I’m not having panic attacks, I should probably stick with my current doctor. No panic attacks in almost 2 years. Just a few close calls.

Traffic didn’t wake me up, believe it or not, but I woke up warm a couple of times and my HR probably would have raced me awake if I was still in the worst of the peri. Then my body did something weird that woke me up and I’m not sure what it was. A headrush? A stab of anxiety?

I can’t fucking wait until it’s been at least a year without a period! That way I can begin the process of elimination. Since people with no history of anxiety (I’ve had plenty of stress but only if something bad was going on in my life) don’t usually up and have this problem so late in life, that would leave the meds which I’ve always suspected was the main culprit. To think that my only two choices in life might be this medication if I’m right, or suffering the consequences that stopping the medication would bring, makes me want to scream.

OMG, it’s nearly midnight and someone just roared in on a motorcycle. How fucking considerate, huh?

Anyway, not knowing exactly what’s causing what, what to do about it and how long it’s going to go on, makes it even harder for me. It’s been almost 4 years now since I’ve been suffering and sometimes I wonder if there’s a family curse on us but I still don’t know if I believe in that sort of thing. Like my bestie, I do believe somewhat in the paranormal but not a God, angels or devils. I was chatting with her about whether or not living close to a cemetery could affect me but then why did it take a year for things to go to hell and how come others aren’t always suffering as much as I am who also live here? I’d say the cemetery probably doesn’t have much to do with it but I guess anything is possible.

But how much could be the medication? How much could be the perimenopause? How much could be because I’m older and heavier? This set of questions brings me to the next set of questions… What do I do about it? How long will this shit go on? It’s gotten beyond frustrating! Some days I’m literally afraid to open my eyes and get out of bed because I just never know what shit I could be in for. When I’m feeling shitty I’m more willing to try things that might help but I still don’t know if psych drugs are the answer because of the side effects and the fact that some stop working after a while. I think in some ways depending on that is a lot like depending on street drugs or alcohol and while I don’t want to go down that road, I need to do something. The question is how to fix one problem, if it’s even fixable at all, without inviting a new problem. It seems like all I do is keep trading problems for problems.

Still not sure if I’m going to like the ointment for my rash. I did get a headache yesterday when I used it but not for several hours later so I still don’t know if there’s a connection. It could have fumes I don’t notice that cause it. Not using it today and no headache either.

Getting away from the physical and emotional drama, I went to the salon today and got my hair trimmed and also my bangs cut back for the first time in a decade. I missed having bangs and not having hair constantly in my face and having to put it back just to eat and stuff like that. It looks less thin in front and the gray roots don’t show as much which is nice since I don’t usually dye my hair as often as most women my age. They seem to dye it or at least touch it up every 4 to 6 weeks but I tend to go a few months between dye jobs. Just lazy, I guess.

I also got some stuff to help with the frizz. My problem is that it’s too thin in front and too thick in back so she thinned out some in back to help it look less frizzy. She blended the bangs into the sides as well and didn’t take much off the length. It’s still almost to the middle of my back when wet but since it’s very curly I don’t think it’s very long when it’s dry. If you’re used to having very short hair, you would consider it long but to me, it’s medium length.

It should also be more comfortable to put up when I’m working out or sleeping because thinner hair pulls easier than thicker hair when it’s bound, and since the thinner section of my hair is now short, I won’t be pulling on the delicate hairs along my hairline as much anymore.

Tom went to Sam’s Club while I slept and made a great impulse purchase. He got a couple of personal air conditioners. They’re portable and use a USB cable. You can add water and also ice cubes to them to add a little bit of moisture to the area around you. I have mine sitting on my desk and it definitely helps keep me cooler since my desk is in one of the warmest spots of the house in the summer. Partly because of that and because it’s quieter in the bedroom, I think I might revamp my own office like Tom is.

I have a huge corner desk in the living room and I think I might mount the TV I use as a monitor on the bedroom wall and then put my keyboard and the laptop that connects to it on the small desk I used in the trailer. Or maybe get a new desk. I have to be about two and a half feet away from this 32” monitor. I’m too blind to go with anything smaller and even if I had perfect vision, the big screen really does spoil you.

If you talk too loud and you have one Alexa and two Dots like we do, they all might hear you. It was funny because Tom was just nodding off when he got a reminder to stop eating, haha. I set reminders to stop eating and then a reminder to take my pill. Just my shit luck that I have to take a medication that not only makes me feel worse than ever at times, but that requires an empty stomach.

I’m worried about my bestie because she too, might have a dead thyroid and need to go on my medication, so I’ve told her what her doctor likely won’t tell her, and warned her that if it makes her anxious, her doctor is also likely to tell her she’s “just anxious.” Hopefully, she’ll be like most people and have no problem.

I don’t know why, but I guess you’re only supposed to use the Debrox for up to 4 days. I’ll do another round in a few days but tomorrow I’ll have Tom put alcohol and peroxide in the good ear and hope it helps ease my lightheadedness and that it’s not connected to my meds. Could be the peri, but again, I can’t always know what’s what and that’s almost as frustrating as the symptoms themselves. I’m just tired of suffering!

They just came out with this bracelet you wear that’s a personal thermostat that cools you when you’re warm and warms you when you’re cold. I’d really like to try it sometime. It’s called Embr Wave.

One of my K-cup pods was a mystery flavor that had a big question mark written on it. Had it this morning and it was delicious. Some kind of caramel or vanilla flavor, I’d guess.