I’m so cold and missing summer so much that I don’t see how those stuck in the polar vortex can stand it.

Spent the first half of my day feeling the most normal and like my old self. It was great. Once I got past that halfway marker, though, I started feeling eh. Not bad but not great either. If I don’t get over this in another year or two, then that’s going to leave the medication or me developing a permanent disorder as a real possibility. Again I question the medication because then why did I go 11 weeks as I did at the end of last year?

Another possibility that I didn’t think of when I made the list of 7 possibilities was autoimmune flares. I don’t know if I still have those and exactly how they would affect me if I do but I wonder if that might be a possibility and would explain why I’m worse at times than I am at other times.

Since not taking my meds till the end of the day may not be helping me avoid not feeling as well once I get past the halfway mark of my day, I may go back to taking it in the morning.

What worries me about an article I read is how they mention suicidal thoughts being serious. Menopause shouldn’t make you feel that way. Just the way it mentions how it’s only an underlying health concern that will likely get worse without treatment if it’s this intense and regular makes me feel even worse. The problem is time and money. We need to be focused on getting out of here. It isn’t that I don’t want help but I just don’t know how to get it. I worry about all the time and money it may take and how many scary medications it may take before and if they find the right one. So I just don’t know if anybody can ever help me. I may be beyond help. But yeah, something is obviously wrong. I just don’t know what.

There’s so much anger either way. I’m so, SO pissed that I’ve had to suffer with such intense anxiety and for so long. Like what the fuck did I ever do to deserve such torture? Anything else I’ve ever experienced that was bad was a walk in the park compared to this. Hell, food poisoning is easier than anxiety! All I know is that if there is anything up there that could have prevented this, I will never ever forgive it. If I went 10 years without anxiety, it will always spark anger to remember these days. It’s just so unfair and so undeserved. I may not be a perfect person, but come on. You mean to tell me the lying, delusional nutjobs out there deserve better health and peace of mind than I do?

Another thing (as if anxiety isn’t enough) is that my weight is crying out to go up. It’s inching upward and I’m struggling like crazy to control it but don’t know that I can. Oh well. I did say I’d like to qualify for a lap band. Traditional diet and exercise haven’t done me any good for the last decade so that would be my only hope. Getting peanuts wasn’t a good thing. Thought it would help my foot cramps but bananas are actually better for that. I need to once again back off the carbs and drop the dark chocolate since it doesn’t always calm me anyway.

I emailed a guinea pig rescue group but don’t know if they’re taking pigs during the pandemic. If they don’t come through, we’ll contact Petco and see if they can direct us somewhere. If not, we’ll have to go to a shelter.

Couldn’t resist sending Donte, Alyssa’s husband, a friend request out of curiosity. If it’s ignored or I’m blocked, then I’m sure it’s because he knows who I am. Yes, there are people that won’t add anyone they don’t know personally but I think that’s more of a woman’s thing than a guy’s thing.