There’s nothing like waking up knowing that your day is going to suck at some point. Really, this anxiety is eating me up and sucking the life right out of me. I don’t understand why I still have these spells. Tom believes it’s a combination of things. I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s like nothing and everything makes sense.

We found a government site that lists the ingredients of medications. You can also report adverse effects there and they’ll actually investigate.

We found out that this brand of simvastatin was made by Lupin Pharmaceuticals. So that rules out Mylan and Lannett as being the makers.

What we wanted to do was compare ingredients in Sandoz levothyroxine versus ingredients in other brands, including the simvastatin I’m taking now. It appears that Sandoz may have bought out Lannett. We did find one ingredient in Mylan that isn’t in Sandoz. This ingredient is also in this brand of simvastatin. But the thing is that it also appears to have been in the last brand of statins I took that I had no problem with, and again, if either medication was responsible for my anxiety then why is it waiting mostly towards the middle of my day to get me and then back off the last few hours of my day? Sometimes I’m anxious early or late in my day but it’s usually centered around the middle of my day.

I cried for a few minutes yesterday, missing the old me but not my old life. I just wish I could go back to the days when my worst problem was noise or wanting something I couldn’t have.

I’d love to think it’s mostly about living here and that I’ll escape it when we move but I know that it’s just going to follow me no matter where we go. Besides, if it was connected to this house in any way or the area, why wait a year to get me?

I definitely had both problems yesterday morning because the planes were louder than usual. Even with the air cleaner running on high and sounds playing on my computer, I could still hear the rumbling. I don’t know if it has to do with the direction of the wind or what but it’s fucking ridiculous. I don’t ever expect to have a peaceful place to live but I know we can do better than this.

As I told Tom, yes, I’m nervous as well as excited about the move and all that but this never would have caused anxiety and affected me in this way in the past, and he pointed out that I wasn’t the same age when we moved before. He thinks most of it is still on my hormones and that they’re still changing but it still seems a little late in the game for that. I’m 50 fucking 5 for God’s sake!

Had more time to reflect on the Andy situation and I asked Tom his opinion. As always, he told me I had to do what I felt was best. But what would you do, I asked him. He said he would remain silent and that’s exactly what I was leaning toward. I think it’s better to miss the good times rather than invite more shit back into my life.