Yesterday was the best day I’ve had in over a week. Just very minimal traces of anxiety toward the end of my day. I hope I continue on an upward streak even though it won’t last more than a week or two. But if I must continue to suffer on and off from this, hopefully, it will be just one or two days a month instead of over a week.

My rose quartz necklace came yesterday and even though I still don’t see how a rock can influence things, I’m willing to try almost anything once. Most people, or at least many people, say prayer helps them. It certainly has never helped me when it comes to anxiety. So hopefully it will be different with healing crystals. If this does help, I hope it continues to because some things only seem to help for so long, like tapping. Tapping still helps. Just not as much.

Anyway, the necklace isn’t gorgeous, but it is pretty. It’s so smooth to the touch. I don’t understand why the claw clasp is the most popular when it’s the hardest to use, though. Tom was kind enough to help me switch it to a toggle clasp. Much easier!

I can say this much for sure and that’s that if there is a God that’s knowingly or intentionally causing my anxiety or that at least has the power to help me but chooses not to, it’s a real shit. Just a real shit that I’ll never forgive. Ever. But could either one really be possible? I guess no one can ever know for sure but I sure as hell hope not! What kind of God would do that to a person? What kind of anything would?

I’ve gained back a pound since I ate more yesterday because I felt better. I had three meals instead of two. Most days my body functions and feels best with around 1500 calories which maintains my current weight. But when I dip down to 1200 or lower, it drops.

As we suspected, there are additional fees at the Savanna Club in Pt Saint Lucie, so it’s almost for sure that we’re not going to get in there. I figured as much. We’re probably going to have to do some settling but I think pretty much anyone does unless they’re rich. I mean, I think we can do better than this place, but I just can’t see us ever having a place that I absolutely love and that’s nice and peaceful most of the time. Just not in my cards.

I decided to go ahead and let Andy know how I felt about some things. It was a long message too, at over 3K words. Some of it I’ve already tried to get across to him before and as they say, you can tell someone something, but you can’t always make them get it. Whether or not it sinks in this time is on him and as I told him, I don’t think he’s a bad person but I don’t think we should go back to communicating regularly either. I admit that I was sort of the liar he would accuse me of being because I told him I wouldn’t block him yet I decided to in the end. I’ll keep him blocked for a year or so and then we’ll see if he happens to contact me or not.

I’m going to dye my hair for what will hopefully be the last time before switching to that Merlot shampoo and just focus mostly on the roots and not bother to cover all of it.

In last night’s dream, we were staying in a cottage on the beach my family and I would spend our summers when I was a kid. At least one other woman was with us.

I woke up early one morning and was shocked to find waves crashing just outside the window. “Oh, my God!” I said and then I quickly quieted as I realized Tom was on the phone talking business with someone.

When he hung up, I told him I never saw the waterline that high before. “I’ve known this beach since I was a baby. The water’s never been even remotely close to the cottages before.”

Then another woman got up and Tom was helping her mix eyeshadow to a specific color that would make her look less tired.

“I used to do that at times when going to doctors so they wouldn’t think I was on anything when in fact I didn’t feel well. You didn’t sleep well?” I asked the woman.

She said no because a turkey gobbling woke her up.

“Maybe Karma will get it and send a big wave crashing down on its head that will swallow it up,” I said. Then I could see that Tom wasn’t too pleased with my saying that. The woman said nothing, so I quickly added, “That is a joke, of course.”