My ylang-ylang oil came today so I just threw a few drops in the diffuser. Such a lovely smell.

Managed to sleep longer but still woke up tired. First, just as I was knocking off last night, my feet were cramping up. I got so frustrated I wanted to grab a ruler and smack the shit out of the soles of my feet. I guess maybe I’m low on potassium or something. Just as soon as the bananas hurry up and ripen up, I’ll have one.

Despite being tired, we went for a 40-minute walk around the park. It was a nice walk even though it was filled with the usual symphony of small planes, big planes, helicopters, loud landscaping, and barking dogs.

Spring is in the air. An apple blossom tree down the street is already starting to bloom. Doubt we’ll have many more nights in the thirties.

I’ve not only been tired, but I’ve been so damn cold and I’m guessing that’s because of the medication skips. Thank God I didn’t need this shit in jail because it usually takes weeks of fighting for medication to get it.

Can’t say for sure if I’m going to continue the statins, but it still seems unlikely for them to be the culprit since I’m not anxious all the time and when I am, it’s usually nowhere near when I took them since I take them a few hours before bed.

I got up at 8 so today’s anxiety will probably start somewhere between 4 and 6. I really realized yesterday that there really is a damn good chance that whatever the hell is causing this isn’t going to stop and that it’s never going away. So what do I do? Well, killing myself or living with it are basically my only two choices. That’s really all I can do. Nothing any doctor has ever given me has helped and nothing I’ve tried to do on my own has helped either, and when it has, it was short-lived.

The point is that I have to finally accept and understand for once and for all that the problem is very likely mine for life. I did read that you can have anxiety and other symptoms up to two years after your last period, but I can’t count on relief at that time or at any time. I really do need to learn to assume that this is the way I’m always going to be and just enjoy the calm moments.

I realize I’ve been approaching it all wrong and that trying to run from it and escape it is a waste of time and that I need to accept it, embrace it, own it, and just quit being a wimp and start dealing with it for once and for all! I’m looking at a very hard rest of my life, yes, but when it gets to the point where I just want to scream or burst out in tears, I must remember that at least I’m mostly healthy in other ways and at least it’s only going to be for around 20 more years and not 50. Yes, even a few more years is a very long time, but I can do it and I will do it. I can learn to adapt as I’m stronger than I’ve given myself credit for. I know I can toughen up to this and that one day, the anxiety will eventually become second nature to me and all I know. I won’t be able to imagine life without it! Maybe I won’t even want to because the more we suffer, the more it toughens us up and the more special the good times become and the more we appreciate them. Yes, I will admit that a terminal diagnosis would be easier in a sense because then I know it would be just a matter of weeks or months and not years that are very likely to turn into decades. But I will toughen up to this and I will learn to live with it!