There’s only one word to describe how last night was for me from about 10 p.m. to 4 a.m. when I finally woke Tom up. HORRIBLE. Just horrible. I felt horribly anxious that it was making me horribly depressed and I just wished I could drop dead right there on the spot. My HR was consistently around 100.

He said it’s very unlikely that I have an extra potent batch of medicine because of the way there are people who test all the medications to make sure they are what they’re supposed to be before they’re given to the thousands of people who take it. He said we would have heard about it by now and that he thinks it is still a factor but more because of skipping than anything else. Then why didn’t I have this problem before I was diagnosed? I asked him and he said because my thyroid crashed gradually while the skips are more severe. That does make sense to a degree.

I’m still going to avoid the statins for a while but decided to take the poison at night. I’ve tried this before and it probably won’t help but since the trouble seems to usually start around the middle of my day, I figured I would take it a few hours before bed so that it’s been in my system for 8 hours in the middle of my sleep. As I said, I don’t know if that will make a difference, but we’ll see.

He thinks it’s mostly stress and that the pill skips and my hormones are compounding things. Well, if this is how I handle stress these days then I’m going to have a really rough rest of my life. He still thinks it will go away someday but I’ve totally given up hope. I think that it’s either a case of ending my life or just accepting that I’m going to suffer on and off to try to enjoy the good times. Like right now. Right now I’m pretty stable. I woke up a little on edge not knowing what to expect but now I’m doing okay.

Being the wonderful, supportive guy he is, he’s copying my schedule during the times I’m most likely to get anxious. Aly’s been there for me as well. We went out for a walk as the sun was setting and I showed him some yoga moves. Because I’m so bad at yoga which I’m guessing is because I’m fat, I think he would struggle even worse with it, LOL. This guy is 100 pounds overweight and loves to eat. He may consider getting a lap band when he’s on Medicare if they’ll cover enough of it. Depending on how it goes for him, I may eat my BMI up high enough (in 5 minutes) and get lap banded as well.

I’ve got a pair of pink yoga blocks coming. These are to help control your range of motion. Because age and weight have caused me to lose a lot of my flexibility, the blocks help make up for what I can’t quite reach. I always plan and live as if I’m never going to lose the weight and therefore, I do what I can to improvise whenever necessary and possible. I know it isn’t all about my weight, though, because I’ve seen obese people more flexible than I am and I’m not quite obese. At least not from an inches standpoint.

The amethyst stone with the thumb indentation arrived yesterday and they included a free gift which was a polished piece of citrine. The orange-brown polished rock is ugly, so I gave it to Tom, LOL.

Again my ENT was in my dreams last night. Strange how often she shows up in them. I wonder why, too. I remember my discussion with Andy about thought vibrations and it makes me wonder if I’m showing up in her dreams or thoughts and that’s why she’s showing up in mine. Most of the time I don’t remember the dreams but last night I was commenting on how long her hair got and so fast too.

Ugh, just googled her to see if anything new came up that may explain why I’ve been dreaming about her and got “Doc N, MD, is permanently closed.” So does that mean she moved and I’ll see her there wherever “there” is, and assuming they tell me where to go, or do I have to see someone else? If I have to see someone else, again, why does everything have to have such shitty timing in my life? I just looked on Dignity’s site, and the appointment is still there at the usual place on Cole, so I don’t know what’s up.