Nothing like begging a God who doesn’t exist (or doesn’t care to hear me) to please not let me be anxious just to end up anxious anyway. I’ve done everything I can think of to help myself yet it’s gotten me nowhere. The only thing I’m not willing to do is schedule an appointment with some foreign shrink that can’t see me for half a year to discuss drugs that are either addicting, have horrible side effects, or stop working after a while.

Yesterday’s anxiety was mild but it was still noticeable. Seems to be coming more toward the end of my day rather than the middle lately for whatever reason. That is, until today. Today I woke up feeling a mix of anxiety, depression, and fatigue but later perked up briefly. Was it cuz of the pot lotion? The anxiety oil? The dark chocolate? Something else? I wish I knew!

The darkness goes on with no end in sight. Every time I start to feel better, I get that weird feeling again. That anxious, depressive feeling. I just can’t believe I’m going through this shit and that I’ve become this way. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. It’s like something up there really wants me to have some form of long-term suffering or another. Just wish we could please go back to the days of it being external. If it wasn’t for this shit, my worst problems would be occasional boredom and noise.

Anxious or not, there’s still the stress of the upcoming appointments and plenty of stress over the move. So many things could go wrong, and well, things are never easy for us. Just rehoming the pigs may be harder than we thought. There are a surprising number of shelters that say they don’t take guinea pigs and there aren’t as many no-kill shelters as we thought there would be. We’re still going to contact a guinea pig rescue service but they may have to go to a shelter that will put them to sleep. Of course we would prefer for that not to happen but if God forbid it does, at least they won’t know it’s coming and they’ll die an easy death compared to a natural one. I wish we could all die by simply falling asleep, never waking up, and never knowing when it’s going to happen.

I still fear that this is more than changing hormones and am coming to doubt whether either medication is responsible for it because of the way the anxiety isn’t consistent. Oh, I still know I had problems with the thyroid medication when I first started it and I still think I did have some brand issues where that’s concerned but I don’t think the statins cause my latest round of anxiety. In fact, I went back on them tonight.

This is definitely the worst spell I’ve had in ages and it’s truly worrisome. It makes me wonder if there’s some other health issue going on that could be causing it. From what I read, not only can thyroid disease cause it but so can diabetes, heart disease and others. And again, it’s still possible I simply up and became this way and developed an anxiety disorder but I sure as hell hope that’s not the case and that it isn’t a forever thing. I try to tell myself that nothing lasts forever and that things do change, but that’s not a hundred percent true. My thyroid disease is going to last forever and so is my TMJ.

I’ve had 17 anxious days so far this year. That’s about half as many as I had last year! Something’s wrong. This is absolutely horrible. The anxiety is getting more intense as I write this and I’m scared. My mind keeps pinging back and forth between all the possibilities… the meds, the brand, hormones, an anxiety disorder I developed, my thyroid, some other health issue… I feel like I’m about to go completely insane! It’s like I just want to go to bed and never wake up. I’m trying to keep from freaking out because I just don’t know what to do anymore. It used to be easy even when it was hard. It was easy because I knew what the problem was be it poverty or problem neighbors or whatever. But now I don’t know what the fuck my enemy is and what to do about it. I just know I’m tired of suffering and not knowing what the fuck to do. I just tried tapping and nothing helps.

“You’re such a good detective,” Andy told me because he never noticed the address on his cover picture, and the reason it’s there is that it reminded him of Connecticut. LOL, that’s exactly where I thought it was, too.

He missed me laughing at his weather. That feel-good kind of laughter, he said which always put him in a good mood.

He said he’s still sober, clean, self-employed, and happy with his life and where he lives. Yes, winter sucks but he can’t handle the heat as well as he used to, he told me. Neither can I but I guess that’s because I’m not young and skinny anymore and definitely because my medication can make you sensitive to heat. I still tolerate heat a hell of a lot better than cold.

He said he thinks of moving to the coast of Florida someday but doesn’t know if he actually will.

He also says he’s working on his food addiction. Yeah, I thought he might have had a food addiction way back when. Food was all he would talk about besides God and Stevie.

I’m not at all surprised Trump was acquitted again. Really, why bother to have these “trials?” They’re about as pointless as protests. It seems some people really are above the law. However, as much as I wish Trump would just drop dead, he really isn’t responsible for other people’s actions. Someone can tell me to kill someone all they want, but if I actually act on it, I’m the only one responsible for my actions. Not anyone else. These were grown adults who should have known right from wrong. No one forced them to riot. They chose to do it on their own. Trump may be a shitty influence that deserves to be slowly tortured to death but not directly responsible from a legal standpoint.

Aly says Kim finally wrote her and had a COVID-19 scare but is okay. Yeah, I figured as much. I knew she would be just fine. As horrendously huge as she is, she probably won’t develop any serious health issues until the day before she dies.

The pair of unicorn diamond paintings, along with frames for larger diamond paintings, and a small amethyst healing stone with an indentation for the thumb are on their way. Of course I don’t think it will work but it was only seven bucks and I’m desperate as hell.