I fucking hate February. Because hey, we don’t have to listen to the same old shit enough of the time as it is during the rest of the year, right? At least it’s the shortest month.

Ooh, this is interesting. Remembering that Andy was never very bright, I unblocked him to see if he’d unblocked me at some point over the last few years, knowing that he wouldn’t be smart enough to know there’s a way to block those who have blocked you. At least last I knew there was, but things often change on Facebook so I don’t know if this can still be done. Anyway, I found that he had indeed unblocked me but likely figured I deactivated my account. The question is why did he unblock me? Was he simply curious, intending to reblock me after he checked to see what he could see? Or did he plan to reach out to me?

I’m going to leave him unblocked for now. Part of me wants to reach out to him, but as much as I miss him and will always love him and consider him like family and cherish many funny memories, he is who he is and no one can change him. If he was still as judgmental, paranoid, and accusatory as he was in his fifties, then I think it’s safe to say that’s how he’s always going to be.

We do have a mutual friend, so we’ll see if he notices any of my comments on Norma’s posts and then reaches out to me. Besides, it was me who reached out to him in Auburn, so we’ll see if he makes the first move this time around if there is a this time around. As I said, I can tell him what irritates me but I can’t make him get it and I can’t make him change either. That would be like someone trying to convince me abortion is really murder and to get me to change my mind where that’s concerned. Not going to happen.

Ended up feeling slightly anxious for a few hours yesterday. Skipped the levothyroxine today but took my statin yesterday. So far so good but it’s early in my day so trouble could be ahead for me in a few hours. Right now I’m guessing the statin isn’t connected. It’s likely just a buildup of thyroid meds and wacky hormones.

Maybe part of the reason I don’t get breast exams is that I just don’t want to do all I can to live another 20-30 years. I mean to do what? The same old things? I know that may sound selfish, though, to allow myself to die and desert Tom. He may be a lot tougher than I am but I definitely wouldn’t want to leave him alone so if I’m destined to go first, I hope it isn’t it until it’s almost his time!

But if I knew I was going to suffer from anxiety on and off for the rest of my life, death would be oh-so-very appealing.

Stacey surprised me. Sent her a message telling her that we plan to put the house on the market and hopefully move to Florida soon. I wished her well and thanked her for her help (even if no one could ever help me permanently in the end) and she replied saying she was safe, doing well, and wished me the best and all that.

He got a call for a job. It would be a really bad time to work and may bring us less money than with him not working, but there’s still a slight fear of the government coming after the money because he retired. Anyway, it’s an inventory job in which he said he wouldn’t accept less than $20 an hour. He’ll call them back and hopefully not sound very interesting to them.

I just want to get the fuck out of here!

Later…

When I glanced at Andy’s current profile picture, I first thought it was in Connecticut. But then I noticed the address in the upper right corner. I ran it on Google Maps and found it’s in Cleveland, Ohio.

Ohio? What the hell would he be doing there? He never mentioned anyone in Ohio. He’s listed as still being single, so I doubt he met a guy that he followed there.

Against my better judgment (yeah, I’m stupid and too forgiving), I messaged him. But don’t worry. Don’t even think for a millisecond that I would ever take the termites back because I wouldn’t under any circumstances. Andy’s worst crime is saying mean and hurtful things, not turning my life upside down and inside out like the termite has. There’s no comparison. I would never in a million years forgive and allow the termites back into my life. So no worries there. Besides, it doesn’t mean he’s going to respond. For all I know he’ll turn around and re-block me but if he does, he does. He’s still what many would describe as toxic to a degree. He was very judgmental and just not very and empathetic and respectful in a lot of ways. He could be kind of selfish too, but we’ll just see what happens.

Later…

When it hit me that Andy must have simply been curious or else he would have emailed me if he wanted to talk to me, I sent him a second message saying that I would go ahead and block Facebook messages since I realized that if he wanted to talk to me, he would have reached out to me. Besides, we became so different over time and well, he is who he is while I am who I am and I really should respect his wishes. I wished him the best and assured him I would never forget him.

There is a slight chance that he lost my email address and he wouldn’t have the sophistication to hunt that information down. He’s never been the stalker-ish type so there’s no way he would do a paid search for info.

I do have a few Ohio visitors but I’m pretty sure I know who they are and I can’t believe he would still have my Prosebox link. He could have bookmarked it but somehow I doubt he did much less join the site just so he could read me. He would have commented by now if he did.

I loved that he was loyal and honest but he was overly judgmental and insensitive in many ways not to mention pushy at times and not very empathetic. What he would claim as his opinion was often him actually being incorrect. And there was the opposite-doing that got to me. It was like the more I would ask him not to do a particular thing like gross me out with pictures showing me how big of a dump he last took, he would do it more. What kind of a friend does that? Shouldn’t a friend want to do more of what their friend wants within reason? Obviously, I wouldn’t expect him to stand on his head all day but come on. Did he really ever think I would be interested in the size of his dumps?

His being judgmental and insisting I was bullshitting him about this and that, particularly my sleep disorder, was the most frustrating and hurtful but his blatant lack of empathy could be as well. It’s like he was both empathetic and not. He feels horrible for the way blacks were slaves in the past and for those homeless in the cold, yet when Robin Williams goes and kills himself he’s just a spoiled selfish person who “threw it all away?” And when his best friend is sick for a little too long, that’s a problem too?

This is the kind of shit I just don’t need in my life. If you can’t take me at face value when I’ve never given you a reason to doubt me in the past and you run out of patience with how long I’m suffering, that tells me something about you.